Fighting cancer and it feels like my marriage is falling apart

[Pleasehelpnow]

Anyone up? I am so gutted and confused and don't know what to do.

I'm currently undergoing chemo and will have other treatments so it is quite a long treatment plan. There's a question mark over the stage of my cancer. Could be good news, could be bad. We have a six year old daughter and I have a teenager from a previous relationship, who has known my husband as a stepdad from a very young age. My husband is not really coping. There have been ongoing issues with me feeling as though I carry our relationship and put all the effort in emotionally and mentally. I don't think it's intentional. He is a poor communicator and I am the coper and the fixer. I don't know if I'm expecting too much but me getting ill was pretty much the nightmare scenario for our relationship. I would find him being ill really difficult, but I would talk to people and find ways to cope. He will not and i don't know how he expects anything to get better when he won't change anything about his approach.

He basically has no coping mechanisms outside of me. He's often been in a foul mood, stubborn, bad tempered... taking things out on all of us. He would say that he's not doing that because it's not overt but there is regularly an atmosphere. I don't want to worry about an atmosphere when I'm ill. He's looking after me but one morning last week he snapped at me for saying his name to ask for a glass of water. I was really shocked by that. He is so uptight and tightly wound all the time. He won't talk to anybody or do anything to try to cope with things better. Has very few friends and the few he does have he won't speak to or meet. He is ignoring most people. I keep suggesting things he could do, people he could talk to, trying to arrange a time my parents can look after me so he can get out for a bit but I don't think that's my responsibility right now. I can't believe I'm having to spend my time in bed with chemo effects trying to solve his issues. Of course, he's not always like this and is also looking after me.

This has just so seriously magnified everything. Last night there was an incident with my teenager. I am just feeling more and more like he is petty, childish and passive aggressive and taking it out on my son. The teenager was initially being quite stroppy, but my husband's responses were like listening to another teenager. I expect it from a teenager, not a grown man. He then said "he's being a right prick, isn't he" to me, loudly enough that he was meant to hear. In front of my family. My son was being pretty stroppy and teenage, but that was out of order. There were a couple of other things not strictly related to my husband but I'd say my husband was generally being an arsehole and not behaving like an adult. It culminated in my son leaving the house to go to another grandparents house in a strop. He was starting to get wound up and lose his temper and I didn't think going to his other grandparents house was a bad idea to cool down. My husband said 'good', like a child. I have cancer for fucks sake. My son is dealing with his mother having cancer, and this is the level of maturity my husband displays?

My son came home to talk to me and, honestly, showed more emotional maturity and insight than my husband is even capable of. He raised a few things, explained that some of his behaviour wasn't ok, told me what was driving some of it, explained his strategies for dealing with things and raised some points about my husbands behaviour which I have also thought and agreed with. Things like him being strangely competitive and taking jokes seriously, as though he's trying to 'win' all the time over stupid stuff like my son joking around that he'd beat him in a computer game. I've been telling myself that I'm imagining it and it's just a joke, but I don't think it is and clearly my son is picking up on that too. I was really proud of my son for the way he behaved during our conversation last night. Then I walked into the living room and my husband said "let me guess, it's all everyone else's fault" in a petty, childish manner. I just walked out of the room.

How the fuck is this happening? I need to have a conversation with my husband but he deals with it very badly and often doesn't even respond. He struggles to make eye contact with me and sits there in silence while I wait for a response. Honestly, his behaviour yesterday was so disgusting to me that if I wasn't ill, I'd think the best course of action was to leave my husband for my son's benefit. How can I do that when i am physically incapable of looking after the children by myself and reliant on him? My mum suggested relationship counselling. That just sounds crazy when I have an illness I don't even know if I'm going to survive. I have already had to have some serious 'chats' with him this week about his behaviour and how it is affecting me, am I now supposed to turn around and say 'thanks for looking after me, and please continue to do so, but now here is this whole other raft of issues I'm not happy with which boil down to you not being emotionally mature enough to deal with a teenager and behaving in a petty and childish manner'. That's not even a relationship issue, they're just traits I don't like.

He never used to be this way, I just don't know what has happened. I am so ill and so scared and angry I'm even in this position right now. Please be gentle, it feels like my whole world is falling apart.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
You say he never used to be this way but also say you've always carried the load emotionally- I wonder if he hasn't changed but his coping method (having you sort it) has.

