FWB.. right or wrong?

[Confuzled24]

I'm a single mum and have been on my own for the last 4 years, and I've little time to actually be with anyone in terms of a relationship.. This is where my dilemma arrives and where I'm struggling with my feelings.. Part of me believes I should be seeking a relationship that will lead to long term commitment and one which I carefully tend to along the way if that makes sense?.. But having been married to a serial cheater for several years, followed by a couple of emotionally abusive ones, caring for/supporting my son, and in recent months my father, I'm not sure I have neither the time or energy to put the effort required into a relationship.. My two boys (now in their late teens, one with special needs) come first and always will, but I have needs too and at the moment I feel the need for physical contact without all that comes with a relationship.. Ive been questioning a FWB or casual relationship, however, my morals and values hold me back from going out there and having some (safe) fun and losing my inhibitions, but I also feel like taking the plunge and having that fun and intimacy I so crave.. Equally, I don't want to cause hurt or get hurt myself as theres also the risk that one of us may develop an emotional attachment. I'm also aware I may just be trying to fill the void of loneliness that I feel from being single for so long, hence my consideration of the risk of developing an emotional attachment.

I feel guilty for even thinking of a FWB relationship, and concerned about the risk of attachment, but excited by the thought of it too, and the thought of not having the pressures that can come with a committed relationship?? Not sure if any of the above makes any sense? But was wondering of anyone has felt, been in, or experienced the above?

There’s nothing wrong with FWB as long as everyone is clear about the arrangement. It’s not immoral. I’ve had a couple of successful ones in the past. It sounds like you might struggle with the concept of it not leading to anything deeper though.

I think often FWB ends badly because one of you gets feelings, so it depends if you can control those feelings. I had a FWB earlier this year, I had no emotional connection to him, he was a nice guy but not my type (I wouldn’t want a relationship with him). It worked quite well for me but in the end he had feelings for me and I had to end it. I don’t think many people can successfully do the FWB thing but some can.

Yeah, I’d say your morals/upbringing is holding you back. Back in the day, these types of arrangements were called "gentleman callers", so it's not a new thing at all. Just re-branded

Plenty of people have FWB situations nowadays so just go for it. All the attention without any of the commitment? What’s not to like?

Provided you realise it’s the attention you’re missing and not the actual person you’re shagging.

If you can handle the idea that a FWB will probably be dating/sleeping with others too then go for it.

I’d love to be able to have a FWB situation as I haven’t got the time/inclination/can’t be arsed with a relationship, but I have issues with sex so that’s a non-starter.

I mirror @Lovemusic33 comments. I had a FWB agreement earlier this year, he caught feelings and I did not, therefore had to end it. It did help me massively with what I was going through in my life, so I’m actually all for them. You just need to be open with the other person about how you’re both feeling

I’ve been single 6 years not been with anyone in that time but fwb wouldn’t work for me as I would develop feelings, if you won’t then go for it

I have a (very recent) FWB and it’s just what I need. Been single for a year after the end of a long and intense relationship, which left me bereft. Finally got over the ex and started dating but finding it all a bit hard work tbh. Meeting plenty of nice enough guys but nobody I can see a future with or even really fancy.

I contacted a guy I ‘met’ online a few years ago and we’ve met up a few times now. I can’t see it going anywhere for many reasons, he’s quite a bit younger, totally not my usual type physically (he’s tall, thin and very handsome - I would usually go for a big bear of a man!).

He has no kids which is brilliant, but a very active social life which limits how often I can see him. But that’s ok too. It means I have low expectations and just get to enjoy the physical side of it without even really having much contact in between times.

He did wish me a merry Xmas on Christmas morning which was sweet. But I don’t expect a boyfriend experience from him.

It’s so much simpler than an actual relationship while giving me a good part of what I miss! Good kisses, hugs, watching films, sex. Feeling desired etc. of course I’d also like to feel loved and valued but he has said he’s more than happy to do this until Mr Right comes along. So I’m going with it.

No moral judgment, no reason why you shouldn’t if it gives you what you need at the moment. Go for it.

I am also a single mum, my son has special needs, and I never dreamed I’d be able to have another relationship. I met someone accidentally a year ago. He lives 3 hours away. I have little time due to my situation and he has a very busy social life and to my surprise this has turned into a part-time relationship which suits us both for different reasons. We are completely committed to being monogamous and open to our relationship lasting long-term but we don’t want to live together, mainly live in the moment or thinking only of the next few months.

I don’t think I could have a FWB thing. I need to feel more prioritised and loved. However there are so many different types of relationships which can suit different situations. I am so happy to be having a full sex life again after quite a few years. Good luck!

