Too exhausted and numb

[CowardlyVent]

Life is hard and my DH has checked out mentally and physically.

I didn't get as much as a card from him.

He was stomping about on Christmas morning yelling at the kids as I was trying to prepare the food, set the table etc, whilst clearing the debris from the mornings chaos of the kids unwrapping presents etc. He was looking for a fight, calling me a lazy bitch....He hadn't lifted a finger towards Christmas or the house in weeks. He announced he was depressed, and didnt want to socialise and flounced off to bed leaving me to deal with everything....knowing full well we had over a dozen family and friends coming for dinner!

We have 3 dc all with ASD and ADHD, but in main stream school with support, so whilst not in need of the highest levels of extra support, more demanding than most primary school kids.

He has stayed in bed since then. 2 whole days My sister graciously took him up a Christmas dinner and dessert, assuming he was sick. The rest of our family and friends had a lovely time and I soldiered through.

Today I've taken the DC to see family, cleaned up from yesterday etc and he's still hasn't left the room.

This is symptomatic of a larger problem.

I can't afford financially to split up. I'm a mature Uni student, as I was made redundant, and it was better for me to retrain, meaning no childcare in the holidays, which is nearly impossible to find for kids with additional needs.

If we split I'll throw away 2 years of study, as I won't be able to support the dc on a students income.

We'd have to sell the house which would be traumatic for the dc because ASD means they deal with change badly.

So here I sit, eating a cheese board alone on Boxing day night wondering what the fuck do I do?

I didn’t want to read and run, this sounds incredibly difficult, frustrating and lonely. What will you do once you’ve finished your degree? Are you going in to a line of work where you’ll earn more money? If so, I’d say sit it out and leave once you’re financially better off. Life’s too short for this crap x

I am very sorry. Your Christmas (and I bet it’s not just Christmas) sounds shit. Something certainly needs to change. Do you think your husband has ADHD/ASD too?
I think you would find life much easier with the grown up child out of the picture.

He is just a grumpy arsehole. No additional needs. I'm undiagnosed but clearly have ADHD traits which can add to his frustration.

We've been together over 20 years.

I will be in a much stronger position once I've qualified, the DC will be older etc.

It's just a self pitying vent really.

We'd have to sell the house which would be traumatic for the dc because ASD means they deal with change badly.

Surely him stomping around shouting and behaving so nastily is far more traumatic for them?

If your degree directly leads to a career then I can see the reasoning for sticking with it however if you put it on hold you won't have wasted the time you have put in as you should still get the credits and would get some sort of qualification.

Are you in your final year of your degree? That means you'll be done by June, as rubbish as it is, use that time to plan. Secure yourself a job upon graduation and work towards being able to post about your lovely, non-conflict, quiet Christmas this time next year.

If you're in your second year and have another 18months to go, the same principle applies. Start making plans and do some research into your entitlements as a single parent. As a student you'll be entitled to grants, including childcare and there is a strong possibility you'll also qualify for UC.

Leaving is a terrifying prospect, but your life will be so much easier. You may have a year or so of things being tight financially but once you've graduated you'll hopefully find a job which offers you some security and more financial freedom.

Thank you. I know I need to plan.

It's been a long slow death in our relationship, but I've ignored it.

I will use the time I have left to plan and get things organised. I haven't the energy for a fight.