I would write him a letter about how you feel if youre physically able. He's clearly not able to do this in a discussion. Can you parents offer more support? For either you or the children?

Assuming you have one currently, why don't you talk to your Macmillan Nurse? They deal holistically with the family, and I'm sure they would have heard similar stories in the past, and could offer some words of advice.

Wishing you all the best with the cancer treatment...I've been through this recently myself so can empathise with you. Chemo is like hell on Earth, but you will get through this because you are so much stronger than you think.

Have you talked to the Macmillan helpline? I have found them invaluable.

Can you focus on yourself and getting support eg from your parents because you want and need it?

Can you write a card to your teenager say you really appreciate their maturity and ability to seek help eg from grandparents when they need it?

May I suggest you take some time to think about where you want to focus your limited energy ie health, coping with treatment, children, marriage, parents, friends, spiritual community?

Faced with serious illness people often react in unexpected ways - better or worse.

In the past what has been of most help to you when facing a tough time? Therapy, prayer, laughter, books?

Hugs to you 🫂

OP I'm sorry this is your home life when you've got ongoing cancer treatment. It's grossly unfair and absolutely not helpful.

My STBX behaves like your DH all the time (hence STBX). The continual, ongoing stress of it - of having to deal with the children's upset with him as well as my upset with his behaviour and trying to find ways to interact that will may work on top of every day things - has made me ill.

Please talk you your MacMillan nurse about what is going on at home - just give her your OP to read. It's very important you get any and all help available to alleviate the stress in any way possible.

And being blunt, like a pp said, you need to focus on yourself. You need to do it as of now and do not feel a shred of guilt. He is prioritising his lack of wanting to get any form of help to deal with whatever he's going through, above your well being, and the kids'. It's incredibly emotionally selfish. You cannot waste energy now appeasing him.

Who are the people in your life you can lean on? Lean more. Maybe show your mum your post so she knows what's going on - people don't always see what's happening, especially if he's usually helpful in physical ways.

What are you able to do (have/make/think/see etc) that makes you happy? Do (have/make etc) more of it - without him. If it's hard to figure out how to then ask someone else for help. Do not feel like you have to include him or worry about his feelings in this. You really don't right now.

I would suggest maximising the time you can spend with your kids alone too. Maybe that's just five minutes lying next to you in bed with the bedroom door closed, if you're having a hard day, it's not about big gestures. Maybe that suggestion doesn't work for you, but whatever does! The idea is that it will calm yours and their nervous systems, which helps each of you.

Do not feel either that by letting people know that he is adding stress right now that you're being disloyal. You need people who can help around you, and it's not only about physical things.

You need to ruthlessly put yourself front and centre right now because he isn't. And I'm not adding your kids in there because it's clear from your OP that you have a very good relationship with them and you're not about to start ignoring them if you focus on your needs, because they're healthily intertwined.

Just to reiterate the others advising , talk to Macmillan.

Unfortunately some people can't deal with their partners cancer; they just go into shut down/denial mode and I've encountered your scenario twice in our own immediate family, from MIL and my stepfather (K and H)

K and H were both 50 ish, healthy and strong, no money worries; they both just pointblank and almost instantly, abdicated all responsibility , all physical care and emotional support to FIL and Mum, their spouses with cancer. It was a heartless, total withdrawal, and I'm sorry to say, neither of them relented one inch. If anything, they only became more alien and withdrawn.

Both FIL and Mother were desperate to stay at home. For that to happen , the only solution was for them to be cared for by other relatives. FIL in his own home (by me); Mother had to move to her sisters home and I moved in with them.

I am very sorry to lay this on you, but you may have to consider some alternative care arrangement for yourself and DD; and if so, I suggest you set it in motion ASAP. Find which relatives will help.
Because (in my experiences) the heartless spouses wouldn't even do that.

I'm so sorry.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer

Thank everyone. I hadn't thought about my Macmillan nurse, I think I do have one, I've only phoned her about my worries and test results and specifically cancer related things. I just wish there was some magic wand I could wave.

I feel like the world's shittest mum. Yes, other people know he is not coping. My parents have witnessed his attitude and behaviour and I can tell they are annoyed about it but don't want to make things worse for me by reacting to it. And they do understand that he is very stressed and struggling. I'm already leaning on them a lot. They regularly have the kids, cook meals, come and look after me when my husband is at work. I can call them any time of the day or night. I'm pretty young to have cancer and they were young parents so They're able to provide lots of support. They're absolutely fantastic. My dad keeps offering things for my husband to get him out of the house but he never agrees to any of it. I've also spoken to my husband's brother and his wife and laid out just how badly he is coping. I haven't mentioned anything specifically to do with how he is treating my teenager but his brother would be very shocked and unhappy. His brother is lovely but also not great at emotional stuff and would struggle to directly confront him or raise these issues. He tells me he has called and texted but he's not replying. He's tried to get him out of the house a few times but he just ignores him.

I am very unhappy with the way he is behaving towards my son. I think he has contempt for him and there is no coming back from that. He seems to actively look for things to get funny with him over and pick at him. I can't tell somebody not to have contempt for my son, that isn't something that should need explaining. I don't know if my expectations are all off kilter. I sometimes lose my temper and get annoyed at him because he's a teenager pushing my buttons, but it seems different when my husband does it. I don't know if I'm being a hypocrite in saying that? I don't generally lose my temper with him or get annoyed at him. I feel sorry for him and understand he's a kid going through something really horrible and it's my job as his parent to shield him from the worst of it. On top of this, his dad is a waste of space who constantly lets him down and upsets him. And he has a medical condition which means that he's physically a few years behind other kids so he's only really hitting puberty now. There's been a lot of teenage behaviour and some real selfishness which is difficult to deal with at times with everything going on. But he is a kid. I think it's to be expected. My husband seems to think he is an exceptionally selfish kid and it's just that he's awful. He seems pretty standard to me and my husband seems to have no memory or knowledge of how teenagers can behave. Also, my husband is an adult and I expect him to respond like an adult. His responses are all about losing his temper and winning an argument. He inflames the situation rather than calming things like i try to. If I'm honest, it's not the first time I've raised issues with my eldest. Even before I had cancer. I remember once telling him I feel as though he dislikes him. He always assures me it's not true and says the right things and things seem to change for a while. I just never thought he would behave like this. But I feel on edge when they're having a conversation in a room I'm not in in case things are kicking off and that's not normal. I shouldn't have to worry about that. I mean, some of the stuff is just his teenage point of view which is incorrect. He's adamant that he always gets told off more than his sibling and blamed for everything. If anything, it's usually the other way round as the younger one can be quite a handful. And my husband gets frustrated with me because I'm basically telling him I don't ever like him disciplining my son or getting involved when I've been happy for him to raise him and financially provide for him all these years and he says he can't win. I don't know how much truth there is to that, but I wouldn't have a problem with my husband doing any of that if he was doing it maturely and reasonably. I can't trust him to do that.

I told my son i would have a discussion with his stepdad and I still haven't done it. I don't even know where to start.

Thankfully, I seem to be tolerating the treatment better this time so I am a bit less dependent on him. I was hospitalised last time. My son moved in with my parents while I wasn't there. That upset me. I don't have a problem with him doing that but he clearly felt uncomfortable without me. I spoke to my husband about it and said if that's what he feels more comfortable with them I'm happy for that to happen. He agreed and said "yeah it makes my life easier if he's not around". So he agreed with me but for a completely different reason, as though my son is a burden. I was more concerned with making sure my son felt ok while I was ill. I suppose it's true that one child is easier to look after that one, but it just seemed to have an edge of disliking my son to it. I felt uncomfortable with the way he said it. I'm getting so bogged down in it all, I don't know what's reasonable and whats not anymore.

Sorry, I hadn't seen those last two replies. The article is interesting and some parts of it resonated but it's not really what's happening here. I am the breadwinner and he only works part time. He does almost all of the housework and school runs etc so nothing has really changed there. He's definitely physically looking after me and doing everything around the house. He drives me to all of my appointments and helps me with practical things. It's more the emotional side of it all. But then i would also say that I have felt uncomfortable with his attitude and it is pushing me to do things I otherwise might not. It's hard when I can hear him slamming things around downstairs and shouting "for god's sake" every five minutes. He has no patience and is constantly reacting to minor things. I got a chair and did a little bit of washing up yesterday. I partly did do it because I felt like I wanted to do something positive and feel useful but I must admit a part of me felt guilty that he's under so much stress and I wanted to prove that I'm not just taking all the time. He came home and found me doing it and tried to take over, told me to sit abd relax etc so he's not all bad! I'm obviously only talking about the bad. If anything, I'm the messy one and he is uptight about the house. I feel like that's not a priority right now and he needs to stop overreacting. But I know he feels physically stressed by mess and disorder.

