Husband doesn’t have empathy

[Lulu885]

Looking for advice. My husband and I have been together for 12 years, since we were both 20. We have 3 young kids now. Throughout the years we’ve had good times and bad. However one constant is that we can have nice days and then my husband will just snap out of the blue, which is something he has always done. He snaps at the kids too. He spends most of the time scrolling on his phone. He never seems happy. I have asked him to go to the doctor about maybe having depression but he says I’m the one who is depressed. He has been physical aggressive on two occasions when he has been very very drunk.

He is good around the house with DIY but never cooks or cleans. He earns more than me and I look after the kids as he works offshore. I also have a parttime job. It’s fair to say I am completely burnt out trying to keep the family going. I don’t get a rest, not even when he is at home. I still make all the meals and do all the cleaning and majority of the childcare.

The problem is I’m currently ill with the flu, and whenever I’m unwell he gets SO ANNOYED and huffy with me. He is now saying he is sick, although he doesn’t appear to be. He will ALWAYS say he is unwell when I am unwell. I looked after the kids all morning and now it’s nearly lunchtime I asked him to come and take care of them so I can go to bed. He is FURIOUS that I got him out of bed and spoke to me so harshly infront of the kids saying “don’t talk to me” and that I “never allow” him to be ill.

I really don’t know what to do, I feel so trapped sometimes. I don’t think he cares for me or how I feel. He is very stroppy and unkind sometimes. He struggles to make friends and doesn’t see his family.

I guess my question is, is anyone else’s husband like this?

God he sounds absolutely awful and abusive.

Dear god no. My DH is 100% not like that. He'd look after me and our DC even if he had flu. You've picked a bit of a shit bloke there, sorry

Nope. I tend to avoid abusive wankers these days.

Divorce time op. You're dating a narcissist or similar. Run.

That’s what I thought. Thanks for your replies.

How narcissists treat you when you are ill.

Your title is misleading, there’s a lot more than missing empathy going on.
He sounds like an awful sexist pig. My DH isn’t like this at all. We both do cleaning, cooking, DIY, take care of DCs, etc.

My boss has zero empathy and he's impossible to work with - I'm leaving.

When I hear how he treats his wife I have no idea why she stays with him. He does exactly what he wants and she has to do everything else and is basically does 90 percent of childcare, while he swans around going out or on holidays with mates just like he is still single.

I can really empathise with what this might be like for you and I wouldn't put any money on him ever understanding -.my boss never ever listens. He gives the appearance of listening and always gives positive answers that make the question go away but, if you watch, he never actually actions what he said he would.

Ask him if he understands what it means to be a husband and father?

it does not mean going to work and putting the bins out

it means being a good role model to your kids, it means being a team with your wife to run the house and raise the kids, by raise the kids I mean bath them, read to them, encourage them and also stepping up when you are ill

you have been doing all the legwork for years and he has had it very lucky

hes a pathetic excuse of a man as far as I am concerned and I agree with a pp that his lack of empathy is the least of your worries

wouox You manage financially without him?

This isn’t normal OP. We’ve all been so ill with this horrible bug going round, and we’ve both tried to give each other a break as much as possible. I spent all day in bed yesterday as I was so unwell and DH hosted our family, cooked for everyone, and looked after our two young children. Even thought to send my family off with homemade soup for my DM who is also unwell with this bug. Your DH is abusive and useless. Your life would be so much easier without him.

This is not just about empathy.

He is simply an abusive waste of space....

Leave him. It also is not fair on your kids to have to grow up around someone like that.

He does help putting the kids to bed, he plays with them, and as i said before I have been seriously unwell in the past and he took care of me then with no complaints. 50% of the time things are good but then he just snaps out of the blue, or gives me or one of the kids a dirty look and spends hours scrolling on his phone. I wouldn’t say he was a narcissist but he was raised by one and therefore he’s never had a positive male role model but that’s not an excuse as he should understand basic respect. He doesn’t really care about how i am as he always thinks about himself. He’s only ever really nice when he wants something. Don’t mean to go on a long rant of complaints, it’s just the first time I’ve really expressed any of this.

Really sorry OP, I've been where you are and after 15 years separated and happily divorced. It was v hard as he was a narcissistic abusive arsehole and gaslit my eldest dc against me. I wish I'd left when expecting youngest as years of neglectful, horrible abuse wouldn't have happened. I made excuses constantly for his awful conduct but it went v far to the extent I had to flee during night with DC for safety. One time too many, he would shut the baby in the room with me when I was ill. Get out now. Honestly it'll only get worse. In the years since he's gone through a string of vulnerable women.

Just because his parents might have been worse narcissists than him (assuming you know this and it's not just what he told you) doesn't mean he isn't also one.

He doesn't empathise, he only thinks about himself, he only acts nice when he wants something - I mean I'm sorry op but that's a narcissist. Well, or a psychopath. Normal people have empathy, care about those they love, aren't exceedingly manipulative. And, don't hit their wives.

Maybe he isn't grandiose? And that's why it never clicked for you as to what he was. But not all of them are. The key trait is utter selfishness. That's how you know you're dealing with a disordered personality.

Pinkbonbon I never thought of it that way before, because he isn’t grandiose. He hates showing off or being the centre of attention. But I think you’re absolutely right. It’s quite worrying now you’ve pointed it out.

Also just to note, you say he will 'help' putting the kids to bed. They're his kids!

It's his house, he's supposed to keep it clean. It's his children, he's supposed to feed, bathe and read to them, it's his wife, he's supposed to consider her feelings, dreams, needs and wellbeing.

Putting his own kids to bed isn't medal worthy.
He's somehow got you running around ragged doing all the things he is supposed to be contributing to. And he won't even step up to the plate and do his share when you are ill.

LTB dude, LTB

Yes a lot of them slip under our radar because we have am image of the pompous, blowhard narc that brags and bosts. But not all of thrm are like that. It's a sliding scale for different traits. Some of them are more sadistic than others, some more overt and attention seeking, some more pompous, some more deceptive ect... but the linking traits are that they are selfish af.

Covert narcissists make up about 50% of narcissists and they may be more introverted, less grandiose, more 'woe is me' than the overt ones too.

Thank you, I feel a bit silly it’s gone on for so long and I haven’t even thought of it that way before. Thank you for taking the time to explain this to me. I guess I just couldn’t see what’s going on. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this in the past too.

I think we all have to deal with these sorts from time to time. Its a learning curve to start seeing them for what they are. And then once you do...you can finally act without Rose tinted glasses.

Don't feel silly, you're a normal, kind, empathetic human being so you just assumed the person you liked was too. He hides his lack of empathy from time to time but when you get right down to it, there are things a normal person would never do (eg: hitting) that give him away for what he is.