Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Parents prefer my DS's husband to my husband..

23 replies

gemslove · 26/12/2022 15:32

Would like to know if anyone else is in this position?
My parents have always preferred my sisters husband to my husband.
We are all a similar age, have kids and are in similar positions in terms of finance etc, the only difference is DSis and BIL are very confident loud people whereas DH and I are more reserved. With every family gathering I feel more resentful as it really feels like DH and I are just making up the numbers. In the past I have taken it out on my husband, telling him to be more chatty and outgoing, but that's not who he is and I can't force it myself either.

I feel like there's not much I can do about the situation, if some people gel better than others do, but it just fills be with a bit of sadness every Christmas and I wish things were different.

Does anyone else have a similar issue?

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 26/12/2022 15:35

it really feels like DH and I are just making up the numbers

Can you articulate what they do that makes you feel this way?

How was your family and sibling relationships before you both got partnered up?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/12/2022 15:38

What the heck are you on about? Are you just jealous of your sister?

In the past I have taken it out on my husband, telling him to be more chatty and outgoing

Poor bloke. You can't 'tell' someone to be 'more chatty'.

If your husband is more reserved than your BIL, then that's just who he is. And who you chose to marry. And I assume, love.

Stop playing favourites with your sister. How old are you?

M340 · 26/12/2022 15:39

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/12/2022 15:38

What the heck are you on about? Are you just jealous of your sister?

In the past I have taken it out on my husband, telling him to be more chatty and outgoing

Poor bloke. You can't 'tell' someone to be 'more chatty'.

If your husband is more reserved than your BIL, then that's just who he is. And who you chose to marry. And I assume, love.

Stop playing favourites with your sister. How old are you?

Agreed

Lampzade · 26/12/2022 15:44

It could be the way your dh interacts with your parents. They could just feel more relaxed with your sisters dh.
Or it could be that they there is element of sibling rivalry. You may think that your parents favour your sister and therefore her husband.

PumpkinsandSpice · 26/12/2022 15:46

Hi gemslove, I have experience of this too, and agree it's not nice. 🤔 My mum tends to drop hints that dh & I are more 'serious' than my sister & her dh, different than saying 'less outgoing' but she probably thinks this too!

Thing is, I don't think we are. We're sociable, love seeing friends, enjoy a laugh & joke, but mum will make comments, ie,

'Did you see Becky & Ed (not sis & dh's real names!) having a right laugh with Jason (my cousin)'? I'll say 'Oh yeah, we were with them, all having a laugh'. She then replies 'Oh yes but Becky & Ed can chat in a more flippant way than you & dh, have a proper laugh. 🤔

And other similar comments that suggest she prefers their company. I feel for you, it's hard, but at the end of the day we can't change who we are. Also, if you & your dh are slightly introverted (I know I am!) it feels crushing to have made an effort, only to be told 'You were a bit quiet'!

I try to put it out of my mind now at get-togethers, but the comments still niggle in the background. 🤔

NoSquirrels · 26/12/2022 15:50

If my mum made comments like that @PumpkinsandSpice I would tell her I found it a bit hurtful. It might not change her opinion of how outgoing she thinks you and your husband are, but it should stop the comments (which are extremely rude, btw).

7Worfs · 26/12/2022 15:51

If it’s just a matter of temperament, you and your DH can aim to spend 1:1 time with your parents and leave the group entertainment to your DSis and BIL.

5128gap · 26/12/2022 15:52

Well it would be a bit difficult if everyone was loud, chatty and confident, wouldn't it? For every talker, you need a listener, so the quieter people are just as important socially.
It might seem that the centre of attention people are liked more, but that's because most people respond to being entertained. But there's way more to family relationships than that, like being kind to each other, there when needed, generous, warm hearted. If your DH has these traits and your parents have any sense, I'm sure they value him too, even if they're not in stitches at his humour.

PeaceJoySleep · 26/12/2022 15:59

@5128gap this is so true.

@gemslove if your mum makes more of these comments you could respond along the lines of "with all these big talkers there's room for a few listeners".

My parents have projected labels on to me too and it has hurt me. I asked them to stop and got nowhere. I got more labels! ANGRY and ungrateful and detached from reality were added to the list.

So many parents slip in to deciding who their children are, and they never change their minds. It's frustrating and it's very common.

Original poster

gemslove · 26/12/2022 16:07

I think my parents do appreciate my husband for all his qualities. He's great with our daughter and everyone always says he's a wonderful father.

@PumpkinsandSpice thanks for your post. I'm sorry you have this too.. sounds like your mum is a bit annoyed by the situation too but like PP has said some people are listeners and you should tell her that. My parents don't say anything, but in some ways I find that more frustrating because it's like an unsaid awkwardness. I guess it's all down to people feeling more comfortable with some than they do others.

The weird thing is that in the right company DH and I are very chatty, but I think with these family gatherings we feel like we don't completely fit in and end up quiet as a result of that.

I guess it's like any family situation, you can't control and can't change it, which is why it's always more frustrating..

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 26/12/2022 16:10

My parents don't say anything, but in some ways I find that more frustrating because it's like an unsaid awkwardness.

Are you sure you’re not just projecting something you feel and making it how your parents feel? If they’ve never said they’re less comfortable with you and your DP then why do you feel you’re just ‘making up the numbers’ in your own family? Have you always felt that way?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/12/2022 16:13

Maybe your DH just doesn't like your parents.

NoSquirrels · 26/12/2022 16:15

The weird thing is that in the right company DH and I are very chatty, but I think with these family gatherings we feel like we don't completely fit in and end up quiet as a result of that.

What is ‘the right company’? How do you act or communicate differently at those times? What do you need to feel more comfortable?

The problem here is that you have an issue - you feel awkward in the joint company of your parents and sibling and her partner - but you’re saying it’s someone else’s fault/responsibility.

To unpick it you need to start more from, how can I improve this dynamic? What do I need to do to help my DH feel more comfortable? etc.

Original poster

gemslove · 26/12/2022 16:16

@NoSquirrels it's an observation, and because I know my parents very well, I'm inclined to think that I have good judgement on that.
But yes I have always felt a bit different I guess, like I have a different sense of humour and I don't fully fit in. So I probably feel worse about the situation because of this.

OP posts:

Weepachu · 26/12/2022 16:22

I’d take your DH any day over your BIL. He sounds like a gobshite. Mine gets stick for being quiet (around people he doesn’t know well) - but I’d take a man of few words over one who runs their mouth all the time trying to be centre of attention. Thank god for small mercies!

Draconis · 26/12/2022 16:29

It's probably not a matter of preference but just that your bil engages your parents more with chat.
It doesn't have to be a competition. It's just the way your personalities are.

Mari9999 · 26/12/2022 16:30

People are who they are and people respond differently to various personality types. Neither your husband nor your parents are acting in hopes of antagonizing anyone. You seem more tolerant of your husband than you are of your parents. Why? They are a!l just different people.

tanqueray10 · 26/12/2022 16:33

I think louder people who entertain naturally get more attention at social events and it may seem as though they are more popular/better liked but from experience I’d say that this suits most people as they get entertained and don’t have to put much effort it. Whether people actually warm to those people on a deeper level and want a real friendship with them is a different matter altogether. x

HelloDaisy · 26/12/2022 17:06

We are the outsiders in dh’s family set up in much the same way. We are quieter than the others so tend to take the back seat in most events. Dh has 2 siblings who are closer to each other as well as fil being more comfortable with them.

It used to affect me and I would worry about it but now I am ok with it all, as is dh. We know that fil loves us and have sorted out our own relationship with him that works well for all of us.

Fishlegs · 26/12/2022 17:08

DH’s sister and her dh are really outgoing. In their line of work they do a lot of public speaking and entertaining their clients, so they always have a funny story up their sleeve. Dh and I are definitely quieter and sometimes when we meet up with my PIL I take a back seat and CBA to compete for attention. The PIL have commented too. I know they love us for who we are but it does get a bit tiresome sometimes.

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 26/12/2022 17:19

I had the same situation, but then DS divorced and 10y later DH and I are still together. My parents keep telling me how great he is.
Just to say, there is hope!

2bazookas · 26/12/2022 17:21

Isn't it normal to get on better with some inlaws/familymembers than others?

RunLolaRun102 · 26/12/2022 17:26

My DP prefer my DS husband too but he’s the most introverted person you’ll know & doesn’t give them the time of day & can be quite rude. It’s just another symptom of my DS being their favourite and there’s no more logical base to it than that. If your DS is their fav there really isn’t anything you or your DH can do to change their mind - her DH could spit in their faces and they’ll still think the sun shines out of his bum. Best thing to do is try and not spend every Christmas with them.

Flip