How do you know when it’s time to call it a day?

[WhippitGood]

Hi all,
long time user, have created a new user name for this topic. First time posting my own thread.

Have been with DH for 2 decades, got together as teens. DC, 8. In our 40’s. He’s a wonderful man, has his faults as we all do but hasn’t done anything “wrong”.

I just feel a strain on trying to be who I was many years ago, trying not to do anything outside of the box that potentially makes him feel uncomfortable with me moving forward in any capacity. Although he’s always outwardly supportive of things I do, there will be comments “who are you doing that for” etc which I always put down to him lacking confidence. He questions my friendship choices. Sex is hard for me to do because I do not fancy him.

Obviously Christmas time highlights the strains as people feel like they have to try harder to be happier because it’s Christmas! Yesterday was a difficult day.

My question to others who have been through this kind of thing is how do you know you need to either end it or put in more effort?

Removing your beautiful DC from the equation for now, as I know that's always a tough call.

I guess the question is "are you still in love with him"?! Sounds to me like you are not and you are just plodding on to keep the peace. In my view you have to be in love with someone to put in more effort but then again you shouldn't need to feel the need to put said effort in. It should be natural, right?.

You also say that you don't fancy him. I am guessing you must've at one point? Can you get that spark back do you think?

Sounds like you a difting a long for the sake of it.

I saw something on a Facebook reel that made a lot of sense. This woman said that she had chosen to leave her long term partner/ husband because he didn’t love her in the way she wanted to be loved. She realised that, after years of hoping things would
change, that they wouldn’t.
first thing you need to do is talk to him about the issues you have. Then you will see if there is still something you can work with. His reaction and reply will determine what you do next. Good luck.

@YNWA2009
thank you for replying.

Good questions for me to think on.

I am not in love with him no, I will have a think about how to get the spark back but I really don’t think I can because I think you’re right.
I am feeling like I’m plodding along to keep the peace and everything “normal” for DC.

But I have feelings now that their life is being affected by the strain and they can sense something is wrong, yesterday for example- I just feel like I’m failing and being happy and it’s because this marriage is over?

@BigButtons
Thank you. Yeah, I do need to talk to him. We both know there is something in the air and we’re just dancing around it today I think.

I said a few things to him a few days ago along the lines of - I don’t like to try new things, or tell you about the things I am up to because of the comments he makes.

DC come first, 100% non-negotiable. If you believe that this is affecting DC then you have to make changes, even if they are hard in the short term. You are trying to be happy yes, but failing, I wouldn't be saying that. I think what you are doing is totally courageous but you're right, in as much as its not healthy. Surely for this to work you have to be in love? I don't see how you can get this back without signficant effort, but then, can you fall in love with someone all over again? I'm not sure. Focus on DC and do what you believe is right and best for them as they come above all anything else.

You all deserve to be happy.

Ask yourself does this person make me more happy than unhappy.

Then you have your answer

Could you first of all just do the things you want to do. Breakthrough. Ignore his comments or just say..that's not helpful. Doing these things will prepare you for a life alone so it's worth pursuing them now while you decide where your relationship is going. He can't stop you ..only pass negate remarks while you can ignore.
When you are on that road of planning and doing your own thing it will become much clearer what to do.

@YNWA2009
Yes this is true, there has to be some want to, but maybe it’s just not there anymore.
I know my DC is suffering because I’m not being the best parent I can be because I’m on auto all the time.

@Happygirl79
Thank you, it’s making me unhappy trying to be happy with him.

@junebirthdaygirl
This is what I am going to start doing with more conscious effort. Thank you.

I have had to in some areas anyway, like work- where I just need to get on with things that “Old WhippitGood” would never do. But “old WhippitGood” is 20 years older and that’s what happens, right! We evolve.

You have your answer then. Good luck and be kind to yourself

I don't mean this to be a dig at anyone at all. I ask the question myself all the time . But...
Whenever I hear people say that "you are not being your best self therefore you are not being the best parent"
It makes me wonder.

Is it really that black and white?
Isn't breaking up a family so earth shattering for kids that to do it simply because one isn't fully satisfied with one's partner relationship possibly an indulgence sometimes?

Is there a sliding scale of how dissatisfied one has to be ?
No partner is perfect surely?
I wonder all this myself.
Maybe the people best placed to answer this are those who have done it. But what would their kids say now or in 20 years?

If you don't fancy him then I think it's the end OP.

I also know exactly what it's like to feel you can't be the self you would want to be and naturally would be nowadays, because someone is suspicious or mocking. It's a bit of a waste of a life if you're not acting in the manner you would, spending your life as you would.

@OldFan Thank you, yes I agree. I feel like I’m wasting my life and also feel guilty for potentially wasting his.

@santaismyname thank you, good points.

Thing I’m wondering is though, how many years more do we carry on not wanting to shatter DC’s lives and lose out on our own.

Having recently been through this I would say rewind to when you first met. Was he enough then? Could you get it back?
We were both in rebound situations and I realised it wasn’t enough. He hasn’t treated me how I treated him and he hasn’t had my back. I buried my head. When I was young I was looking for an escape. Fast forward 20 years. There has been a lot of hurt. But we have kids, tried counselling. It got to the point where I knew I had lost trust etc.

@Bertha21
im sorry you’ve had to go through that.

I was a teenager when we got together, I don’t t feel like he’s enough for me now, no. I don’t feel like I am for him either.

I don’t think we can get it back unless I carry on pretending everything is fine. It’s quite a dull existence.

Is anyone living thru the tenseness of it all? I’m sitting with tears in my eyes just wanting to scream and run away.

Have you talked to him yet?

@BigButtons a little bit, I’m conscious of it being the festive period and don’t want to “spoil things” especially for DC.

we had a few words and he said that he feels lonely even when he’s in my company and I agreed I felt the same.

@WhippitGood schedule in time to chat sometime this week.

I could have written much of your post op. I have changed too.I have dc of a similar age. It feels like a huge plaster to rip off. But, I feel like I'm acting a role at home most of the time and yes, the trying to be happy is making me unhappy. I'm asking myself whether I have the energy/drive to make things better. And all the while, I am in the throws of the perimenopause which can make women feel different about their partners and this is throwing any decision making off course too. So, in a nutshell I feel stuck.

I am receiving individual therapy (I had a difficult childhood) and I'm working on me - what sort of things make me happy, so that if I find myself alone, I have more interests/hobbies and potentially a better social network. I need to work on connecting more authentically with people in general (such as friendships).

I think one of the most difficult aspects of this is the fear of the unknown. We have to face the fact that if we leave, we may never get the relationship we want anyway. But right now the faking it and feeling stuck is a miserable situation to be in. I too, need more conversations with my husband. I have had one but there are more to follow. It feels too hard to acknowledge that I might want to walk away, especially when dc are involved.

Let us know how your conversations go with your husband. Wishing you all the best.

@Aztecswest how did it go?