I HAVE HAVE have to learn to get this right - please help me keep on the straight and narrow. LONG!

[dividedselfridgesxmaswindow]

I post about my fecklessness with relationships on here a bit and feel a terrible bore but I desperately need some support in doing the right thing.

I am having CBT but it's slow going and my therapist feels I may need to wait for psychotherapy to deal with some past minor traumas that are now having an effect on my relationships today.

My big issues are low self esteem at times along with a huge fear of rejection or abandonment. I was left alone as a 2 year old and have vivid memories of this event and others similar. It is certainly a theme. I also find it hard to cope with being let down and I really magnify small disappointments as I irrationally use them as evidence that things are not right and then I panic and become needy and (I have been told in current relationship) confrontational. I think he means that I am like a dog with a bone because I'm no aggressive - actually feel like I'm walking on egg shellstying to make things okay again.

Aaaaaanyway...

Dp and I have a great relationship in most ways. However, he is going through a divorce and it is in the late stages and getting quite bitter and financially worrying for dp. I have offered a lot of practical and emotional support but at times have allowed my frustration to show through and been a little 'off' with him when he has ignored advice he's asked for and then things have gone wrong. To be perfectly frank, he has been quite cold and distant with me in the last 2 or 3 weeks since the shit started to hit the fan with the divorce but I am beginning to understand that I have to deal with that as part of being supportive. Nevertheless, it has triggered my 'needy' response and things are going ohhhhhh soooo wrong.

A week ago dp was due to move in but because it may make things complicated with the financial settlement and because I have been an arse he has reneged on this one. I'm upset but it makes sense and we will review in the Spring when the divorce is complete (we hope).

Now, because I have turned into the biggest Klingon that ever existed, have become vaguely paranoid (honestly not massively so), and pretty much questioned his every move if it feels like a rejection of me, dp has decided that he still wants us to be together and he thinks he will still want to move in in the future (although has his reservations now, understandably) but that he is going to cool things off.

This means he will see me twice a week or somesuch and will stay over once a week.

It makes so much sense but I am in agony at the rejection. I know I am going to fuck up without help and become more questioning, more fawning, more needy and fucking desperate and pathetic. I amnotthese things in reality but rejection or fear of it makes me behave this way.

Tonight is our last night together before the new deal starts...guess who decided that was necessary?? So, dp has slightly grudgingly agreed to take me out if we can get a sitter. Now already he has said he'll be going home to his place tonight and I am biting my lip so I don't say "please stay, just tonight" like the stupid chuffing ridiculous idiot that I am. I know deep down in the recesses of my brain that he neeeds to stay at his tonight. I know that it's only going to be good if he wants to stay but still I can hardly fight the urge to make things ok (in my head) by 'getting' him to stay.

This is too long by far but I want to add an anecdote from last night so I'll reply to my thread so you can skip it if you are bored!

I don't know if my lovely friends here can help me do this but if there is anything that might help I need to know i and do it because I can't keep on screwing up with decent lovely men that I've been fortunate enough to have in my life. Ex dp excluded.

Divided what else have you got in your life that is good and that you enjoy, that you could use to distract yourself from this nehative behaviour? Is there a hobby or an interest, or some old friends you have neglected? I guess only therapy will help you solve your problems long term but in the meantime you can choose to keep yourself busy so that your DP isn't in the position of being everything in your life.

How does that sound?

when you feel like this men are a drug.......you can do it, he does love you, he has told you he just needs some space, you must believe him.

Is there anything you can do to keep busy, give your mate your mobile and tell her not to give it you back so you cant ring him. Pretend he is going away on work for a few days, say goodnight tonight, close the door and find something to do.

{{{hugs}}}} it is a tough place your in at the moment, but one step at a time. Sorry to be corny but if you love him let him do what he needs to do, and if he loves you he will appreciate it and come back.

Ok, last night was actually supposed to be our 'last night'.We thought we had a sitters sitter booked but they let us down on the booking.We were going to do dinner and make it a big ish night out with drinks with friends afterwards.

So, dp wanted to see his friends as he spent most of the last 2 weeks nights with me, thus he agreed to shorten the night and not get drunk and come home to watch a movie and share a drink with me. Fine.

At the last minute I thought I had sitter so got dressed and made up in lightning speed and he came to pick me up to join him and the friends. I phoned the sitter to say to come over in 5 and she let me down. At this point I'm kind of hoping dp will see my disappointment and stay home but he doesn't and I wish him a nice night and ask him if he is sure he can stick to not drinking lots and coming home early being realistic. He says yes so I'm cool with that.

Now past experience tells me it is going to go tits up.

He comes home a bit drunk - well, quite drunk but he copes with it well - and at about 1.45 am. I waited up. I say I'm glad he had a nice time, blah blah but I have to force myself to be this way because inside I am screeching "why don't you love me enough to not let me down"

Now, I know I'm always getting this wrong so I know that it is probably the case that I shouldbe being pleased for him that he had fun after such a bad week with the divorce. So, I successfully let it go. However, now I feel like a doormat and it is seeping into every damn thing today and I am clutching at straws and driving him away. I really am DRIVING the man away but at the same time he IS letting me down more often and he is becoming more distant.

