DH is so miserable I am not sure what to do.

[Unsurewhattodo1995]

i am genuinely at a loss. I think DH is suffering from clinical depression, and has done for a while. I’ve tried to encourage him to go to therapy etc but he just gets really upset and/or angry when I suggest that.
He always sees the negative in everything. This Christmas was shite apparently (it was fine) and apparently dc1 was badly behaved (he wasn’t, he had one small tantrum at one point, he’s only 4). I realised the other day that I don’t think there has been a day recently where DH hasn’t got cross or frustrated with me about something. He says he feels like a failure, that he doesn’t earn enough money, that he’s lonely, that life is a relentless monotony, that he feels guilty all the time.
I am beginning to get so sad myself. I just don’t know what to do. I walk on egg shells at the moment.

You tell him to see the GP and be honest with how he is feeling, or he moves out as his behaviour is negatively affecting the family.
I say this as someone who was in this very position. One day I’d had enough so I googled the depression test, put it in his hand and told him to take it. He did and then said he’d see the GP.

This

and look after yourself, even if you feel you are being selfish. You can’t have the energy to look after your family unless you are taking time for yourself, there’s only so much you can do for him, you can’t fixit.

I talked to a counsellor when husband going through the same and she said I had to imagine myself wrapped in bubble wrap.

Make sure you have support for yourself too, not easy on you either 💐

Make him see somebody or leave . It will affect your own mental health. I say this as someone who spent years trying to “help” a partner with depression. The atmosphere and his dad’s negativity and constant criticism affected our teenage son who has taken a few years to get over it .

One of the problems with depression is that people with it often can’t perceive that they are unwell. Agree with PPs that you need to keep pushing him to get help and that you need to take time for self-care too.

This sounds really tough, op. Would he go to the gP, do you think?

Is he still going to work?

How is it affecting DC?

I'm going through similar with DH. In our case he did at last say 3 months ago that he was depressed and is on now on medication and started therapy.
There's no change yet apart from now sleeping well and coping much better since he's gone back to work. That's until last week when I realised he's slipping back into working obsessively after initially following the therapist's advice.
I have bipolar disorder so I'm no stranger to depression but I'm not comfortable with the way DH is speaking to me and the constant nit picking and moodiness. Christmas was hard work for me and I've been extremely tolerant.
There was eye rolling and sneering from him.
I intend to pull him up big time tomorrow which I'm dreading but I'm reminding myself that I deserve respect.
Really I just wanted to offer solidarity OP.
I'm more than willing to be supportive and I expect him to be a bit all over the place if he's unwell. But what I don't expect is disrespect and unkindness.
You don't deserve it either. I do sympathise with the walking on eggshells. It's not right.

@KangarooKenny has it exactly right. Remind him that he would seek treatment for a sore back, broken leg, cancer or any other physical illness. Would he be more accepting of medication rather than therapy as a first step??

If he still won’t do it then I would leave. Growing up in this atmosphere is terrible for your DC. You need to put them first.
If DH does start taking steps to get better, support him but also take care of yourself. You can support him with nourishing meals, time outside as a family and exercising together. But remember your mental health is also important. Best wishes

Worth remembering too that depression is not an excuse for unkindness.

I've been through same. It was so hard watching dh struggle and he would take it out on me n kids. He seemed to think he had felt that way since he was a child so nothing could change it. In the end I told him I thought it might split us up. He went to gp and was told it was depression/stress . He did an 8 week course on managing stress and started exercising. It has helped but lately I've noticed he's struggling again. I've told him if he's not feeling better he needs to go gp in January.

Controversial opinion and

Sorry posted too soon
I am probably not as caring as everyone here but it sounds to me like he wants you to break up with him and quite frankly I'd give him his wish.
I wouldn't have my 4 year old growing up walking on eggshells

Is he unhappy at work? Is the thought of going back to work after Xmas making him miserable? Is he spending too much time on social media? Is he comparing himself to someone unreasonably? Is he in debt and hasn't told you?

If he can't tell you the real root of the problem, I think he needs to see his GP too. It will be affecting your child.

Agree with pp depression is no excuse for nastiness.

My ex suffered with depression for many years. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to make him happy, despite the fact he'd do little to help himself. It destroyed me - years and years of walking on eggshells. In the end he decided it was me making him depressed and he left to be with another woman who would make him happy. From what I hear, that plan hasn't worked. My own life is much lighter now.

OP I sympathise. DP is long term on antidepressants and doesn't really talk about it. They no longer seem to be doing anything though, and I'm fairly sure his behaviour is making me depressed in turn.

He's been unwell as well and spent all of Christmas Eve and most of the time except Christmas Day in bed, ignoring DCs and whinging about needing rest. Meanwhile I'm carrying the load of everything else, on eggshells and keeping the Christmas vibes going for DCs.

I know he's not well, mentally and (a bit) physically but what pp said about not being unkind with it really resonates. That he would put his woe is me act before even smiling at DCs on Christmas Eve makes me so sad and resentful.

Thank you so much everyone for your texts and advice. I think that I’ve been trying to ‘fix’ him and I’ve just got to accept that I can’t.
Its been up and down since I posted. He was in tears yesterday morning but seemed a bit happier in the evening. He’s finding having two small children very hard work (who doesn’t!) but he’s a great father to them.
He has just got into such a negative frame of mind. We’re invited to a friends house for lunch in a couple of days and I was really looking forward to it but he says things like he doesn’t want to go, they’re all going to be thinking how poor he is. He’s a teacher in a leadership role at a big school - so he earns ok, not amazing obviously but not bad. Also I tried to point out that it’s a bit mean to think that our friends would ever think that about him, but he just can’t see it.
its like he’s got these depressive glasses on that puts everything in the worst light.
I am beginning to get so fed up with how this is affecting me. Christmas was rubbish, purely because of how miserable he was.

Ultimatum time. He either gets help immediately or he has to go.

Depression I have a lot of sympathy for. Depression and refusing to seek help while it affects your loved ones is not acceptable.

Does he accept he has depression? I think the NHS website has an online test he could do.

You can lay out different options for him (medication, therapist, online CBT, books on depression) but ultimately if he picks none of the above, he is choosing to continue making your lives worse.

@MMMarmite i have a lot of sympathy for depression too, but I feel it has poisoned him somehow and he won’t seek help. He gets very angry or upset whenever I suggest he gets help. I am at a loss.

I guess your only option is to keep pushing, despite the anger and upset. He perhaps feels very ashamed and avoidant. But if you allow him to pull you into that avoidance, you'll all stay stuck. Time for some tough love in my view.

I'm so sorry for your horrible position but everything you are saying about him rings true to bipolar disorder just as much as depression. So many people are talking about depressed spouses and so so many GPs get it wrong. Even a proper shrink can take ages deciding. Maybe (if I may) get him to do a couple of these tests : Test 1
https://www.additudemag.com/screener-bipolar-disorder-symptoms-test-adults/ Test 2
https://www.talkspace.com/assessments/bipolar-disorder-test and watch this : How does it feel: