Demote friend to acquaintance

[DoneWithHer]

I've been friends with a girl for the majority of my life. She is my longest "friend". Throughout our friendship clear she has been the dominant one. As a child I pandered to her silly requests (gave her my lunch, did whatever she asked, naively thought it was a friendship).

After some counselling it has become clear that this girl has caused me serious psychological damage. I tried to address one horrific incident from our childhood with her that my counsellor helped me heal. She maintained she didn't remember it and laughed it off. (don't want to go into the details on the off chance anyone I know reads this as they'll know who I am).

I can no longer be friends with this girl. But she is a part of my circle of friends. How do I end the friendship but nicely for the sake of the group?

I don't want to talk to her or give her an explanation because she is the type to laugh, and sneer. I basically want to ghost her, but can't because of the bigger group! any advice?

Horrific, as in she behaved horrifically or you were both victims of horrific situation

It's difficult if you have to see her by default. I'd say minimise as much contact with her and don't message her or talk to her outside the group. When you are there, get some emotional distance so you feel like it's just another person you are talking to but you don't expect much from them.

You can't really do it without telling her if you are all still part of the same group unless you just stop attending meets you know she will be at. Otherwise just be distant and vague with her but not the others? Can you tell the rest of the group why you don't want to be around her?

It’s possible to maintain the same circle of friends but start to enforce clear boundaries to protect yourself once you recognise the abuse and manipulative behaviour that’s characterised your relationship. There’s no need to make a bold statement either. Your counsellor should be able to guide you. It’s how people in narcissistic relationships can maintain connection in a healthier way eg for the sake of raising children.

@She

Ignore above message.

@Tryingtryingandtrying she behaved horrifically. She was the ring leader in horrendous group bullying. I didn't realise at the time how awful it was until it came up one day during a counselling session.

@Lexi868 good advice thank you. I don't contact her outside of the group but she texts me. I either don't reply or leave it ages before replying.

@JoyBeorge yes I have told some of the others about why I want to distance myself but not sure if they realise how much I want to or how serious I am. Maybe I'll chat to them again.

@Lisette3 thats great thank you!!

I have a large friendship group that dates back to school.

one woman (A) has decided to stop talking to another woman (B) - similarity they used to be very close.

it’s hard for the rest of us. In this case both women have narcissistic tendencies, and both have behaved badly over the years. so I have decided I am not taking sides.

how it is working out in the friendship group is they are both invited to everything. A doesn’t go if B goes - B always goes so A has removed herself from the group.

i am a bit closer to A but I refuse to lose the entire friendship group over this - and she can be difficult to be around (she and B are more similar than either would ever admit).

Thats was a very long way of saying decide what you are willing to give up. Yes stop having one on one discussions with her - but prepare yourself that others won’t want to take sides.

I don't expect anyone to take sides. I would just have to inform my closer friends in the group as they'd notice. I always wouldn't stop going to whole group events just because she is there. The only reason I want to demote her rather than cut her out altogether is for the group's sake. We had an incident before (ironically with this same girl) where she refused to be in the same room as someone else and it was really really awkward!

Hi Op,

I have similarly been trying to distance myself from a toxic friend, whilst continuing to see the same friendship group so wanted to share my experience - though it is still current.
I haven't addressed it with the person directly as I fear they would create tension and splits in the group.
I have spent more time with the unproblematic friends in the group, who do not enable toxic friends behavior. I've also been exploring friendships outside of the group, as I still don't know how things will pan out long term and do not want to rely the group as my only friendships.

You can only be distant and ignore her messages.

Get more hobbies and friends. You won't give a damn about this then. If your friends in the group care enough they will see you still.

You don't have to make a plan or decision about this. Just do what you feel, in any situation that presents itself. A person can't be a major factor in your life unless you invite them to be.

Ghost her, who cares what the other friends think, if they were your friends they'd support you and wouldn't be friends with a twat too....

It was the toxic one that ghosted me and thus pushing me out. Took about 18 months for me to realise a favour had been done.

Not sure if you are trying to imply something there or not?

I think she's saying that the toxic one did the favour, so she didn't have to.