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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH only nice when he wants something

21 replies

Lulu885 · 27/12/2022 13:28

Is anyone else’s husband only nice when they want to have sex? I’m realising more and more that my husband doesn’t care about me or our kids. He is always in the huff and I constantly feel like i’m walking on eggshells. If he is randomly nice to
me (such as gives me a compliment) I notice he goes in a huff if I don’t have sex with him later on. He doesn’t cook or clean. He works away and I’m the one who keeps the family running and he’s not much help when he’s home. I don’t think he has a huge interest in me or the kids.

At the moment I’m unwell with the flu and he’s in a huge huff about me being sick. I made sure he had a long in bed until 11:45 and when I couldn’t cope anymore as I need my bed he came downstairs pretty much snarled at me saying I’m putting it all on and sent me to my room telling me not to talk to him. He said all this infront of our children.

Any insight would be appreciated.

OP posts:
OwwwMuuuum · 27/12/2022 13:28

Why are you with him?

Original poster
Lulu885 · 27/12/2022 13:31

i ask myself that a lot. I am well aware I. am partly to blame for this situation as I’m still here. I don’t have any family and I think that is why I’m still here and haven’t left.

OP posts:
Lexi868 · 27/12/2022 13:31

He sounds absolutely terrible and very selfish. I wouldn't put up with him anymore if that's what he's constantly like.

Soothsayer1 · 27/12/2022 13:33

He works away so that gives you time to make a good escape plan.

Original poster
Lulu885 · 27/12/2022 13:35

He does have his good points, if someone asks him to do something that 9/10 he will do it. He is good at DIY. He is sensible with money. However he is constantly negative and if I’m not well he throws a massive strop. I don’t think he really sees how much I do for him. When I say that to him he just says the same about me. I can never win.

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 27/12/2022 13:42

Treating you with open content in front of your children is very bad, I think I would try and have a proper frank discussion with him and lay out how I feel.
I think it can be difficult in relationships where one partner works away a lot of the time, others in similar situations may be able to give good advice?

Original poster
Lulu885 · 27/12/2022 13:43

I wouldn’t even know where to begin with making an escape plan

OP posts:
Greenfairydust · 27/12/2022 13:59

I always wonder why the bar is so low it seems with what is expected of men.

He sounds really unpleasant and selfish and I would not want to live with someone like that.

Original poster
Lulu885 · 27/12/2022 14:04

I do agree and I know I’m to blame for sticking with him. I have had many frank conversations with him over the years. I’m quite a strong person and find it easy to speak out however he dismisses what I say. He is really disrespectful at times. My salary is very small and I have no family so I guess I feel a bit stuck and that I can’t just move out straight away. I also keep hoping for the best and that he’ll change. I know that is silly.

OP posts:
FavouriteDogMug · 27/12/2022 14:16

He sounds horrible and let's you down when you need him most, what would happen if you got really ill? I'm not saying it's easy to divorce but it can be done.

Original poster
Lulu885 · 27/12/2022 14:26

I have been seriously ill in the past and he did take care of me. It’s just when I have viruses etc. or when I’m tired. He does feel very sorry for himself a lot of the time and he’s just came and asked me to get out of bed so he can nap, saying it’s not a competition.

thanks for the insight, I guess I just wanted to make sure I’m not going crazy as he does make me feel everything is my fault.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 27/12/2022 14:28

He doesn't like you OP, sorry.

Original poster
Lulu885 · 27/12/2022 14:29

Wallace, no I don’t think he does either

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/12/2022 14:31

SadAngry

WallaceinAnderland · 27/12/2022 14:33

Have a look at what benefits you would receive if you separated.

Soothsayer1 · 27/12/2022 14:34

My salary is very small and I have no family
Which is why he feels able to treat you like this, he knows you have no other options.
If it is the case that things aren't going to get any better it is probably best if you accept that fact. I would then just start pretending, humour him so that life is as pleasant as possible at home whilst in the background and when he is away carefully making a plan for a better life for yourself and the children

MerryChristmasTree · 27/12/2022 14:36

Your children will grow up to copy his behaviour.

Original poster
Lulu885 · 27/12/2022 14:52

Soothsayer, thank you. I know you are right and I have told him so in the past, and he denied that of course and puts the blame
of our relationship woes entirely on me. I feel like I already cater to his every whim and by default I’m quite accommodating and avoid confrontation. But none of that makes any difference and I never know what’s going to set him off. So we end up in this daily struggle. It’s worse now because I’m not well. Typing this all out really is making me wake up to it all.

OP posts:
July70 · 27/12/2022 14:55

Sound like my DH.
DH is really, really happy when there are three i a bed, ie one other male stranger. I think most men to a great degree are like that, IE only happy when they get what they want or a bit tippsy.

Soothsayer1 · 27/12/2022 14:58

Lulu885 · 27/12/2022 14:52

Soothsayer, thank you. I know you are right and I have told him so in the past, and he denied that of course and puts the blame
of our relationship woes entirely on me. I feel like I already cater to his every whim and by default I’m quite accommodating and avoid confrontation. But none of that makes any difference and I never know what’s going to set him off. So we end up in this daily struggle. It’s worse now because I’m not well. Typing this all out really is making me wake up to it all.

Don't blame yourself please, these situations can become very tangled and difficult for both parties, I think the first step can be understanding the dynamics of the situation, accepting what is really happening etc.
I have found it helpful to keep a log of things that happen ....then you can see patterns etc.

Original poster
Lulu885 · 27/12/2022 15:12

No I have to accept that I chose to marry and subsequently have children with him. I did used to believe that his moodiness and disrespect towards me was all my fault but I am waking up. Thank you that is a really useful idea. I’m mostly just ashamed that my marriage is like this.

OP posts:
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