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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this acceptable?

8 replies

Notsofestive1 · 26/12/2022 14:10

My very close friend was left by her husband at the start of the year. They have 2 young daughters together. He left her for another woman he met at work. After about 7 months he said he was not happy with this other woman and asked my friend for another chance. He ended things with OW saying he needed to concentrate on his kids. I told my friend at the time it sounded like he had left things open there with OW, not telling her he was getting back with my friend. The OW no longer works at his place but is friends with a lot of them who still work there. He went on his works christmas night out a couple of weekends ago and this OW was there. He told my friend the next day she had been there. I said to my friend I highly doubt he didn’t know she was going (mutual friends) but if he didn’t know, he should have made his excuses and left early out of respect for my friend. Instead, he stayed out all night til 3am (they started at 6pm) and he only told my friend the next day that the OW was there. I am trying to get an independent view on here of what he should have done as I honestly can’t stand the guy (he’s done many bad things to my friend) and I don’t want that to be clouding my judgement. They way I see it is, she took him back after the affair and they are trying to rebuild their relationship and trust so how can he justify staying out til 3am on a works Christmas do with the OW? So close to him ending it with her and getting back with my friend. It wasn’t a paid meal or anything it was just a night out, about 20 of them in one bar all night. Is this not disrespectful? I am so worried about my friend as I think he is still being deceitful and I don’t know what to do/say when she tells me these things as he always seems to talk her round. But if majority of people think this scenario is reasonable I won’t say anymore on it to her.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 26/12/2022 14:19

I agree with you. But it's her life and her choice. There's nothing you can say to her though. She's an adult and entitled to fuck her life up in any way she chooses 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't understand taking someone who cheated back so have nothing helpful to say.

Twinlife2 · 26/12/2022 14:20

I wonder if the only thing to be done is to be there for her when it all turns to shit again. If they've got kids together and she's given him a second chance all you can do is support her choices...however hard it'll be to stand by and watch the train wreck.

Notsofestive1 · 26/12/2022 14:27

It’s definitely very hard watching from the side line especially when she tells me all the bad things he does. I just thought that to make a relationship work after an affair the cheating spouse needs to have absolutely no contact with OW. So him being out with her til 3am makes me feel he is taking the piss out of my friend. I came on here as wanted to clarify if my thinking was right.

OP posts:
simplefree · 26/12/2022 14:29

I’ve lost my best friend (male) because I kept getting too involved in his romantic life - he was always having drama after drama with one GF after the other, telling me details, asking for advice and opinion, telling me he is about to break up with them but then make up and get even more emmeshed.
After a few years and 1 particular case I asked him to not get me involved in his love life anymore - he has become cold and distant and I am pretty sure the GF has something to do with it.

Lesson learned

Listen to your friend but don’t give advice - even if she asks - she will have to figure things by herself

Wanderingoff · 26/12/2022 14:29

Yeah he’s an arsehole and this won’t end well. But it’s her life and her choices.

Notsofestive1 · 26/12/2022 14:40

@simplefree its so hard isn’t it? As a friend you want to support them but how many times can you watch someone be mistreated before you have to step back? I want her to just look at the facts here, he chose to stay out drinking til the early hours of the morning with the OW. He chose to do that even though he knew that would hurt and upset my friend. Also - he left it open with OW when he ended things, she doesn’t know he’s back with my friend, so they were together with lots of drinks at Christmas time, that could very well have reignited the flame.

OP posts:
Twinlife2 · 26/12/2022 14:58

Your thinking is definitely right! A leopard never changes its spots.

simplefree · 26/12/2022 15:35

OP - one thing I know is that nobody can learn your lessons for you - it is important she figures it out for herself and the pain will help her avoid such mistakes and be stronger, more self aware

You will drive yourself crazy trying to save her / make her see things she can’t see - you have an advategeous perspective - not be romantically involved with the guy / no kids with him

Be there and listen when she needs to vent - this will give her the opportunity to hear herself talking - at maximum repeat back to her what she is saying to you verbatim - or probe her with gentle questions so she can reflect deeper and come to her own conclusions

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