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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My sister is being abused but won't leave

21 replies

Atonebe · 27/12/2022 16:15

My DS has been with her partner for 5 years, all seemed ok until this year really. Well this is when the family found out.
Her son,my nephew is 4. In June this year she broke down to me stating that she had thrown her partner out, he was a cocaine addict and he had physically hurt her. She had lots of marks on her, we were all mortified. It also came out that he had forced her to have sex, he also slept with her childhood friend Infront of her, safe to say they aren't friends anymore but he told my sister that he should let him sleep with someone thinner. If she refused he would beat her. She left him for 3 months.
A month into having him back he smashed her house and car up in a cocaine fueled rage with my nephew inside and the police were called but she dropped charges. Again after a couple of months they resumed but lived apart.
This Christmas it has blown up again, he has hit her and locked her and my nephew in the house. She managed to get out with my nephew and rung 999. She's already saying she doesn't want to press charges. I feel so helpless I love my sister and my nephew dearly but I cannot stand by and watch this anymore.😢

OP posts:
annielouisa · 27/12/2022 17:41

Haven't the police involved SS as there is DV and a child involved? Be there for you DS and DN so she does not feel she has nowhere to turn.

Mumofnarnia · 27/12/2022 18:37

The police will automatically inform ss of this incident. If she does not leave him she risks losing her child. Hopefully if nothing else, then that should be the wake-up call she needs to leave.

Original poster
Atonebe · 27/12/2022 18:41

She's had one visit off SS. They asked her if he'd moved out. She said yes and that he had no contact with child. Which was true at the time. He doesn't bother with nephew when they split. She never heard from them again.
Me and my parents have been beside ourselves since this happened. I wish she could do it for them both but he seems to have some sort of hold over them.

OP posts:
JoyBeorge · 27/12/2022 18:46

I'm astounded that she's not putting the child first. This sounds horrific.

Onnabugeisha · 27/12/2022 18:48

Can you find a place for her to go? Perhaps it’s a case of can’t leave, not won’t leave.

Helplesstohelp22 · 27/12/2022 18:49

When you're with an abusive man you're trapped in a cycle of good moments and pure terror. It becomes a compulsion to paper over the bad moments and try to hold your relationship together. The idea of somehow causing "drama" by initiating a breakup can feel impossible because all you want is the relative peace that follows an abusive episode instead of being the one to trigger it.

This makes it very hard to detach. Your best bet is to make it clear SS will remove her child. Or that her husband will accidentally or deliberately cause him serious physical harm to go along with all the emotional damage that's occurred so far.

Her brain is not working rationally because of what is going on and she's choosing what she thinks is the most peaceful route, which obviously is not the right one.

Aquasulis · 27/12/2022 18:49

You need to empower her - she has a home with you always no matter how many times she goes back - the average woman does it 7 times be there and show texts or photos of her bruises to the police and stick to the truth
constantly reinforce he will kill her and her child and you will always help

Sindonym · 27/12/2022 18:52

SS will remove her child if she does not protect him. Does she understand that?

Furdinand · 27/12/2022 19:03

Is she in the UK op?

CheesePants · 27/12/2022 19:09

Oh just saw she rang 999. Witnesses don't press charges in the UK. That's something from American telly. The police can push for a prosecution without your sister. I don't see why they wouldn't as a child was involved. Have you thought about contacting them yourselves?

pinkfondu · 27/12/2022 19:10

Get back onto SS again.

Pinksmyfavoritecolour · 27/12/2022 19:15

Have a read up on trauma bonding, Ide imagine this is part of what she is experiencing. The worst thing you can do is judge and tell her what to do, the best thing you can do is just listen, and let her know you love them, if she feels your telling her to leave because of it she may stop telling you and isolate herself, she vulnerable and is in a circle of chaos, maybe contact social services anonymously and express your concerns for your nephew.

Original poster
Atonebe · 28/12/2022 10:24

It's her house not his and he hasn't lived there recently.The police have been poor in my opinion, they didn't come out this time and keep moving the appointment to come and see her.
I find as time goes on and she calms down, she wants to speak to them less and says she doesn't really see the point as it has all passed over, but there is always a next time.
I have read up about trauma bonding and believe she could be experiencing this. She often feels sorry for him and he does not leave her alone, he follows her when she is driving, she can have up to 100 phone calls a day off him. It is relentless.
We have spoken to his family they are useless. They just repair the damage he causes.
My parents have thought about phoning SS but they don't seem to have done anything as of yet anyway.

OP posts:
LittleMy77 · 28/12/2022 21:16

Can she block and delete him on all socials? can / will she apply for a non molestation order against him which means he can’t legally come near them?

In my experience with a family member in similar situation, the police were useless. She needs a good solicitor who specialises in dealing with DV and take it from there

tickticksnooze · 28/12/2022 21:21

Dropping/pressing charges isn't a thing in this country - the police make the decision not the victim. In a DV situation the police can pursue a case even if the victim is unwilling to support.

You can't force her to leave him - that just replicates his abuse and undermines your arguments as to why she should want to leave him - all you can do is keep the door open and support her so when she is ready, she has a way out.

Notanotherusername4321 · 28/12/2022 21:25

Dropping/pressing charges isn't a thing in this country - the police make the decision not the victim

it’s the CPS that make the decision to prosecute or not. All the police can do is present their case- easier with the victim’s support but they can do it without as pp have said.

Depends whether there is enough other evidence that the CPS think there is a chance of a good outcome. Unfortunately the CPS often err on the side of caution, unless it’s an almost guaranteed conviction they won’t prosecute.

tickticksnooze · 28/12/2022 21:28

Dropping/pressing charges isn't a thing in this country - the police make the decision not the victim. In a DV situation the police can pursue a case even if the victim is unwilling to support.

You can't force her to leave him - that just replicates his abuse and undermines your arguments as to why she should want to leave him - all you can do is keep the door open and support her so when she is ready, she has a way out.

spidereggs · 28/12/2022 21:33

Scotland here and just adding it's not a choice. If the police are called , end of. Doesn't matter what victims want to do, pfs sand police press ahead. To the point he would appear quick and if bailed, no contact, very little hope of changing that until sentence or trial.

England is different, but I'm confident others are correct and it's not her decision.

Original poster
Atonebe · 29/12/2022 09:44

Thank you for all your replies, yes we are in England. I have no idea why the police didn't follow the report from last time, all I knew is that the police kept constantly phoning her asking her to take it forward because she refused nothing ever came from it.
The police still haven't come out this time, they're stating that there's no appointments and now my DS has said she isn't going to speak to them. Back to square 1.
My parents had my nephew over night last night where he kept crying to phone my DS. When he phoned her he said he wanted to make sure she was ok, utterly heartbreaking and out of sorts for him. He is usually a happy little boy.
My DD was furious and said he wanted to phone social services last night as my nephew is obviously going through it now.

OP posts:
Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 29/12/2022 09:50

You can ring ss you know! Doesn't have to be your dps....

jannier · 29/12/2022 10:09

It's not just your sister being abused your nephew is too.....if you were a neighbour would you be calling social services for the poor child? If the answer is yes then that is what you should do. It's your sister's choice to allow this man to continue but your nephew needs protection witnessing and living with someone in these circumstances is abuse

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