To leave my friendship group of 20 years

[Arena5]

Hello

I wanted to ask some perspective on whether I should leave my friendship group.

There’s are around 6 of us who have all been friends for over 20 years. So around 5-6 years I notice that 2 or 3 of the women had grown a bit cold with me. Whilst I had been close them individually and definitely really cared for them, I was closer to some others. I did attempt to restrengthen those individual friendship but unfortunately it felt one sided and I settled for seeing them at our wider group get togethers remained friendly at those meet ups and invested more in the two I felt closer to. Unfortunately now those two have also grown quite distant to me also. Now I still get asked to the group get togethers we have every 3-6 months or so but I’ve started to feel like that’s more out of duty and because it’d be awkward not to ask me. I know the others still have close individual friendships and see each other one on one or in smaller groups but I dont get included in those plans and I seem to get cancelled on or receive no responses to my suggestions to do so. And if I’m honest I’ve lost the confidence now to ask again or suggest plans now.

I find the idea of leaving really difficult as these women have been a real constant in my life and we’ve been through lots of big love events together. I also am prob not the best at making friends either. I don’t think I’m horrible - I take a genuine interest in others, I think In have a good sense of humour , have quite a wide range of interests and I think one of my strongest points is that I’m kind. But I’m prob a bit shy even as an adult and I suppose maybe a bit socially awkward at times… But once you get past that I think I’m a good person and a good friend.

I just wondered if what others would do in this situation? And I know it’s a strange day to post it, I suppose I was feeling a bit reflective this evening about the year.

Anyway wishing everyone a happy Xmas despite the slightly gloomy post!

x

Must feel really hurtful. It isn't a strange day to post . When was the last time you saw them? Have you been excluded from Christmas outings too?

I don't see it has to be a decision about "leaving the group" or not.

If you enjoy their company / want to - for example - have lunch with them that month, then go. If you feel it is a bit of a chore, then don't.

If you are weighing up how much "you invest" in a friendship, then it isn't a friendship as I recognise a friendship. You make it sound like work.

I (compared with what I see written on MN) have lots of friends but I can honestly say I have never used the words "invested in a friendship". Yes, I have supported friends when they have needed my time or advice or a listening ear, but I've done that because they are my friends and I genuinely wanted to help.

However, many friendships work because they are of a time, or of a situation, and it is fine to let them drift when circumstances change. You don't have to "leave" the friendship group though, it just naturally fizzles out.

I can relate to you/your post, beneath it all I believe I am a good person and a good friend, but I can be shy and quiet in group settings and I think I’m just considered a bit boring/others are more exciting and fun. I don’t think you need to totally leave the group but perhaps save yourself the hurt by no longer suggesting catch ups etc ? Also, are they really worth continuing to be friends with if you don’t feel they’re being particularly nice to you? When you find the right friend/friends you won’t second guess yourself or worry about a thing!

Thanks all, interesting to get different perspectives. I have been invited on the Christmas get together. I don’t want to suggest that I think these are unkind people. I suppose it’s just that I valued my individual friendships with each member more than being part of the group. Those individual friendships have fizzled out (not by my choice) which has been harder to take when they have been maintained between others. And I suppose I feel like I’m on the periphery or a background friend who maybe no one would particularly miss if I didn’t turn up. It has hurt but I also don’t think that has been people’s intention.

yes though ‘Usingchangeofname’ perhaps it isn’t necessary view it in black and white terms I.e. ‘leaving’ a group. Although to me it doesn’t feel unnatural to talk about investing in relationships though. It isn’t to suggest I do things for others so they’re beholden to me. It’s just (imo) I think we all make decisions about where devote our time, interests and affections.

Anyway thanks for the thoughtful posts and have a lovely day tomorrow all x x

Is there one in the group you still have an individual connection to?

Sounds difficult OP and maybe you don’t need to decide to leave, but focus on creating new friendships which could in time flourish and become more important. And that is always possible.

Bte I forgot to add thanks BillsLills, it can be difficult sometimes to find your place in a group when you are introverted can’t it. Sorry to hear you have felt that way also but it’s comforting to know others can relate x x