Maybe he needs some mental health support? Perhaps he needs to talk to a counsellor/supportgroup.

He sounds angry, which may be an externalisation of pain/fear, but he need to stop taking it out on you.

I hadn't really clicked on to the stuff about your son on first reading, but actually it makes me sad and angry on your son's behalf that he's living with a man who doesn't really like him.

That your husband says the right things when challenged but backslides again isn't great.

If you were well, I would be advising you to choose your son and get rid of the husband. So I guess my advice is the same despite the cancer.

Yes, I can't always tell if i'm overthinking or reading too much into things. I am guilty of analysing things too much at times. I don't really think it's anything to do with my son specifically, more a complete lack of understanding of how to deal with anything difficult. And obviously, a teenager is more difficult than a younger child and more likely to answer back. He's snappy and bad tempered with our son at times too and I can see him behaving in the same way when he is a teenager. I think he'll be harder work than the current one.

It's just his moods and grumpiness all the time. He's so ready to get angry at the drop of a hat. I still haven't managed to talk to him, he seems fine with my teenager right now because nothings gone wrong. They've just had a chat about a game and he's taken him a coffee upstairs. But he's also doing some stressed tidying. There's growling, huffing, sighing, banging, constant little outbursts of "for god's sake" and i can't ever relax because he creates an atmosphere which makes me feel so on edge. The house is a bit of a tip after Christmas, but there's more to it than that. I've had to ask what is wrong and he didn't say it in words, but he's basically angry at my parents and thinks that they have bought the kids too much and there is too much stuff in the house. He wouldn't actually communicate that to me in a mature way or tell me what he thinks we should do though. I have to figure it out from his behaviour. Is that even a big issue in our lives right now? Every Christmas he does this. I've talked to him a million times, asked my parents to buy fewer presents, come up with solutions for him but it's still never enough. He even begrudges having the decorations up because it's stressful for him. I was really worried that I was giving the kids a shit Christmas while I was ill and kept asking him to get the tree down. He eventually did but then just sat there watching me struggle to fan out all the leaves and everything. I eventually said "this would go a lot quicker if you helped me" and he said "I'm sure it would" and just sat there. It was the day I'd come out of hospital after having sepsis and i was exhausted. I've just mentioned that to him and said that was cruel. He disagreed but had no other comment to make. How can he think this is an acceptable way to run a relationship?

It's really easy to tell me to leave but I don't even know if I'm going to die right now. What about the house? What about money? The kids? The car? Everything about our lives is intertwined and I am physically incapable of being alone at times right now.

Yes, sorry. x

Maybe have a serious chat with him at a calm time about his angry man behaviours and how they affect everyone in the household and see if he would consider getting therapy to address it?

Is his dad like this? Maybe if he's recreating his own childhood for his own and your dc, he might realise how it important it is to stop?

I don't think him saying he'll try harder would be good enough, will-power isn't enough with deeply engrained patterns.

No, I misremembered. The Christmas tree incident wasn't the day i came out of hospital, it was a week later. So I was quite weak still but more capable of doing things. Making that sound much worse than it was.

I don't know where to go from here. He has zero coping mechanisms the second anything goes wrong. He can't cope with even minor problems and this is a pretty major one. He just avoids things and hopes they will go away. If he's ever had an issue in our relationship, he just acts grumpy with me, then denies that hes doing it for a while before I figure out what the issue could be and try to talk to him with some solutions in mind. Why should I have to work that hard? If I have an issue I raise it with him and figure out that we can talk and solve it. I feel in bloody despair over it all. I've tried to have a minor chat with him about the stomping around the house and angry tidying and he just doesn't say much and then walks out of the room when I didn't think the conversation was over. I just asked if he wants to go out of the house somewhere for a bit. It is really obvious I'm unhappy and want to talk since there was no resolution and never is unless I come up with one. He said no and then nothing else. If I didn't push for us to talk about things, I don't think he would ever have discussed a single relationship issue with me. He just acts childish for a while, then sweeps it under the rug and pretends it didn't happen until the next time. It's been a recurring problem in our relationship but is much more of a problem right now. Every little problem has been magnified. I can't run a relationship all by myself. I can't force him to get help or take up a hobby or get some kind of outlet. Any one of those things are things I think would drastically improve many areas of our life by lifting him out of his moodiness but I can't make him do it and I'm sick of asking and looking up groups he could join. I discussed the idea of relationship counselling with him before I knew I had cancer because he'd done something which really upset me and yet again, I was the one looking for solutions. He laughed and said "I can barely talk to you, as if I'm going to talk to a stranger". That seems selfish to me. Nobody wants to do it but if it's a choice between that and your spouse being unhappy, you'd give it a go, wouldn't you?

