DH is about to turn 50, and I’m freaking out

[Tiagrah]

Someone please give my head a wobble.

DH is 10 years older than me and the age gap has never been an issue before, until now.

The sniper years have not been kind to my family - I lost both parents young, along with aunts, uncles and cousins all dying in their 50s (or sooner).

DH was also recently diagnosed with a (minor) heart condition which he is managing.

And I am freaking out, completely. I’m convinced something bad is going to happen. I’ve always been a huge commitment phobe due to a fear of loss but therapy got me through that or so I thought. But honestly, I just feel like running away. The thought of him being in his 50s is suddenly terrifying to me.

WTF do I do? He is lovely. Our relationship is great (married 10y). I wasn’t expecting to feel such a visceral reaction to this and it’s totally knocked me off kilter.

So this issue aside, your relationship is great?

If it is great then I suggest it’s time to root out your therapist’s number again

We’ve had ups and downs like any couple but yes, we’re very happy. And he talks about the future and our plans etc - downsizing the house when the kids grow up and moving to the countryside. And I just can’t imagine any of it happening.

Sounds like you're really happy with him. You've said you have anxiety around loss, I'm not surprised as you've had a real round of it, sorry that will be hard. If you benefited from therapy before, could you access it again to help you regain a sense of equilibrium in the present.

He's 50 not 80.

50 is the new 30. So in a way, he's younger than you.

50 is young!

As long as he takes care of himself you can still have many decades to grow old together

you should speak to someone about your anxiety

Head Wobble - stop projecting your past onto his future. Nobody can predict anybody's future and if you want to end it based on something that hasn't and might never happen then that's your call.

Or you could absolutely make the most of the fact that you both woke up this morning, and the next, and the one after that.

My dad's 12 years older than my step-mom and she's in worse health than him!

Age is just a number. This is definitely your past skewing your logic.

50 is not old.
If she feel you need therapy again it might be a good idea.
You shouldn't be feeling like this and it's obviously connected to the losses you have had.
Anything can happen at any time - someone could be killed in a road accident tomorrow - you can't live your life thinking about things like that. The same goes for aging. Who knows what the future will bring - but he could be sprightly and fit into his 90s.

I agree with that.

Id also suggest that you talk to him about your fears (because they are just that - fears, nit the reality).
And to concentrate on the day in front if you rather that what MIGHT be happening in 5 years time.

((hugs)) because that type if fear might be ‘irrational’ but it’s shit….

But by running away you’d just leave your children with someone who you think is going to die soon?

Definitely therapy op

You can’t worry about stuff like this. Life is a lottery. People due at all ages due to all sorts of things. If he’s being monitored for a heart issue in some ways that should be reassuring as they’re keeping an eye on him! My Dad is 85 and smoked since he was 11, drinks like a fish and has never had anything more than an ingrown toenail. I’m 42 and have chronic disabilities and take 22 medications a day and will never work again despite spending my earlier years being vegetarian and exercising etc, not drinking. Don’t spend your life worrying about this stuff, you’re literally wasting your life away.

My dad died when he was only 45 and I remember panicking when I reached that age as was convinced something would happen to me too.

It may be worth you having some more counselling to deal with this and find some peace in your head.

Bloody hell. Some totally empathy-lacking responses on here. If you haven't experienced most of your relatives dying young, then you cannot understand in a million years, so please give the OP a break.

I totally get you OP, all of mine were gone by the time I was 30. It is scary. I'm now six years older than the age my father was when he died. It is in the back of my mind all the time. Tucked away at the back. I try to keep it there, fairly successfully most of the time. There are some things you can't allow to dominate your life and this is one of them. I can't really explain to you how I manage it because everyone is different, but if you really struggle to control these intrusive thoughts, then perhaps you need to seek professional support. Just to talk things through. xx