Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

situationship

4 replies

panni96 · 26/12/2022 20:06

I am a 20 year old girl who was seeing a guy in college. The guy seemed to be head over heels and treated me perfectly. But then when we had our first kiss after 4 days of knowing each other he said he loved me. I then tried explaining to him that it's not love yet. I told him i really liked him and wanted to take things slow but he kept on insisting that his feelings were real and I felt he might get upset so I let him be. Then after two weeks i was feeling myself falling for him more and more and i really liked him as a boyfriend. But then we were caught making out in a bathroom by a security guard who threatened to get us kicked out of school ( I am from a conservative religious country). After negotiating with the security guard he finally let us go. After this incident happened i felt that things were weird between us and I really felt like i needed reassurance. I asked him if he still loved me which he responded to " i cant answer that now" and then i asked him "what are we ?" which he responded to " i don't know". After this i felt betrayed and left him because we had established that we would be officially dating but then suddenly when one bad thing happens all of it was for nothing. He kept on insisting for me to not end things and for us to keep seeing each other but to take things slow this time. But i really felt hurt because i was the one who wanted to take things slow first and he insisted so much on him being in love with me that i decided to let my guard down. Even though i left him, i do miss and think about him and i feel very sad and full of regrets. What should i do ?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 26/12/2022 22:49

You should avoid dating for q while until you've learned how to spot red flags. Because this guy was a giant walking red flag.

Someone telling you they love you after 4 days - is a nutter. It's called 'love bombing'. It's something abusive men do in order to get you to let your guard down with them and trust them.

Read up on how to spot love bombers. Read up on how to spot players and abusers. Note that they often blow hot and cold. Acting really into you qnd then pulling away and when you need reassurance as a result of that, they make out YOU are the needy one.

This man is not a good'un.

Why on earth were you snogging a guy in uni toilets anyway? I'm guessing that wasn't your idea right? People who push your boundaries are not good to be around.

What do you do? Block his number.
And you listen to your own advice- people who have known you 4 days not in love.

Also, be aware of other things that you noticed. Like fear of pursuing that topic incase he got upset. So he basically was already training you to not say what you feel needs said incase he reqdlcted badly (eg: huffs/guilt tripping ect... none of which exist in a healthy relationship).

I'd examine your own boundaries. We set boundaries for OURSELVES about about treatment accept from others. So when he was Rushing you with the L word, rather than having to explain to him why that's not ok at 4 days in, you should have left him right then qnd there. Why? Because no normal person needs to be told its not ok to tell someone you barely know that you love them.

If you find yourself explaining why shit/pushy/unacceptable behaviour is shit, pushy or unacceptable, you are potentially in, or on the way to being in an abusive relationship.

I think you've had a lucky escape.

Pinkbonbon · 26/12/2022 22:54

Perhaps I being harsh and he was just really naieve and never dated before. But honestly a 20 year old man telling you he lives you 4 days in...it's creepy. And it should set up alarm bells for you. And I think it did, which is good. Its just in Future don't hang about telling the tiger why what he has just said is scary for you. Just run before you get eaten.

DatingDinosaur · 26/12/2022 22:56

Forget about him. The shock of getting caught was the wake up call he needed to realise that the risks aren’t worth it so he’s backed off.

Anyone that intense that early on is a wrong-un anyway. He’ll be thrill-chasing someone else by now.

You had a lucky escape really. Guys that age will say anything to get into your knickers.

Summer2424 · 26/12/2022 23:15

Hi @panni96 i've been in a couple of relationships where they said i love you but i didn't then when i did they got all distant. I then had to remind myself why i wasn't that keen in the first place and it made me feel better!
Live your best life, you're 20, wish i was! 😊

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread