Partner says he doesn’t want a baby

[Sarahshopping]

I have been with my partner for 22 years and I am nearly 40. I have had two miscarriages. My partner says he is now too old to have children at 45. It is not as simple to threaten to leave at my age. I don’t want to have a child with somebody else. I’m totally miserable about it.

That's very sad and difficult that you want different things when there is no compromise.

I would strongly recommend coupes therapy to talk it through as I suspect you need his emotional support to come to terms with his decision.

Has he wanted children in the past and now changed his mind at 45?

He has not been totally definitive either way. He did support me with miscarriage and said we try again until now.

Thank you. Yes, we intend to do this in January.

I don't think 45 is old for men. Biologically they can father children into old age and usually do not take on all the responsibilities women do.

I'm sorry but I think he's being selfish. I know people will say 'you can't force anyone to be a parent' but he wasn't against it before, so it wasn't something you signed up for. If, as the years went on, he began to feel differently, he should have given you a heads up, so you had options whilst you were more fertile. Women have a end of date on their fertility, and frankly men can be blaise about this. But it can have huge repercussions mentally and emotionally for women if they are childless without choice. Childless through choice is different and positive.

I don't know what to say. Were you even 3 years younger I'd be encouraging you to leave. 40 is iffy I'm afraid. Very sorry. Hoping counselling will change his mind.

My strategy would be to not raise the issue again with him till then.

Im probably going to raise a different view point to most here. So far, trying to bring a currently non existent being into your life, has caused you the misery of 2 miscarriages and is now threatening your 20 year relationship.

If I was your husband, I wouldn't want you to go through that again. And I wouldn't want to either.
I mean, if your life is happy together, why does it need anything added?

If I were you, I'd be asking myself if a currently non existent person was more important than my relationship? (And arguably my physical and mental health?) If, i still felt yes, then I'd be questioning why?

Have I been conditioned into thinking that women need children to be, what, women? Complete? Fulfilled? Why am I doing something that is harming me, my partner and our relationship?

I'm not saying that having kids isn't a genuine calling for some. But I think sometimes people get carried away with the idea of an 'ideal' when really, they should appreciate what they have. Or, they try to fix something lacking, like a bad relationship or failing in some other dream pursuit, by adding kids.

Maybe just consider if thise things are a possibility.

I would say though, if you feel kids are a calling for you then I'd understand you leaving him. It's just, be sure it's because you want them. Not because you've been told by the world you're supposed to want them, combined with feeling unhappy in yourself or a relationship. Because kids don't fix things. And you can find purpose within yourself, happiness within a relationship and joy in life without them.

You have four choices 1) try to convince him
2) stop using contraception behind his back and see what happens 3) get some donor sperm and start trying without his knowledge.4) split up with him and try on your own with a donor.
lots of moral question marks with all of them but I wouldn’t judge

Is it because of the miscarriages that’s made him come down on no to children? How long have you been ttc and when was your last mc?

As you say, it’s not straight forward to leave and find someone else to have them with at this point and I really feel for you. But if he was happily ttc with you at 44 and is suddenly saying 45 is too old then something’s changed and maybe if you can get to the bottom of what it is you can make headway.

Is he struggling with the miscarriages? I think it can be too easy to underestimate the emotional impact on men of a miscarriage because they don't go through the physical side of it

I know I did with my DH

You sound like some counselling would be beneficial to both of you if you can, there is probably a lot of emotions caught up in this which may not be being discussed and therefore are coming out as a definitive yes or no when actually it's more complicated than that?

Men may be able to father children past 40, but I can see his point of view and I disagree with those who say he is being selfish. What one feels one can do at 30 is a far cry from what one may feel up for at 45. If the OP was to get pregannt tomorrow, and carry the child to term, it is not unreasonable that the next 22 or so years - until he is at least 67 - will be taken up with parental responsibility and costs, at a point in life where most people are looking forward to a rest from such things.

FWIIW My brother did this - my nephew is 16 in July and my brother is now 62. There's another five years of full-time education (my nephew is very clever, so the only question is which university he will be attending). My SIL is 58. They both love him dearly, but they are both bloody knackered, and have pretty much no life of their own. Active parenting at that age is hard work. And neither can afford to retire because, despite having decent jobs, there's still a long haul to the point when my nephew can be expected to be financially independant.

Having seen it in real life, I cannot blame anyone for getting cold feet at this age and re-evaluating whether this is for them. And if he can't commit to it then he has to be honest about it - it would be far worse to lie and try to manage it, and then find he has nothing to give.

What that means for the OP, they must decide, but I would not judge him for his position, and I would advise against trying to persuade him to change his mind. By all means discuss it, have counselling or whatever. But it needs to be something he still wishes to do, not something he does for you or anyone else.

DB unexpectedly became a father to triplets at 45 to his partner of the safe age, in fact she may have been 46.

😳

A lot of factors here op! Sorry about the miscarriages xxx
Firstly.. how long have you both been ttc? Did you have a discussion prior to ttc? You have been together a long time so I'm assuming you have been ttc for a while.
Did yous decide on a cut off age??

Me and my husband have been together since we were in our teens. Started ttc at 27 and after 2.5 years we hadn't conceived. We had a discussion re what we wanted to do re fertility investigations after a year. We also discussed what we would and wouldn't feel comfortable with. We agreed to try IVF (which failed), but during that process knew we would never use donor eggs or sperm and we also had a cut of age for ttc.

Triplets! It was meant to be! Oh dear.

I think he’s reached a point where he feels that ship has sailed sadly
men can have kids when there into there 70’s
but it more about what you feel you can offer as a parent . He feels he’s to old

So sorry OP- I do think 40/45 is old enough to say not for me- not that it minimises your pain op. Have you ever looked into medical assistance to have a baby together? Aside from the miscarriages- so sorry for you- if you haven’t explored further by 40 I would question if you really want them.

It's sad, yes, but surely the right time to change your mind about having kids is before a child is conceived?

I get that this changes things for you too, but now you have a choice - stay with him and stop ttc or leave and try on your own.

How long have you been trying for and was he ever keen or did he just go along with it to keep you happy? I can totally understand why he doesn’t want to be a dad at 45 and is probably content with his life as it is. You are the one wanting a change to the status quo.

So sorry about your miscarriages and DH changing his mind.

If you don't want to raise a child with someone else then therapy seems the way forward. I wonder if it is the MCs? Maybe he can't imagine you both being able to go through that again.

I find it hard to believe that he's changed his mind about children in this life, maybe it's just pregnancy or dealing with a baby. You could explore how he'd feel about adoption? Even if it just gives you a subject to talk around it'll help pinpoint his issues.

I wish you well. I would advise you to decide early whether this is a deal breaker for you.