From what you have said, I do not think FWB would suit you and you will end up feeling used and lower your self esteem. Don't do it.

Who do you think is the authority? Aside from laws, who has the power to decide, ultimately, what's the right thing to do, for you?

FWB only work if both are very clear at the beginning of what they want and their expectations. And be honest with eachother and yourself going forwards.

Of course sex is very intimate and it's only natural to get feelings after a while, it's how you act on those feelings that makes the difference.

I have a few FWBs, some in the past and some ongoing. One I'm seeing at the moment comes over on his lunch, we have sex, he makes me orgasm until next time. There's absolutely no feelings, no hugging, kissing during the act and on departure. He leaves satisfied, as do I. There's absolutely no chance of a relationship, I don't know enough about him to entertain one and I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual.

Another I'm seeing currently lives abroad, he and I both have feelings for each other, we both want to see where it takes us. Things are complicated by borders etc so we're just treating it as non-complicated sex for now with no expectations and seeing what happens organically; but that's because I told him I liked him and he felt the same. I'm actually flying out next week to visit him for a few days, and he'll return the favour some weeks after. We both know eachother are sleeping with other partners, and both are OK with it, because we're adults who had that conversation.

My takeaway for you is to be open, honest (with yourself and any partners) and enjoy it.

You only live once, and there's no such thing as too much sex.

A FWB wouldn't work for me. I'm a long term relationship girl. But wading through dating apps made me realise that wasn't going to happen. So I invested in vibrators. They can satisfy the itch and then put them back in the drawer again. The Satisfyer pro 2 is amazing.

Same here.
I want intimacy and connection not just a cock entering me at intervals.

Real friends with benefits are very hard to find, it think is mostly fuck buddies.

I've tried it, and although the sex was nice, it just felt pointless when a vibrator will do the job and no danger of catching feelings or an STI.

All the best op

I’m in a situation which started as a fwb at the moment. It is truly excellent fun, and we both have similar sex drives. He lives very close to me (about 20 metres away), so we can actually find lots of time to have sex each day. We spent a lot of time together last summer, and then feelings came into it. First for him, and then for me. Feelings make it a bit more tricky (we’re both separated, but not divorced) but we have so much fun together - it’s genuinely amazing.

There’s no pressure to live together. I’m very independent and like my own space, and want us both to keep making an effort.

I've had a FWB for several years. It's great suits us both & we're happy with the set up. It's not for everyone though

Read all these answers and the original posters and it’s hard to find anything to disagree with. So it’s always very much up to the individual.
Personally speaking I’d say go for it but I would wouldn’t I

I was dumped by my husband of over 30 yrs for a younger model and my self confidence was threw the floor, I spent months begging him to come back to me a time where he selfishly toyed with my emotions. My pal (now my lodger) suggested a few dating sites and after a few dodgy dates I met by accident young Nigerian guy (35) who made me laugh. We became intimate and to be honest it’s the best thing that could have happened. It will only ever be FWB but my self confidence and self esteem has gone through the roof! We see each other 2 or 3 times a week, he sends my delicious naughty texts and being desired is just so good!
Several people have commented on how happy I look

GO FOR IT X

In a LTR now, but I had a FWB for a while in the past (couple of years). He was the right person at the right time… neither wanted anything seriously, both needed a connection (one night stands wouldn’t work for either of us), neither of us are ‘jealous types’ (we slept with other people… at one point a girl he knew briefly had a late period, he was panicking… I was his supportive friend through that.). In some ways it was the most trusting emotionally available relationship I’ve ever had…. I’d be mortified talking to current DP about accidental pregnancy with someone else!

FWB is now married, and a brilliant step dad… who took her name (easier than changing kids names). His wife is beautiful, and he’s clearly very happy. I’m genuinely so happy for him.

That all said…. The time and the person needed ti be right for it to work for me.

Why all the guilt !?
you want sex and intimacy
Like most humans

I’d say the thing to be careful of is developing feelings
ive done that and it’s causing me issues

but also many FWB can and do develop

keep your wits about you and take the plunge

If you have a history of abusive relationships I would wonder whether you are really ready and able to cope with what you are describing.

A FWB might sound good on paper but unless you have someone in mind who is genuinely a friend/acquaintance already, what you will end up with is men on online dating sites/apps who are looking for casual sex.

You might be lucky and find a decent guy this way who you will enjoy some good times with.

More likely you will come across a bunch of selfish lovers who are sleeping with multiple women and really don't care about you and probably will disappear after a couple of encounters. In the long term you really need a healthy dose of self-esteem and resilience to deal with this.

So although there is no moral issues, I think you need to have a think about whether emotionally you will be able to deal with this.