Sister in law conflict

[Bruce123]

My sister in law (husbands brother’s wife) over the years has chosen to offer unsolicited and unwelcome parenting advice.

For example telling me I was an unsupportive mother when I refused to take my 17 year old daughter to the GP about breast enlargement on the NHS. And most recently telling me my 20 year old daughter had taken class A drugs and passed out and “I needed to talk to her and sort it out.” In actual fact it turned out to be alcohol , and it was supplied by HER daughter.

When I questioned how she knew my daughter had taken drugs ( had there been a test done?, what had paramedics said? , could we get a copy of the paramedics report? etc) she became very defensive and agitated via text. that was in July. I put it behind me.

Christmas comes and my sister in law demands a premeeting and starts with “you owe me an apology “. I ask why? She says for the nasty text you sent me when I told you about your daughter taking drugs. I pointed out it wasn’t nasty it was asking for the facts and evidence and my daughter hadn’t taken drugs. My daughter taken alcohol HER daughter had bought her. I acknowledged her intention was not to give advice but to alert me to a problem. But I didn’t take kindly to her offering unsolicited parenting advice over the years. If she had a concern she should talk to my daughter directly as she is an adult.

I refused to give her an apology. She then said she wasn’t coming to our mother in law’s Christmas bash and she wasn’t “playing happy families”.

Our mother in law tried to mediate by offering two separate dos instead of the large single family one. I offered this option to my daughters. They chose the big family do. So to make this happen I offered to not attend the big family do so as not to cause tension with the sister in law and between my daughters and the rest of the family.

what would you do? My sister in law seems intent on seeing the worst in me whatever I do.

To me, an apology just means you value the relationship more than your ego. And frankly I get so little out of the relationship with my sister in law that my ego wins every time.

Your SIL is making a right dick of herself, isn't she?

How about an apology/non apology, given in a very light tone, aka our great and noble leaders?

I wouldn’t apologise but not would I miss the family occasion to suit my sister in law throwing a tantrum.

Surely you just go and let her flounce if she can't be in the same place as you?

I'd be perfectly civil but avoid getting into any discussion.

You mean “Im sorry you feel hurt”? Im too honest…

Don't avoid family occasions. That just makes it easier for her and it could cause tension with your DH and your DD. Just speaking from experience.

In my view, sometimes you have to eat [?] in order to just get on as a family and let your ego go a little. Don't apologise but just keep your distance from her. It looks as though she will be digging her own grave shortly. The other thing that I used to do is always go to these family events looking fantastic, really fantastic I mean. Not necessarily expensive clothes but whatever you wear, make sure you look great and your make up looks great and I used to wear really high heels - this used to work for me.

You're not "too honest", you just don't want to. But that's OK.

Maybe tell them "I'm not prepared to apologise but I'm happy to agree to disagree and move on, SIL takes it or leaves it." If you are prepared to let it go, of course .

It sounds like you're holding on to a grudge as much as she is, tbh.

Yeah tried the “let’s agree to disagree route” already. “Let’s move on and look to the future “
She’s not budging unfortunately.

But then I feel aggrieved too by her continually interfering. So you are right. My ego gets in the way and the relationship just isn’t as important to me…

This.

Go if you wish and ignore her.

If she wishes to make a show of herself do not respond at all.

Give her zero response and ignore.

Unless you fancy a quiet night at home!

Suit yourself.

Tell her you aren't prepared to apologise for pointing out that contrary to her lies, your dd did not take drugs. She drank alcohol that her daughter provided. So you frankly are clueless as to what she wants an apology for. But you are willing to accept her apology for making up lies about your dd.

How bizarre

if someone told me that my child had taken drugs I wouldn’t dream of asking them for a paramedics report or whatever it is you asked for!!!

you are clearly difficult to deal with and I think it’s ridiculous that you have put your mother in law in the middle of your silly spat

not sure why she needs to apologise as you’ve not explained why she thought it was drugs? Maybe your daughter looked high at the time