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Original poster

Strained relationship with SON

8 replies

Calalilly1965 · 26/12/2022 03:27

Our son handed out his gifts to us at the Xmas dinner table , husband/ Dad was given Tag Heur watch & me, a pair of gardening gloves & £200 gardening shop voucher which I’m very grateful for.
The difference in value of gifts is very obvious and I was so embarrassed at the table . however I feel so hurt.
I bend over backwards to be helpful to my son , his GF and 4 children.
The Xmas lunch , I bought all the groceries , prepped , cooked it , laid and served it and washed up.
I look after the grandchildren on Fridays , school runs and play group , take them out , we have lunch , all paid for by me.
I have had a strained relationship with my 37 yr old son since he was18
, I felt it challenging to cope with his alcohol and cocaine habit from 18 onwards.
Last year I totally lost control of my emotions with him whilst under the influence of alcohol. I actually want to hit him for the things he was saying about his younger brother who is hatband struggles with Bi Polar.
He now runs his own successful business and we are so proud of him. I couldn’t care less about the financial differences but it’s the obvious and blatant gap in value of the presents that he bought and that hurts a lot this time, although I think TagHeur watches are rather obscene , I’ve never been one for brand names etc anyway but if feels awful. Also the sheer lack of manners , please / Thanks much for having the kids etc is soul destroying.
I came home and cried so much.
I know
What I said and my behaviour a year ago was unacceptable and I have tried to make amends ever since , I’ve not drank alcohol since and try to give them as much support as I can.I’m recently
diagnosed adhd so I know my emotions are allOver the place but still this feels awful.
In a way I feel I deserve this because of last years episode but I know how hard I have tried to make this up to him and show that I am determined to commit.
I just feel awful and dread seeing him in a few days time , I actually want to cancel the plans to come over(it’s my birthday )

Any suggestions or tips on
how I can manage this please x

OP posts:
Unthinkable8 · 26/12/2022 03:30

Therapy. Uabu.

Lexi868 · 26/12/2022 03:36

Calalilly1965 · 26/12/2022 03:27

Our son handed out his gifts to us at the Xmas dinner table , husband/ Dad was given Tag Heur watch & me, a pair of gardening gloves & £200 gardening shop voucher which I’m very grateful for.
The difference in value of gifts is very obvious and I was so embarrassed at the table . however I feel so hurt.
I bend over backwards to be helpful to my son , his GF and 4 children.
The Xmas lunch , I bought all the groceries , prepped , cooked it , laid and served it and washed up.
I look after the grandchildren on Fridays , school runs and play group , take them out , we have lunch , all paid for by me.
I have had a strained relationship with my 37 yr old son since he was18
, I felt it challenging to cope with his alcohol and cocaine habit from 18 onwards.
Last year I totally lost control of my emotions with him whilst under the influence of alcohol. I actually want to hit him for the things he was saying about his younger brother who is hatband struggles with Bi Polar.
He now runs his own successful business and we are so proud of him. I couldn’t care less about the financial differences but it’s the obvious and blatant gap in value of the presents that he bought and that hurts a lot this time, although I think TagHeur watches are rather obscene , I’ve never been one for brand names etc anyway but if feels awful. Also the sheer lack of manners , please / Thanks much for having the kids etc is soul destroying.
I came home and cried so much.
I know
What I said and my behaviour a year ago was unacceptable and I have tried to make amends ever since , I’ve not drank alcohol since and try to give them as much support as I can.I’m recently
diagnosed adhd so I know my emotions are allOver the place but still this feels awful.
In a way I feel I deserve this because of last years episode but I know how hard I have tried to make this up to him and show that I am determined to commit.
I just feel awful and dread seeing him in a few days time , I actually want to cancel the plans to come over(it’s my birthday )

Any suggestions or tips on
how I can manage this please x

Wow ...despite the gap in price, £200 vouchers isn't exactly nothing. My husbands side of the family don't even remember his birthday and quite often don't even get their grandchildren gifts.

Summer2424 · 26/12/2022 03:59

@Calalilly1965 you sound like you do so much but it's not appreciated. When this happens to my Mum she really takes it to heart and stops doing things for us, it's the only way us adult kids learn and stop and think Mum does alot for us. My Mum has learnt to start putting herself first which i think is good.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 26/12/2022 04:39

Maybe he just wanted to give his dad a great gift because he loves him.

Nothing wrong with cancelling any plans to be with him, it sounds like you could use some space from each other. Why not look at the good side and buy a rose with the voucher that can remind you of him, in a good way when you tend it.

Ihavenodesiretobequotedinthepaperthankyouvmuch · 26/12/2022 05:43

My son favours his Dad. It’s heartbreaking, sometimes he takes to me with real hatred in his voice.
Stop trying to win your son back because it sounds like you do too much for him and he is taking you for granted.

Bluerisotto · 26/12/2022 05:58

For whatever reason he wanted to get his dad a special gift this year, and didn't know what to get you, perhaps as you aren't close. It never ends well if you compare things financially. I'd just let it slide and focus on dealing with your own emotions.

FWIW my son either gets me nothing or I get a £20 voucher, no card. I didn't even get a birthday card this past year and believe me I did everything I could for him as a single mother over the years. He would go off to his dad's with huge bags full of gifts for them. It's hurtful but you just learn to focus on the bigger picture which for me is maintaining a cordial relationship so the door is open for a better relationship, if he ever changes.

MintyBinty · 26/12/2022 06:43

That’s a shame but do you have any idea why he seems to prefer his dad? (Do you think that’s the case?) Could it be possible that he found a good deal or a discount for his dad’s gift? (Sorry I don’t know the value of the brand of watch he got him)

Could you ask him if there are any issues? Anything you could do to help improve things?

If you believe he’s just taking you for granted or possibly holding onto past resentment, it might be useful to take a step back and stop doing so much for him. That might be the wake up call he needs. Alternatively, it could sever the relationship further so I would recommend talking to him first to see if you can improve things that way.

Best of luck and I’d also advise seeking some therapy to work through your feelings as well.

Original poster
Calalilly1965 · 30/12/2022 09:28

Thank you for all the replies, I very much appreciate them.
My gift voucher of £200 is a generous amount in itself & he has never spent that amount before on me and so I will hold on to that.
I will most likely buy a Rose , that’s a wonderful idea I think.
I’m also going to step back too , I have a tendency to overtry / over please & I think I’m probably draining myself by doing that.
We have since been over to pick my birthday cards & present & also the watch needed a link removed so that’s been sorted out now.
I wondered maybe if there was an ‘after thought ‘Xmas gift but no , the receipt/ insurance is £2315.
I won’t be asking
the reason why etc as I don’t want to make our relationship anymore strained than it is and so I think in this case I will let it go.
It’s hurtful but I am going to do some work on my emotions & try not to think I’m a bad Mom because I know not.
Thank you again for all your replies , they have helped me.

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