How the hell do I date when I’m like this?

[DoomedForLoneliness]

Please be kind!

Admittedly right now I’m liw, I promise I’m not always this sad.

Okey, so the thing is I’d love a life partner, to share and build a life with someone.
But I don’t want sex, I’m actually repulsed by it.
I don’t know if I’m also asexual, I don’t think so, but I guess it doesn’t matter.

And my problem is the title, how can I date, ’everyone’ I’ve tried meeting/dating/talked to wanted swx (often seems that’s all they’ve wanted).
And that’s fair enough I suppose, unfortunately I got some really horrible comments few times and the last time really scared me off from dating all together, so I don’t know what to do now.

I’ve tried googling around relationships without sex, but there suprisingly isin’t any dating sites for that. I live in a small country, there’s nothing for asexuals (again I don’t know if I am one, but I just tried everything I could think of).

I’m really starting to get sad and scared I have to be alone all my life now.
And I don’t know what to do.

While I don't know much about asexuality I would assume you must be one if you don't like sex at all? As that is the definition I think. There are lots of men and women out there who are asexual - I have met some - though I can see that finding them might be tricky. Hopefully someone with better advice might be along soon - I just wanted to say don't give up hope - I am sure there will be someone out there for you!

You might get more relevant information here AVEN

www.asexuality.org/en/

Maybe fb groups for asexuals would have some advice? I wouldnt overthink whether the label fits precisely, its the best fit you can find so start there?

But on asexual sites they say they are okey with or even want sex.
So I don’t think that’s me.

And like I said, small country, there isin't anything for people who just want love.

Have you ever had sex, or had any traumatic experiences around sex? What were you taught about it growing up?
'I'm repulsed by sex' might not be a good enough answer for some. Understandably enough. It's fair enough for you not to want it, but I think a greater understanding of why not is key - both to you and your future partner.

@harrassedmumto3

No, I’ve bever had it, and I don’t have trauma or was raised to believe it’s ’wrong’ or whatever.

'I'm repulsed by sex' might not be a good enough answer for some.

I’m not sire I understand what you mean by this, I don’t want to be forced into anything.

Some asexuals are sex positive - they enjoy sex even though there's not attraction. Perhaps taking pleasure in the feelings or their partners pleasure. Some asexuals are sex neutral, for similar reasons. Some are sex repulsed.

You presumably fall into the later category.
Perhaps romantic but sex repulsed asexual.

As if it isn't hard enough to date! Personally I'd say to focus on friendships and pets. And get your romance fix from TV, books ect...

Can you use online dating and be clear that sex isn't on offer as part of your profile? Declare your asexuality from the start and ditch anyone who tries to cross your boundaries immediately.

Obviously it shrinks your dating pool a lot if you have no interest in a sexual relationship, but it doesn't mean it'll be impossible to find someone.

If you would like to be in a place where you might be able to enjoy a sex life, perhaps look into therapy/counselling to explore what's at the root of your revulsion and whether you're asexual or not?

The thing with putting asexual on a dating ap is that you might attract lots of creeps with the kink of turning you sexual. Or, abusive men who will try to exploit you. Eg: pretending to be asexual, love bombing you and then, shaming you and then manipulating you into sex if you stay.

Not to mention a lot of men just don't bother to read the bloody profile. Lot count of the number ive times I've been chatting to someone/started dating and mentioned in passing something that was in my profile (eg: being vegeterian) and they've not known/acted incredioulous.

I mean, I guess putting it on your profile is sort of a must...but be aware you'll get loads of assholes replying. Àlso the 'try to convince you they know you better than you do' twats too.

Well dating in the conventional sense is out of the window, you can't be surprised that most men will eventually want sex?
Even in a small country there are presumably still (hundreds of) thousands of people so I wouldn't be put off, just make it very clear in your profile that sex won't ever be an option.

Yes, OP would need to have rock solid boundaries and zero tolerance for any pushy crap.

But I don’t want sex, I’m actually repulsed by it
I don’t know if I’m also asexual, I don’t think so, but I guess it doesn’t matter

You could be asexual.
Have you thought about your sexual orientation? Is there a possibility that you are not actually the sexual orientation you think you are and you're actually attracted to the other gender than you thought?
I'm asking this because you do sound very similar to me. I was having relationships with men but felt very very uncomfortable with the sex aspect. I was 30 before I first had sex. Was never really interested in it - was scared to do it - and just made up a load of crap at school and at uni about boys I fancied when actually I didn't fancy them at all. I thought I was asexual. I didn't think I was attracted to women but now with hindsight I can see that I was but hadn't actually realized (sounds bonkers I know, but google "compulsory heterosexuality")
Over the last 3 years I've become more and more repulsed with by the idea of sex with men. And slowly but surely began to realize I'm really attracted to women - and sure enough, there is no repulsion whatsoever regarding sex with women....

