Mum - feeling the pressure

[chocolateasaltyballs22]

Short back story. Mum is in her 70's, fit & well. Dad died while she was still in her 60's, so still relatively young. However, since he died she has made no effort whatsoever to forge her own social life and relies completely on me and my sibling for entertainment from weekends right through to summer holidays. When my kids were younger it was nice to include her in holidays, but now they've grown and gone it feels weird for her to play third wheel to me & my husband. This year I took her abroad just me and her at the end of the summer as I felt bad that she hadn't been abroad for a few years. But it was horrendous and I felt like I was entertaining a child for the entire week.

Yesterday I was talking to SIL about next year's holiday plans and said something along the lines of 'and that's it, I can't afford anything more next year.' Mum was looking daggers at me over the table as my plans for next year's holidays don't include her and she was clearly expecting what we did this year to become a tradition.

My issue is that I want to want to see my mum and not feel obligated every single weekend. I hate that she's becoming a burden. She's also hard work - she doesn't have a lot to talk about so I feel like there's this constant need to be the entertainer.

I don't know what the answer is or what advice I'm expecting. And I'm just feeling a bit worn down by it all. Having spent all day with her yesterday I'm dreading her coming for Boxing Day when actually all I want to do is chill out and relax.

Any advice on how to distance myself sightly would be appreciated.

Bump

Does she have any siblings she could visit with or go on a holiday with? Was she always slow to socialise? It's not easy for you but you don't have to bring your dm on a holiday every year so don't feel guilty. She has to make some effort herself.
My own dm was not terribly social person quiet and reserved and my dad died also when she was in her 60s. But she started going on holidays with a women's group..European city breaks and got to love that. She also did Pilates for older people and it became where we were booking in to see her instead of the other way around. She visited her sisters and generally kept busy reading etc. She was a wise woman and knew it was up to her although we did see her regularly.

Decide what suits you taking your own family into consideration and stick with that.We all loved our dm but never took her on holidays as we all had our own families to look after.
Maybe at a stretch one night in a hotel in the Summer but not abroad..no way.

ugh. I feel for you OP. Sounds exactly like my Nan and mum. Nan eventually stopped leaving the house in her 70s so people (mainly my mum!) had to go to her. No words of wisdom but it was impossible to change her.

@junebirthdaygirl she has siblings but she barely sees them. The kind of things your mum does is exactly the kind of things I think she should be doing. But she seems content to rely on her adult children for everything. I fear she's not going to change and I could have another 10+ years of this.

My mil is the same, dhs other siblings don't make much effort. She relies on us a lot for entertainment outside her one hobby infact we see her everyday lol.

I don't have any advice but maybe you could say to your mum you can't afford to take her... maybe she'll offer to pay for both of you instead?

I don't want to go, even if she paid! I get limited holiday time from work and this year was such hard work I simply don't want to repeat the experience.

Have you told her outright that she is being too dependent? Or that you feel like she relies on you too much to entertain her and take her away?

Nope. I think she'd be upset and then I'd feel guilty. How do you broach that without massive fallout?

Well, not easily. But if there is a slight chance she doesn’t really realise how dependent she’s become it might be worth it. It can become habitual so perhaps you could frame it like it’s a new year coming and that’s a great time to try new things, regain confidence etc?

I think the other slightly tricky thing is that I always think my sibling does a little bit more than I do, and I feel like they'd disapprove if I upset the status quo. I don't want to fall out with them. It's so difficult.

I said to my adult daughter this morning that I don't want her feeling like this in 20 year's time.

I don't have any answers other than to empathise as I'm in the same boat.

My DF is on his own, in early 70s and does next to nothing socially. He will visit one couple he knows very occasionally for a cuppa but everything else he does with family (mostly me). He frequently moans that he's bored and all he does is watch tv, but I really think I see enough of him and struggle to make any more time for him.

He talks about things he would like to do, trips he would like to take etc, but makes no moves to sort anything. I don't mind going out for meals etc but I don't want to offer to go away with him because I think that will be the start of me being his companion for all of it! My mil on the other hand does loads of things as a single person including holidays abroad, I wish he would do the same.

Well the update is that she came round yesterday and looked miserable the whole time, presumably because of the holiday conversation she overheard. She won't say anything though, she'll just fume silently. Don't really want to see her for the rest of Xmas now.