Viscious circle?

I am most hugely grateful that you guys have taken the time to read and your replies have a lot of meaning. I am very incapable of understanding even the obvious at the mo.

Absolutely agree and see now that if he loves me it will work and if he doesn't it never would whatever I do.

I also think being busy is going to help. My difficulty is (I know it you see) I have loads of friends and stuff that I do or could do but when this stuff happens it's like someone pushed the zap button on my motivation. It almost feels like I'm rubbing my own nose in it getting up and getting on. Maybe I am avoiding acceptance of the situation by curling up in a ball. Hmmm...

Now,can I just ask, are you SURE that if I don't cling on I won't lose him? If anyone can actually convince me of this I do have quite good will power and will ve vvvvvv good at staying away and either being or at least looking ultra busy, happy and sorted!

you need to make yourself say the words, "ok so you need some time well go and have some time"

divided...........you really need to try and be on your own, it will be a real revelation to you, it will make you realise how strong you are and how you dont need dp to make you feel secure, he is there because he wants to be there and you want him there and there is no feeling of being there out of duty, or you panicking every tim he walks out of the door, believe me I have been there, if you want help you need to pick yourself out of the panick mindset you are in and trust that you can be on your own. XXXXX

divide.....you say he told you that he wants you two be together....now i cant vouch for what he has said, but if he said it then unless he is a complete shit he must mean it???

I can only say that if he is a man of his word and he says you will be together then you have to believe him.

Give hime the room he needs, this isnt for his benifit in the long run but yours.

If you do go chasing after him then you will drive him away

Thanks s@2! I was on my own for the longest ever after I left xdp but after about 6 months of total on my own-ness I was dating again plus letting xdp back in my life too much.

It was good though and I feel fine on my own and said I wouldn't do relationships again to protect myself but human nature got in the way and here I am. Ridiculously, when I have actually split from people it has generally only taken me about 2 weeks to deal with it. So lord knows why I panic so much about it happening. I am pretty strong but you wouldn't know it right now!

I might show my therapist this thread as I haven't been arsed to do my mood diary and this pretty much sums up my week and my behaviour.
x

divided you sound like me....you take soooooo much and give so much of yourself, but when you have had enough you make you mind up quickly. Good luck, you can do it, you will have a far better quality relationship if you listen to what your head is telling you rather than your heart.

i can't help wondering if you have somehow subconsciously chosen a guy who could be so easily scared off in order to repeat the patterns of your early childhood. i guess that's for your therapist to help you discover.

i totally agree that you need to give him all the space he asks for, and even if your motivation is at rock bottom you need to get your autopilot going and see friends or distract yourself with hobbies. at first it will be nigh on impossible but give it time and i'm sure you'll begin to enjoy it. Even if/ when he decides he's ready to get serious again you need to keep these diversions going to avoid repeating the current situation at some point in the future. Be busy yourself some time when he does want to take you out or see you more regularly, and keep it that way.

Gosh! You could be right. I do quite go for the Transactional Analysis theory even though it makes it seem so very nearly impossible to make any positive changes when a lot of it is about subconscious choice making.

Thanks for your input and insight.

Ok, just took children to park he phoned and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee in park. I say ok. He cold, distant and aloof and actually didn't even say hello. Spent all the time talking about flats he's interested in and then when I offered him a lift up the road he turned me down.

Bit my lip the WHOLE time and didn't start an argument. Thoroughly miserable afternoon for me in the end feeling totally rejected.

I just a flat sounding goodbye and drove away so he probably thinks I now have the hump.

Told you I'd be rubbish at doing this. Just how much aloofness from him is acceptable? I'm not sure I know.

Hello, been trying to get hold of you for DAYS.

I'm home all evening if you want to chat x

Hiya lovey. I have had some weird calls where nobody speaks...is that you? lol

Dunno why I'm lol-ing. I feel dreadful. But I mean could it be you?

just doing dc some boiled eggs but then around. Am back in starvation mode but is not worrisome as I was in stuff face mode up until last week.

x

The phone just rings and rings so not sure if there's a problem with your line or sommat?

You know what I think about all of this don't you? You rushed into things with him when you were far from healed from the past. The important thing is working out where you go from here. I think that has to start with finding out how to be happy in your own right; by that I mean to ensure that your own happiness isn't dependent on attention or the actions of others.

I will help you, you know that

Speak soon x

P.S in a nutshell I suppose what I'm saying is that you don't seem to be able to be happy unless you're in a relationship x

Hey PD, it was worth posting twice. Very helpful advice indeed...honestly.

I think you are bright but whether I can make myself recognise that is quite another thing.

It is very hard to know whether I am super analysing and over sensitive or whether he i actually being a twonk and quite selfish at that...

Snowflakes, you not supposed to be helping. We said!

But I'm your friend so how can I not

Ok! Point taken. Will call after bath and bed which is vvvv soon. They just having pud.

D is supposed to be coming for curry but I'm not going to call and ask what time and I may just switch off mobile. He will probs ignore me now anyway. PD's post is kind of making me feel I should just walk away to a vaguely convincing degree

You ok?Tell me later