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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Difficult behaviour by boyfriend

12 replies

CrazyGolfee · 27/12/2022 00:33

I've been with boyfriend a couple of years, we live apart as both divorced with kids, separate households. He's shown some difficult behaviour recently, such as:

-I admired an Xmas light kit a few times, thought about it but concluded it was too expensive. He loved it too, bought it despite me saying i didnt have the money (£300) and set-up at my house (he enjoyed the set-up). I felt embarrassed, like I owed him money, he didn't explicitly ask for money but would've accepted I think (I didn't pay him though, as I didn't bloody choose to buy this item). It all made me feel uncomfortable.

-He stays two or three days sometimes, helps with some DIY but I have increased bills, feed him etc. I've suggested some shorter stays but he's quite insistent on coming. I find this quite stressful, as all I'm asking for is some space (eg I tell him I need to work, can he come a day later, he objects and justifies coming earlier saying he will come and be quiet so I can work). Despite asking him several times, he ignores what I ask and will turn up anyway.

-Yesterday my friend was coming over. I asked him if he could let us use the living room for a catch-up, told him the time the day before so he could move to the kitchen or go for a cycle. It was no surprise when we went to use the room but he was really 'busy' on a call to his kids and didnt want to move, so we had to use the breakfast bar in the kitchen whilst he used my living room.

I feel quite stressed that he keeps behaving this way. It's not that I'm not clear, he just seems to disregard my requests. I'm currently worried that he's going to turn up early when he knows I've said I'm busy with friends over on Wednesday. He knows the access code and has a key.

OP posts:
ShornTheSheeep · 27/12/2022 00:35

Dump him and change your access code.

What other advice is there? You're clearly done with this relationship and with good reason I'd say

MadMadMadamMim · 27/12/2022 00:49

Change the access code. If he turns up early, despite being told not to, don't answer the door - put the chain on if you have one.

Text him later to say "Did you turn up here today, despite being told not to? You do not appear to have any respect for my boundaries - which were amply clear. I would like my key back please as the relationship is over as far as I am concerned. I cannot be with someone who bulldozers over my boundaries like you do."

category12 · 27/12/2022 01:13

You need to dump him. He basically has no respect for you, your no, your work or your home.

It's your living room and you're asking his permission to use it, and then end up not being able to?! I mean, that's barmy. He's dominating your space, your time and running roughshod over you.

Tell him you're through. Change the access code and change your lock.

HappyBunnyNow · 23/04/2023 06:51

Agree with other replies this is worrying, he seems to be trying to condition you to accepting having your feelings dismissed and your boundaries trampled on. He is not treating you with respect so I don't think this man is a good investment. If he gets nasty when you tell him this is not working for you then you'll have even more proof. Wishing you all the best.

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 23/04/2023 06:57

He's riding roughshod over your boundaries OP. This will only get worse. He's seeing what he can get away with and will push more. If I was you I'd call time on the relationship.

If it's not a communal access code then change it. Change your locks too as I wouldn't trust him to have not made a copy of your key.

Rainbowqueeen · 23/04/2023 07:15

I’d also end it. His behaviour is rude

He clearly has no respect for you.

kweeble · 23/04/2023 07:56

Do what you can to get your key back and end it - he’s doing this on purpose - he’s not a keeper.

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 23/04/2023 07:59

Listen to your anxieties about this. He doesn’t respect boundaries. You can’t have a healthy and happy relationship with someone who won’t respect your boundaries.

Stratocumulus · 23/04/2023 08:05

Everything you are being told here is absolutely right.
My DP and I have been together donkeys years but have never lived together. I totally respect his home which is his space and he respects mine. We stay together sometimes for a few weeks at his of mine but we never assume we can take over “spaces” within one another’s home without collaboration or respect.

I think you need to seriously take a step back from this man. The writing’s on the wall. Read it.

Goodread1 · 23/04/2023 08:09

I agree with all the ubove posters @CrazyGolfee

He is encroaching being increasingly blantenly Aggressively Transgress your personal boundaries all the time, !

I don't like the sound of this guy at all

He is No good for you whatsoever

It just will get worse

Be careful
I think this type of individual could have definitely thought of cloning the key 🔑 you lent him before,

Be savvy wise by changing the 🔐 locks

If he turns Aggressive get in touch with police

Goodread1 · 23/04/2023 08:11

I agree it's like he is trying to train you to tolerate unacceptable behaviour

He is not even friendship material let alone boyfriend material

CrystalCoco · 23/04/2023 08:13

Zombie thread - but I'd be interested to hear if you've dumped his sorry ass yet!?

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