He went to rehab. Now what?

[Betterversion]

I was starting up a relationship with someone (past friend) when their drug taking started back up. First a few joints which tbh was a red flag, then lines of cocaine. A hugely troubled old friend. He was very open with me - and I with him - and he took himself off to rehab for a month.

so now he’s out and our friendship has picked up from where it left off, except we are taking v tiny steps & making no promises.

Can anyone give me advice? It’s easy to hear him say the good things, that he fucked up his life, that he realises he will never be cured, that he has to live in the here & now. I can’t be confident he wouldn’t relapse but I know him well & he is a very smart, well supported, engaged old friend.

What am I asking? I wonder if anyone has been in this position? We are late 40s, divorced, I have grown up DCs, he has none.

Has anyone been in this position? How do I keep myself looked-after & safe? I wish I could look into the future.

If you want to be together, if you are willing to take that step with him, you need to set some zero tolerance boundaries and stick to them. Make him aware the first sign of drug use and you walk. You do not take him back, you walk away and don't look back if he slips into old habits again. He can't hang his sobriety on you, but you can't be waiting for the other shoe to drop forever. You need to know should the worst happen exactly what you will do in that moment and stick to it.

My feeling is that it's way too early in his recovery for him to be contemplating starting up a relationship. At the moment, he needs to be focusing on his sobriety and that may involve being quite selfish. I would be concerned that trying to pursue a relationship right now could wreck things in the long term. Better to stand back and let him do the work.

What kind of ongoing support does he have, a sponsor or similar? He should be asking advice from his support team about what's appropriate. It sounds like the drug taking was only part of his troubles and he should be focusing on counselling and getting help.

Thank you, both. Great point, @Sausagedognamedmash zero tolerance boundaries. I had already started setting these within our friendship & he was receptive and did respect them, so I will do the same again.

@tribpot Yes, way too early & I am the one thinking ahead. I need to slow down myself. He is good for now & there is no pressure from him.

Yes, he has a sponsor, weekly meetings & a year of aftercare. He is doing the things you say, getting advice & focussing on his personal work. He has additional counselling.

Thank you for these posts, this is v helpful. I need to keep myself safe as there are issues of my own for which I’m having counselling. Ironically he has never made me feel unsafe & was always truthful, even at the v worst of this, but I need to take very small steps indeed, even as a friend.

A person just out of rehab and in the early stages of recovery will appreciate your support, but it will be some time before they should enter a relationship. One reason is that most relationships don't actually last and with the probability of this comes the probability that the stress of a break up might trigger a relapse. This would have a hold over you and you might become trapped with a sense of responsibility that you can't end things and move on as would be normal when a relationship has ran its course. Not a position you want to be in.

Thank you @DosCervezas for rational words. I need to hear this sort of thing & have printed this out for myself.

It is way too early to enter a relationship. I think he might be “testing” to check I’m still interested. I am, but I need to have a series of conversations with him, starting with exactly what you have said - if this relationship doesn’t work out, he needs to consider what he would do in the evening it might trigger a relapse. That’s soooo distant-future.

I need to take care, myself, that I don’t end up in a co-dependent relationship. I adore him but I have worked hard at being my own person and I adore myself even more.

Yes, becoming trapped with a sense of responsibility is exactly it. Thank you for wording it for me.