Does this relationship have a future?

[Alphyn]

Hoping to get advice from others who might have been in a similar situation. DP and I have been together for 19 months, we have separate homes. We each have 2 DCs from previous marriages (ages ranging from 9 to 13), none between us. I have mine 50% of the time, he has his EOW. Our 4 DCs met each other about 6 months into the relationship and we’ve tried to integrate/blend families (several weekends and a couple of short holidays together, two more planned for next year). Initially things were great, it was like happy families with our DCs hitting it off and looking forward to EOW together. But over time, his DCs were less keen to meet up and mine have now also lost interest since they felt rebuffed. DP almost never spends time with me when I have my DC but he’s always keen for me to spend time with him and his DC when mine are with their dad. I’ve often pointed out the asymmetry in this but his response is that I’m very welcome at his but he understands if I want to have my time to myself. My DC are ambivalent about DP spending time with us as they’d rather have me to themselves.

Apart from the challenges trying to blend families and having rather compartmentalised lives, it feels like DP and I want rather different things. Unlike me, DP never wants to re-marry whereas I hoped to do so. Even if we don’t get married, I would like to combine households instead of splitting my time between our homes. He’s open to the idea but wants to wait until his finances are more settled or even until the kids are grown up.

I just want to have the certainty of being in a committed long-term relationship but without marriage, or a home together, or blended families, it feels like there is an expiry date as I’m struggling to see where this is going. I’m a planner, he is the complete opposite. Whenever he does something which upsets me, I’m constantly wondering whether this means I should end things. When we’re together, particularly when we’re kid-free, things are so good and I can just be myself, unlike my previous relationships where I felt like I had to play a part/live up to their expectations. When we’re not together, I start ruminating and questioning things, particularly if he isn’t in regular contact (like now, as we’re spending the Christmas holidays apart). Am I just overthinking this?

He's looking for a nanny for EOW.

When we’re not together, I start ruminating and questioning things

Hallmark of an unhealthy relationship.

You've acknowledged that this relationship isn't what you want it to be, you're waiting for it to get worse, and you don't even share the same hopes. You're not even 2 years in. Sorry.

What @MerryChristmasToYou said.

Bugger that. Yet another deadbeat dad.

No future here.
He only sees his own kids EOW, he doesn't want to be around yours. He gets all the perks of a relationship with you, along with the easy parts of being a parent without much of the responsibility.

@MerryChristmasToYou
@EVHead
Not really - when I do spend time with them, it’s either as a family or me hanging out at his place doing my own stuff/work. I’ve never had sole care of either of them. I do sometimes mediate when his DD is having a strop and being mad at him but that’s about it.

@Watchkeys
I guess I’m hoping it will get better. Apart from the whole marriage thing, he thinks we want similar things but are just on different timelines.

But you don't want similar things in the future, and you're not happy in the present. He can say what he wants, it doesn't make it true.

You can't help how you feel, but I can imagine how he feels, as I feel the same.

I've been with DP nearly 7 years. He has adult kids, one lives with him but will move out soon.
I have teenagers who are with me all the time.

I rarely see his kids. He sees mine when we go on holiday and briefly when he visits 3 times a week. They like him, but my kids have no interest in spending time with DP's kids, and vice versa. They've met a handful of times but never spent any length of time together.

DP and I are very happy and we both definitely see this as a permanent relationship. We often talk about when we'll do when we're both retired etc. But we both acknowledge that due to distance (25 minutes apart), family commitments (kids and elderly parents), work and so on, moving in together is not on the cards any time soon.

I know we will live together eventually, but probably not for another 5-10 years. I'm happy with that, and so is he. However, if he started wanting more then I would really struggle. I don't want to lose him but I'm really not ready for the upheaval of living together.

I guess you have to decide how important it is for you.

You're wasting your time. He's not really that interested in anything other than what works for him, is he?

It does sound like he is happy with the current situation and is in no rush to change it. So there's no reason for him to change anything. But it sounds like this current situation isn't working for you, which must be hard on you. You can either continue to try to push him into a situation he doesn't want, which problem won't work, accept it won't change and change your expectations to enjoy the current arrangement, or cut your losses and move on.

It doesn't sound like you envisage the same future together at the moment. Obviously that could change over time, or the opposite might happen and you move further apart.
But he's not making you false promises, he's being quite open about where he is on the relationship timeline, but he can't predict when or if he'll change to your way of thinking. It's really up to you to make the decision whether to risk staying around to see if he changes his mind, or end it now and look for someone more on your wavelength.

But over time, his DCs were less keen to meet up

DP almost never spends time with me when I have my DC

My DC are ambivalent about DP spending time with us as they’d rather have me to themselves.

Is it possible your DP & his DC have picked up on the fact that your kids would rather have you to themselves?

You describe that you are looking for a committed full time relationship, ideally marriage.
You describe that he is happy with a girlfriend rather than a partnership.

You both have children who wouldn't benefit at all from what you'd like with him, but can tolerate your current status quo.

If I'm honest I expect he will want to move in with you when the children have all flown the nest and he'd like a live in companion to nurse him when he's old and grey (I'm assuming he's not younger than you) but it sounds like he just doesn't view you as wife material.

Plenty of people aren't looking to settle down again once they've done the marriage/kids thing once and it didn't work out.

@Sarahcoggles
Thanks for sharing your perspective. Just wondering how/when you and your DP came to this understanding? My DP thinks I’m rushing things but it would make such a huge difference if we at least had a 5/10-year plan. Unfortunately he’s not a planner…

@3487642l
Yes, I guess those are the only 3 options available. He’s not going to budge, particularly since he still has to sort out his finances. That leaves the last two options 😕

@TulaDoesTheHula
I don’t think DP and his DCs lost interest because of my DCs - mine were constantly excited about sleepovers etc until it all started to feel a bit one-sided.

@christmasfairy22
I agree the kids are happier with the status quo. But that doesn’t mean everything has to revolve around them. DP is 5 years older, so not that much older! Frankly, he’d rather stay put and have me move in if it weren’t for the kids. He says his place is my home and he hates it when I go back to my own home.

Initially there wasn't a specific discussion, more just an assumption that our situations would make cohabiting difficult, in that one of us would have to move. This would mean potentially new schools, being further from elderly parents, further from friends, work etc. Over time we've both sort reflected to each other that sadly we can't live together till our circumstances change. Realistically that means kids moving out, elderly parents no longer needing help, retirement from work and so on.
I love DP very much and he is the man I want to grow old with, but if he gave me an ultimatum now I'd have to walk away.