Something to think about perhaps.

I would not advise dating sites/apps etc. It's wild out there. You might be better off looking at counselling or if that's not affordable, spending a lot of time working out what you really want and building up friendships and a support network so that you don't feel as alone.

I don't think many asexual people would say that they are repulsed by sex. Your characterization of your feelings about sex go far beyond a lack of desire or interest in sex, and suggest something more akin to unhealthy or troubled.

You descriptions of your feelings may be far more off putting than the actual " no sex" status. Your potential partners may not want to begin a relationship that tends to suggest emotional development issues.

There are many sex repulsed asexuals out there. Some asexual people don't even like to be touched or hugged. All of this is okay, I say this because sadly there are many arseholes out there who think asexual folks are broken, and they are not.

An ace (slang for someone who is asexual), can want to be in a non sexual relationship, but want to feel close to someone emotionally. Some might like to cuddle, hold hands etc.

Another slang term you might see is "aro" which means aromantic. Aromantic people experience little or no romantic attraction to anyone, they don't experience romantic feelings. This is sometimes paired with asexuality as some aces are also aro.

Whatever your feelings, who you are is completely valid.

Here's some info for you, I hope it helps.

What is romantic attraction?

Romantic attraction would be wanting to spend time with the person, thinking about them all the time, liking the idea of romance with them or others. But just not being interested in sex.

Or maybe you fancy men/women but you don't desire acting physically on it.

You might like the idea of kissing or cuddling ect but not be interested in sex.

Who you are is perfectly valid. Communication tends to be one of the major drivers in relationship development. If who you are is not the impediment, it may be worth considering how you express and communicate who you are that is playing a role in impeding your ability to form relationships.

How old are you, OP, and do you have close friends? I would concentrate on building a really good social network, as it's a good thing in itself, and you may even meet someone who you become close to and then realise you are actually attracted to.

Sorry for the late reply!

As if it isn't hard enough to date! Personally I'd say to focus on friendships and pets. And get your romance fix from TV, books ect...

I appreciate the help, I do. But friends just aren’t enough anymore, their busy with partner and it often leaves me to be the one who gives, gives, gives and I never get the same energy back. And at the end of the day I’m still alone. Romance movies and music I have to avoid - that stuff just breaks my heart and shines light into my lonliness!

The thing with putting asexual on a dating ap is that you might attract lots of creeps with the kink of turning you sexual. Or, abusive men who will try to exploit you. Eg: pretending to be asexual, love bombing you and then, shaming you and then manipulating you into sex if you stay.

Yes, twice now I’ve tried to date men I already knew and this is what hapoened. Turned out they didn’t ’believe’ I didn’t want sex.

Have you thought about your sexual orientation? Is there a possibility that you are not actually the sexual orientation you think you are and you're actually attracted to the other gender than you thought?

I thought for long time I was bi/pan, until I realised I’m equally UNinterested in both/all 😇

There are many sex repulsed asexuals out there. Some asexual people don't even like to be touched or hugged. All of this is okay, I say this because sadly there are many arseholes out there who think asexual folks are broken, and they are not.

Thank you for your kindness 💐 And the info, I’m definitely not aromantic, very much would like a romantic partner.

Who you are is perfectly valid. Communication tends to be one of the major drivers in relationship development. If who you are is not the impediment, it may be worth considering how you express and communicate who you are that is playing a role in impeding your ability to form relationships.

Thank you. Yes, I’ve always been honest. Unfortunately not everybody respects that…

Id proactively seek out other asexuals
not for dating per se but to read listen and learn

Facebook , YouTube etc etc
join a few groups

see what resonates and what doesn’t ?

im curious what led you to this place
is this Trauma related or you’ve always been this way ?

also (no need to answer) do you masturbate and can you givE yourself pleasure ?

my aunt has a long term platonic but committed male companion

many things are possible but I’d say learning more and understanding yourself is the first step here

@Thisisworsethananticpated

im curious what led you to this place

is this Trauma related or you’ve always been this way ?

No trauma, no sex is wrong kind of attitudes while growing up.
For longest time I thought I’m just a late bloomer, but nothing ever bloomed.
So kind of just was born this way.

also (no need to answer) do you masturbate and can you givE yourself pleasure ?

Yes, but it’s very much ’get the job done’ kind of a thing. It’s very ”meh” to me.

my aunt has a long term platonic but committed male companion

They are living my dream!

DoomedForLoneliness

its possible for you too ☺️

promise me you will try and find some communities this year and listen in as sounds like this is how you are wired

you are what you are
embrace it
as I think that way you will be more open to lole
minded souls

Like minded