Relationships and Christmas presents

[MinkyGreen]

I know this is going to sound awful - but I’m beginning to hate Christmas presents. I have a family member and a close friend who go completely over the top - and I want it to stop!

My three year old (awaiting ASD) has a very limited interest in presents. The stress I had yesterday - of trying to get him to unwrap and look interested in countless presents, while the giver looked disappointed/had clearly spent vast amounts of time debating what to buy/wrapping etc - was just not worth it. Plus the expense!

And I’m about to repeat the whole scenario tomorrow. I’ve told both prior to Xmas not to get anything/much - and that he’s not really interested - but they don’t listen!!
I’m wondering if I just don’t get involved in the ‘trying to engage’ tomorrow - and then the giver can really see for future occasions that one small gift is enough…
I feel like it’s almost turning into a battle of dominance - the more I say don’t worry, the more we seem to get from them!
The giver I’m seeing tomorrow - I do get her gifts back (maybe too many) but it’s because she buys for me/DP/DD and DS - each getting at least 10 gifts (DP 2 or 3) - so that’s about 35 presents (plus she got 7 pre Xmas gifts for us). So 40+ presents. I’ve got her about 8 or 9. And she looks very annoyed when I give her anything!! I’ve suggested 1 present only, only getting Charity Shop gifts etc, etc - what do I do??

Oh! I've got a family member like this!!! And a DS(15) with ASD and other stuff going on.

Ive cut down dramatically on what I give the kids particularly DS because they literally need nothing

The last two years most of his presents frpm my relative have gone completed untouched. This year he opened one and went back to bed. I make sure he says thank you (or say thank you on his behalf) as he receives the present but that's it. In the end a present is a present not an obligation, if he hasn't got the capacity for more he hasn't got the capacity.

The rest of us have to politely suffer through, we just dont need that much stuff anymore. You feel really inadequate as she give 15 things to each person and you give one thing (usually consumeable). But tbh i know she has bought most stuff charity shop and that most of the stuff will ho straight back to charity shop so the charities will benefit. This year I have told DD she can straight charity shop the stuff as opposed to hang onto it, she doesn't have room in the room. Also the stuff is significantly more junky this year as my relative is ill on morphine and absolutely no clue at all. there used to be the odd real gems in the junk but this year it really is all junk.

I absolutely will not give hundreds of presents back as my relative must spend a fortune.

I'd just get your toddler to open one, and if they're not interested, let them do what they want instead. They can open everything over days rather than all at once. Stop trying to please the relative. You warned them, it's their own lookout.

Probably important to teach the toddler that what you do with presents is open them, smile and say thank you, but I wouldn't make them do loads.

Thank you for your replies. I did feel myself completely empathising with DS. He was expected to interact in a certain way with the presents - and it just wasn’t his level or interest. And the implication that there was something ‘wrong’ with him for not being interested?? Really? Who is wrong? The adult overspending on rubbish or the child who is not remotely interested. I did encourage him to say thank you - but he wasn’t grateful at all! He didn’t want it! He quite liked ripping the small pieces of left over wrapping paper and making snow…

I get the impression that there is almost a dominance issue with the present giving. I WILL give more than you, I am the more caring person, I put in the most thought. And then the huge deflation when a three year old ASD child doesn’t do what is expected. I hate it!!! It’s such a bloody waste.

I was hoping there would be a post on this. We have a 3 year old and a 4 month old baby and the amount gifts they received was insane. We decided to scale back this year on what we give to ourselves but so many things from family and friends. I'm looking at the tree now and there are still a massive haul that hasn't been opened. It took me 7 trips with massive sacks to gather them all from the lean-to on christmas eve. Not to mention the ones I kept behind from us for 'Santa's' visit.

After my daughter opened about 8 on Christmas day she totally got overwhelmed, gave up and decided to put on a fashion show with her new dresses! We ended up having to coax her to open the rest so we could take photos to send to the givers and keep tabs on what to write thank you letters for. We continued to open more yesterday and even now there's still 12 unopened under the tree. Out of all that loot her favorate gift was a inexpensive wind up torch I put in her stocking which she's been doing shadow puppets with.

I don't know what the solution is. I don't want to take away people's enjoyment in giving gifts but really, my daughter has so much already and my 4 month old will get everything passed down. Yet there are so many kids who don't have anything that would be so greatful to open something on Xmas. It just always feels so unfair. We do what we can, in terms of donating and giving things. Before I had a family, for 10 years I would spend the whole of Christmas week volunteering at CRISIS and those were the best Christmas. It felt like it meant something. We like to make our own gifts to give to friends/family but not everyone has the time so totally understand it's just easy to send something from Amazon. But we honestly don't need people to spend their money on us - especially with the cost of living crisis, but it feels like we're all been conditioned to do so.

@Daddydog

I completely agree. Completely. My inner reaction was ‘oh bloody hell no’ when the massive box appeared. It was almost torture to keep him interested. And I’ve got the same happening tomorrow.

