we dont talk

[EzrasMummy]

My husband and i get on well enough, so long as there hasnt been any arguments. if there has then he sort of retreats into his shell and keeps away from me. Even if we havent, we never talk about real issues. we just have small talk. i think he is afraid of deep conversations of the heart. he sort of feels really uncomfortable . i think he is passive agressive. I cannot get any answers from him, he just sits there.

I have no one to talk to and even if i say i want to talk he will say go on then and he will just carry on with what hes doing and not even look at me. this is even if we havent had a fight or anything. he never used to be like this but its got worse over the years.

My main concern is the kids. my baby is 9 months old and my husband does what he has to do for her, but am worried about my son. hes 7. his dad never talks to him or spends time with him or tells him about morals etc. he just sits there and reads or something while my husband sits on his computer or chats on his phone. he does do some of the domestic work etc but he makes me feel bad for it in a subtle sort of way.

I leave the house at 7 30 am after getting the kids ready and drop them off to nursery and breakfast club then i drive to the station then walk to station and get 2 trains and another walk then home by 6.30/45. my husband finishes at 3 and could get the kids straight away but goes home first and gets them later and feeds my son and daughter (the food is there he just needs to heat it) and washes her bottles and makes them up and tells my son to bath and just leaves him to do whatever and never spends time with him or helps with homework and i dont have time as he goes to bed at 7.30

by the time i have bathed the baby and sorted out her things for tomorrow i dont get a chance to go through my boys homework or anything. i dont have any time and ive started being impatient with my son and feeling so uptight and it upsets me (and him). hes started stuttering and not behaving at school and i dont know what to do.

I mentioned a couple of days ago that im feeling really stressed and im worried how it will affect my son and he didnt say anything. when my son was misbehaving at school (for the first time ever) i mentioned again that we dont spend any time with him, even having conversations about morals, etc or just spending quality time. and all he said was "i knew youd say that". when i was on maternity leave my son was brilliant, we spend time together etc but now i finish work at 5.30 and get home late and i expressed my worry and wasnt gonna take the job but my husband said "ill take care of everything, when you come home you dont have to do anything" now i get "you should be grateful i do all of this!"

he used to leave the baby in the car while collecting my son from after school club. it takes 5 mins to find him and you go in and shut the door. He does it many times (my sis has seen him many times -her son goes there too, and i asked my son too). when i asked him not to do it, he basically said if i dont like how he does things i should do it myself.knowing i cant hes using it against me. i could go on forever. he is full of criticism for my son (by another relationship) and my son is now at an age where he learns how to behave from the males around him and i dont want him to grow up and think that all marriages are like this where the man doesnt have a word to say to the wife.

sorry this is so long. i dont need advice but just wanted it off my chest.

Am so fed up

i dont go anywhere coz i dont have the money, or the time to be honest

Gotta go do the usual stuff, may not be around for a while

What a sad post. Sounds like you're realy in a rut and you may need to seek professional counselling to open up lines of communication as it will only get worse, not better the way you are both operating today.

No real words of wisdom, just bumping this up for you.

definately passive aggressive behaviour.

no idea how to deal with it tho i'm afraid. my h is same but we are separated and communication is virtually non-existent anyway.

any chance he will go to relate so you can learn to communicate with each other?

I think there was a thread about passive aggression recently? Have a look in 'Relationships' there may be some pointers there.

Have had a look, thanks. Tried everything. he wont go counselling. have asked many times over the years. I know what i need to do but just need to get on and do it.

thanks Maidamess and Ipsy

What do you think you need to do?

My main concern would be with your son - 7 is way too young to be largely left to his own devices. No wonder he's playing up - negative attention is better than none at all.
Given that your DH isn't going to change anytime soon, is there anyway you could shift your work hours so that you get an extra hour with the DCs in the evening? Could you work closer to home so there's less of a commute? It looks like something has to give, and while ideally that would be your DH, sorting out your DH and your relationship is a longer-term problem. Your DC's issues are immediate.

Maidames. I reckon i need to separate to be honest. my kids come first full stop.

Hassled. I completely agree. Will be with my current employer for 26 weeks in 2 months i will ask to change my hours then. (cannot aske before that) but for the time being will play it by ear. have started looking just in case though.

Good luck.
Would it be an idea to talk to your DS before then and explain that is what you're trying to do - I mean to acknowledge to him that things aren't great at the moment but taht you intend to sort it out. It might make him feel a bit happier to know that you're on the case and stop the messing about?

Thanks Hassled. Have done that. We are so close and i tell him i love him every day. He is happy but i just think we need to make sure he knows we are there to talk to etc. We always have conversations about these things we even did this morning.

I have told him that i havent been very nice to him and i will try not to be like that and he has said he will behave himself etc. We always tell eachother we love eachother and i just want to nip things in the bud. The world is a scary place and it is SO important to bring up our children to be responsible and to do the right thing. I know that what i see is my childhood, and i am looking at my brother and myself combined and my Dad didnt have much time for us and we never had encouragement etc. And i will not let my boy feel how we did when we were young. sorry m rambling!

No, ramble away (except I have a school run/trip to dentist's combo).
TBH your OP sounded an awful lot like the set-up with my now ex-DH. I hadn't ever really realised how bad things were until I had 2 more DCs with current-DH and saw how hands-on some fathers can be, and I have had a lot of guilt over the years about the effect that all had on my older DCs. I wish I'd got out sooner, although having said that they are (mostly) turning out OK (18 & 20 now). And ex-DH actually became a very good father once we'd split - we had shared custody.
So you are much more on the case than I ever was and should be really proud of yourself for identifying the problems early and acting .

Thanks for your advice, it has helped