I'm overthinking everything right now. I've got nothing but time to lie around dwelling and feeling down. I can't even sift out the big problems from the small ones anymore, my brain is getting all muddled.

If you were on your own, would family step in and help you more? Would you be eligible for support from carers?

I don't know what would be best in these circumstances - it's pretty tough to contemplate a split when in good health, so must be overwhelming in your position. But it doesn't sound like he's actually making things easier for you with his presence.

A week after sepsis doesn't make it sound much better, tbh.

Sorry I'm not able to say anything much helpful, I wish I could. x

You're right, i don't think it's enough either because none of this is stuff I haven't already raised with him at some point in the past. It all just feels much worse now. I don't really understand what his childhood was like. He is very angry at his dad and doesn't talk to him. I think he was quite a hands on dad when he was young but emotionally unavailable. We rarely see him and my husband would like to stop seeing him altogether but wont make it happen or communicate it to him. I think he'd like me to sort it for him. His parents split up when he was a teenager and his dad very quickly moved in an absolutely awful woman who immediately bullied him and his brother out of their home. They left pretty quickly and he never stood up for them or even expressed any unhappiness at her behaviour. It is bizarre. To be quite honest, his dad has many very obvious traits associated with autism. And my husband shares some of those. I don't really understand my father in law, I've never seen him express an emotion and he only seems to have relationships at surface level. Its all just small talk and passive aggression.

My mother in law was lovely but sadly died when I was pregnant with our youngest child. My husband changed when she died. He would sometimes talk to her about things and now there's nobody except me. I looked after her during her illness and it was traumatic. But I never let her see how stressed I was or how much I was struggling with things. I would never have acted moody and angry around her.

Their family are not good at being direct or communicating things. Things were typically swept under the rug. Something really big/awful happened when his parents split up and it was just sort of glossed over.

I think part of his difficulty in dealing with a teenager is that he wasn't your average one and has no understanding that he was the exception rather than the rule. He was incredibly clean and tidy, cooked meals for his family, never really gave any backchat and didn't seek much emotional support from them, or anyone for that matter. I would describe him as self sufficient from a young age.

OP the more you write about him, the more he sounds like my STBX.

Going on the basis that you can't change your relationship right now, please stop thinking about him.

You're absolutely wasting your energy thinking about him, going in circles about why or how he can do X or think Y, because it's not going to make a jot of difference. You're not going to change him. If he was different you'd have already had some influence and this wouldn't be happening.

But you really need to focus on anything and everything that is not stressful. I wish I could give suggestions but I don't know the details of how you feel, or energy levels, or where you're able/not able to go. If something makes you feel good, think about it instead. It's not cosmic woo and it's not about healing the cancer (in case that's not clear). It's because even when we're healthy, the level of stress you have at home is enough to make us ill. And as you're already very ill, you don't need anything else on top of it.

You could try to retrain your brain: every time you start thinking about him, tell yourself to stop. Have a go-to mental list of better things to think about (basically anything other than the war in Ukraine and the economy!) and then when you find yourself turning him over in your mind, switch to that list. Don't go around in circles about him, like you are on these posts (not at all a criticism, it's exactly how I thought for years).

Also, please don't be feeling bad because he's doing household tasks. Yes, it's tiring, but you're not faking being ill. You are in a life or death sort of situation here. Look at it this way: if he was crap at the household tasks, it would be possible to get a cleaner, ask your mum to help out more etc. Anybody can wash dishes, put on a wash. But even with all the money in the world, there's nobody you can pay to give you and your children at-home emotional support. It's really the only job he needs to do and he's massively letting you down. I'd actually go as far as to say he's working against you in this too. So don't feel bad at all! It would be far better to have dirty dishes in the sink and your DS feeling welcome and you feeling emotionally cared for than the current situation.

Right now I think your mums idea of relationship counselling is good
you need help and it’s a very VERY fraught situation

and he needs to man up and talk it out

when you god willing come through your chemo maybe a re assess needed

but a 3rd party could help
xxxxx