No, of course he wasn't! Bless him. But it's just teaching him the appropriate social response, no different from teaching him how to put on his shoes. Maybe look at it like that.

But really don't make him do a massive pile again. Must have been agony.

Can't you let them know what he's interested in? Would they be prepared to give towards a membership for days out? Money for savings?

@category12

but what am I teaching him? Be grateful for 40 unnecessary gifts that you don’t want or need? That overspending in the midst of a cost of living crisis is right - you do actually need all this stuff?

I think he had a natural reaction - and it’s the adults that need teaching! Even if I said ‘he likes balls’ I’d get a massive plastic, all flashing blinging and dancing monstrosity that would scare him to death - rather than a simple ball.

DS just looks massively pissed off when anyone comes near him with anything wrapped up now. And I’m like “oooooo look at THIS!!!!”

I think there's a balance.

I look at my relative and realise she's expressing her Christmas her way. If we can make some allowance for that and for her happiness when she gives the present I think that's a kindness.

We're there's capacity for tolerance that is valuable. In both directions

😂Aww.

No, I'm not trying to say you should teach your son that overspending and consumerism is brilliant! Of course not.

Just that saying thank you for A present is the thing to do, socially. it'll stand him in good stead for life in a NT world.

Manage relative's expectations when you see them: I would say "toddler was a bit overwhelmed yesterday, I don't think he'll be up to opening all the presents at once - we'll just get him to open one. Which one are you most excited to see him open?" and have him open that one and say Ta. Then let him do his own thing and have a mince pie, distract the relative 😄

Our 18 yo DS has taught us over the years how to give him gifts. He is Autistic, and although very polite (if a little formal). He is completely incapable of the polite duplicity required when receiving unwanted presents. He finds new things very hard, so a present is a troubling concept, what is in the wrapping paper (uncertainty), oh a new jumper (will it have scratchy tags? Will it be tight around my wrists?), Why have I got a new jumper? I am happy with my comfortable and familiar ones ... And so on. You get the picture. He has actually cried at Christmas when well into his teens when given the "wrong" gift. Not because he is a spoiled brat. His gift lists are always short and include "seeing Grandparents" as an item on the list.

He works hard and is always trying to be helpful, we do not expect him to change his personality on Christmas or on his birthday so we respect his wishes and get him what he wants. If he needs a new item we try to replace like with like, which he is better at dealing with.

Op you are absolutely not being unreasonable about this issue.

@category12

sorry - I am being very grinchy!

yes - and I do think I will make a point tomorrow about DS being overwhelmed. I just can’t face another 40 presents.

Not at all, I feel for you x

40+ presents that's insane! Are they small / inexpensive stocking filler items or are we talking bigger and more expensive things? I'm assuming the giver is quite well off? I can't get my head round buying that many gifts!

My dd has ASD but she's older (12) and masks so it's a bit different. She just smiles and says thank you if it's not something she expected or asked for, and what more should they do?! People shouldn't expect an all singing and dancing show from a child unwrapping a gift! Due to her ASD she's very specific about the exact items she'd like as presents, she has a wish list and then when family ask what she'd like for Christmas we tell them exactly what she's asked for from her list, or send a link to it etc. When she was 3 I remember her enjoying ripping off wrapping paper more than anything else!

Don't let people project their expectations on to you for how they think your child "should" be op, you're doing everything right and if they can't take the hint or stick to something specific then that's their problem imo! There's only so many times you can say please don't get much, or name one specific item your ds would like. If they ignore what you say that's up to them and you don't owe them anything. I agree though it's so tone deaf when so many people are struggling financially and seems so wasteful. I'd have no problem if the giver kept ignoring me in giving the unwanted gifts to charities, and they can benefit. Hopefully things would go to children who have very little or nothing, we have several charities collecting for children in Ukraine round here at the moment.

It sounds a bit silly but I'm already stressing about the fact I haven't sent thank you WhatsApp with my little ones holding their gifts (becuase they haven't opened them all yet). I'm sure the givers, gave with an open heart and haven't given it a second thought but I feel guilty they didn't get messages on Xmas day of my kids beaming smiles holding their gift. We always make and send homemade thank you cards but in this age of social media and instant gratification I have visions of them sitting there peeved off!

From the age of about 3 I spent all my xmas's in my dad's home country and it's nothing like how it is here. I'd often get a small token from my parents to open(sometimes not). My uncle, bless him would always gift something really thoughtful and I'd always treasure it - but there was no piles under the tree... In fact for many years, there was no tree! It was a poor country and seeing kids my own age without basics like decent shoes used to haunt me. My mum would pack a suitcase full of gifts for the local kids there and I'd love seeing their faces - things kids here would roll their eyes at. When I was a little older I understood my parents spent a lot on air fares/hotels so wouldn't dare ask for anything. Mum dug out all my letters to Santa recently and it was always for things like 'can my sister stop teasing me' or 'can we please have snow this year' (it never dropped below 30 degrees there!).

I don't want to be the person who says 'no gifts' either. It shouldn't be my choice if people give or not - giving is half the fun. However, I just don't know how to strike a balance yet.