So I’m not saying I’m completely blameless in this situation. I haven’t physically had time to concentrate on anyone else this year.
I work full time plus in an extremely stressful job which I got promoted in March to a more senior position. I can be out of the house for up to 70 hours a week and rarely get a day off where my phone does not ring constantly. In May I lost my grandmother suddenly which came as a massive blow to my entire family. She was my last real grandparent and her passing has left a huge hole. She also was a hoarder which meant that the entire family was left to clear out 40 years of rubbish, which in itself was a trauma.
I then also found out I was pregnant in late May, which sadly resulted in a miscarriage in early June. Even though my partner and I hadn’t been trying at this point it completely devastated me, and although to the world I looked like I was just getting on with everything, my mental state was completely shot with worries about whether I would ever be a mother, my health etc. So yes I have not been the most attentive friend this year, I admit this. I only allowed my partner
and my mother to see how it really affected me, and other than a couple of texts from close friends I didn’t get/need any support outside of this. My BFF made in total 2 phone calls and 1 text to me to check I was ok.
In late July I met up with some of my girlfriends that I have been friends with for 25years+. They are all completely aware of the year I have had. My “best friend” decided that she wanted to go on holiday early next year with me, my sister and my other friend. So from the offset we were honest with her and told her that a weekend away in the UK would be fine but anything else would be pushing it too far because of various reasons like I was trying to get pregnant again, my sister has just started training to be a midwife at uni and would not be able to get time off and money. She went in a bit of a strop with us all and stopped talking to us. This is not unusual behaviour from her, it happens every few years where she regresses into herself and cuts us all out of her life for a few months, normally when she is not centre of attention.
I found out I was pregnant again in late August and when I announced to the group I was pregnant everyone bar my BFF was delighted, all I got was a text on the group chat saying “congratulations look after yourself”. At this point I knew she was still upset we wouldn’t go on holiday with her so I tried to ignore it. I met up with my friends a few times over the next couple of months leaving an open invitation for anyone to join us, which my BF decided she wasn’t going to.
I’m not going to lie, my anxiety about being pregnant was and still is through the roof after what happened in June and I did basically cut off social interaction other than group messaging for a while because I couldn’t handle one on one questioning about anything because of how scared I am something is going to go wrong. My partner has been exactly the same and we have lived in our own little bubble. I also
have not had a nice symptom free pregnancy, so far with severe morning sickness, anemia and blood pressure problems I have been extra cautious about everything I’ve been doing.
In October I found out I was having twins which explained a lot of my symptoms in one shot. Both are doing well at every scan and check up, so I’m trying for their sake to keep myself fit and healthy both physically and mentally.
I decided to ring my BFF one day after I had been speaking to her mum about how she had not been very well. I might as well not have bothered because this is the conversation that has got me in trouble. I started the conversation jokingly with “so you’re still alive then”. This was said in jest after not physically speaking to her in nearly 3 months, other than in the group chat. It was a very awkward conversation on both sides and if I’m honest I don’t know why she bothered answering the phone to me. She couldn’t wait for the conversation to end which was obvious.
At the beginning of December after another few weeks of not hearing anything from her, my sister called her out in the group chat and asked her why she’d been so quiet as she had not agreed to any of our groups Christmas arrangements. This then resulted in me getting a private text from my BFF, basically accusing me of being a terrible friend that was never there for her although she was having a mental breakdown. I had apparently planted the idea of her committing suicide by joking asking her “so you’re still alive then”. It was the first that I had heard that she was struggling mentally this year. She even told me she had kept it from me on purpose because I was pregnant and didn't want my “hormones” to act up. The text was a complete attack on me and another friend. It even used my miscarriage as ammunition against me earlier in the year, as an example of her always been there for me, and me never been there for her. She even went as far as giving me the decision as to whether we continue our 25+ Year friendship because she didn’t want to be the reason for it to “dissolve” after all these years.
I had been in hospital the day before with my blood pressure but hadn’t told anyone outside of my family, so I was already massively fragile and didn’t reply straight away because I didn’t know what to think. After showing my partner and my sister the text (both which hit the roof and called her a selfish cow), I calmed down enough and replied with I needed time to think about what she had said to me, that I didn’t think or know she was struggling mentally and that actually I was too and the phone works both ways, and she hadn’t called me either.
It’s now nearly been a month and I haven’t text her and she keeps putting stuff on social media which is a blatantly attack/dig at me. My other friend that she did the same to has met up with her to try and resolve the issues but has come away having no clue why either of us were blamed for her mental state deteriorating. I’ll be honest I don’t feel mentally or physically strong enough to make first contact, but I also don’t want to be the reason I no longer talk to someone I once regarded like a sister.
I do have my theory and it involves 1)been annoyed we said no to going on holiday with her and 2) me being pregnant. She married a man 4 years ago who is double her age and doesn’t share her passion for lying on beaches and also made it clear from the off he didn’t want children. She has always wanted a baby as long as I have known her, so I genuinely believe that me getting pregnant has triggered something in her that made her go into jealous overdrive. I also don’t think she likes the fact that me and my partner do a lot together as I have had spiteful texts in the past asking me “when I was going to do stuff I wanted to do not just what he wants to”
out of the blue. I am in a very happy, stable relationship where we don’t fight and split everything 50/50. She makes it clear to us everytime she sees us that her relationship is very much centered around what her husband wants/needs, and although I don’t think she’s unhappy I also think she’s envious of the freedom and trust I have with my partner.
I don’t know what to do for the best anymore and ring want my “hormones” to make any decisions, and being 24 weeks pregnant they are controlling everything I do. All I get from my partner and family is cut her out of my life but I don’t know if that is too hasty. Any suggestions?