What to do…

[Torn153]

Around 15 years ago I met a man through my DD nursery, he had a son at the same place. We struck up a friendship, which turned into a brief relationship. He was recently divorced and had full custody of both DC. Nothing went wrong with our relationship, he just had too much going on at the time and wanted to focus on the kids which I respected. We have stayed in touch over the years exchanging messages about the kids, work etc. he was also there for me emotionally when both my parents passed away, without hesitation. I always knew I could contact him and he would be there.

I stayed single for years afterwards and focused on studying, work and my DD. I met my current partner a couple of years ago, it’s all very pleasant. We don’t live together, doubt we ever will, no chat of marriage. He has a problem with commitment. For all he would never see anyone else he just likes being on his own. Over the past while I’ve felt like I’ve been checking out emotionally. We have nice days/nights together but then I return home and resume my own very separate life.

Recently my ex has been in touch more, he has told me he is now ready for a relationship. That DC are older and he has time to put into me. He says he always knew we would end up back together, he just needed to be in the right space for it and that he’s never been more certain of anything.

I’m conflicted in what to do. I always adored this man, we have been in touch for so long and he was there for me during some of the worst times of my life. Do I take the chance, end my relationship and see what can happen second time round? Or do I just stay where I am? Coasting through life

I think you need to separate the 2 things:

If you're not happy with your current relationship end it, but end it regardless not for the ex. That would add too much pressure and confusion. Assume you'd be single if you ended it - would you still do it?

Then separately, assuming you were single would you start dating the ex again? I would take it slow, ho on a few dates with no expectations instead of rushing in expecting a full blown relationship. As much as you've kept in touch over the years it doesn't sound like you've spent much time together IRL so you don't know how you have both changed etc

I think I’m at the point of wanting to end my current relationship regardless. I’ve lost a few friends due to him and his treatment of me. And I’ve just kinda checked out, wen I’m with him I catch myself looking at him sometimes and I’m not sure if I even like/fancy him.

If I was single so to speak and my ex came back like he is now, I would be there in a heartbeat. I have joked over the years he’s the one who got away. There was no malice in our breakup at all. He’s a good friend, a great father and he’s still as handsome as he was all those years ago.

but ur right I shouldn’t rush anything.

As an outsider I really don't see what you're debating. I still think it should be 2 separate decisions - you sound like you'd me better single than with current DP.

Therefore while it's 2 separate decisions , both sound like 'no-brainers' to me

@candycane10 thank you. I would never do anything untowards like overlap relationships or anything.

current partner and I are away for new years for a few days. On my return I’ll have a serious conversation with him and then take a little time to work out how to move forward. I don’t even feel I would be remotely upset after our break up. It’s very superficial (I’m 15 years younger than him, think I’m arm candy that he can’t be arsed to commit to)

then I’ll think about how things could look for the ex and I

Take the chance as if you’re pondering binning your current partner off then that tells you all you need to know about your future with him. Good luck!

@Torn153 sorry, I wasn't suggesting there would be an overlap as in that you'd cheat. It's more from the perspective that if you end one relationship for a new one it adds a lot of pressure and expectation. If it doesn't work out you don't want to be in a position where you resent him for the previous one ending - doesn't sound like you would be missing out on much!

@orangegato thank you

@candycane10 no I know you weren’t. Just wanted to be clear as I know people can have strong opinions on here about that sort of thing

I totally get wot u mean. I don’t need the added pressure

You really don't owe your current 'partner' anything except honesty. He has made it abundantly clear that he expects this relationship to be commitment free.. it cuts both ways and the price you pay for such selfish behaviour.

Leave him. He wants no future but you do. You have that offer. Seize the day !

@Hadtochangeforthisone yeah I think he’s made that more than clear. I’m just on a shelf waiting until he wants to parade me infront of his work colleagues or fancies a day out.

I am apprehensive about the ex tho… I kno a lot of people reflect at Christmas as it’s a lonely time. Then go back to normal in the new year. It’s a gamble

If you recognise you aren't happy with your current partner anyway it makes it much less of a gamble.....

End it with him regardless then what do you have to lose?!

@candycane10 yeah I’m definitely going to end it. Wot we have is not enough for me.

and separately I guess I’m just anxious as I have held this ex on a pedestal for years. And i think if it wasn’t to work out this time round it would ruin that

Again, 2 separate questions:

A) simple- current bf doesn't sound great, end it civilly and honestly, I think you'll feel relief more than anything. Do you need to go with him for NY?

B) it sounds like ex ended things first time round for honourable reasons and has been kind and consistent with you ever since as a friend. Why not give things a try again? Dont go in for great declarations of love or anything, just see how things go. Take a little bit of time to yourself before making a decision if you like as breathing space. He should respect if you want to take it reasonably slowly since he ended things last time and you've just come out of a relationship with someone else that's been winding down for some time. Hope it goes well!

@hugefanofcheese

yeah I need to go for NY, he has work mates and their wives flying from as far as America for us all to go to Skye, Scotland. So again I’m being wheeled out to make him look good. Wouldn’t have him going on his own cos I cancelled last minute.

and my ex has been understanding of the situation. Told me to take all the time I need and we can move at my pace, if I even want to progress. He’s such a good man

Tbh I wouldn't be putting myself out if I thought someone was "only wheeling me out to make himself look good"

Oooh, all advice here is good advice. By all means finish with current love interest and get that out of the way.
Job done.
With regard to ex, and I’m speaking from experience, go slowly and carefully. Leopards really don’t change their spots and what seems like a good idea and lovely idea now might come to bite you on the bottom. I’d suggest you don’t invest too much too soon. I did and it all collapsed like a deck of cards around me 12 months later.
Take care of yourself.

@Warspite can I ask what happened with u’s?

@Torn153

Long ago when God was still a girl and dinosaurs roamed the earth, I was married but we separated for five years. Continued as “friends” and did not divorce.

He got sick and we’d been getting on so well whilst living separately, that by mutual agreement I went back to live with him. Gave up everything. Absolutely everything. Sold my home, the lot. Just kept my job on.

He went back to being a controlling, selfish, self centred nightmare and I had to get out. It was a struggle to regroup and start again but I did it.

We did finally divorce but the whole episode cost me a huge amount of emotional stress and money because I’d stepped off the property ladder and had to get bsck on it!

Final note - we continued as (sort of) friends because we had a teen child/young adult between us. For their sake, after the angst and dust settled, we remained on guarded friendship terms until he passed away.

I could write a book!

End your current relationship. Tell your ex you need time to clear your head and take 6 months for yourself. Life isn't a decision between 2 relationships; it's a decision between whether to have a relationship or not, and then you decide who with.

Anyone as mixed up as you about it a) needs to be single for a while and b) hasn't met anyone outstanding enough to be sure about. If you're wondering whether a relationship is a good idea, it's not. Only go for those you feel consistently right about. If you want your life to feel like a risk zone, take risks. If you want your life to feel safe and secure, choose safe and secure options.