I sense my mother in law doesn't like me

[RubyF30]

My husband and I have been together for 12 years. I've always sensed my MIL didn't like me or I wasn't good enough for him. We have never fell out and always got on well in each others company.

However over the last few years my husband and I lost a baby. My mil didn't message, text, call, visit once. Never said anything. That's when the red flags really started for me.

She never comes to our house even though we have made it clear she is always welcome, you literally have to ask her over. And when she comes over she makes a point In phoning my husband and saying she is lost and can't find the house.

When we moved in we offered our parents a spare key for emergencies, she declined and said she didn't want it. We explained why we were giving her it and she still didn't want it. So handed it back.

On the lead up to our wedding I involved her in everything and she wasn't interested and didn't want to attend anything. On the morning of my wedding she never messaged me or spoke to me. I bought her a beautiful bag of gifts to open the morning of my wedding a wrote a card to her. She never mentioned it once. Or acknowledged that she had it.

She never replies to any messages when I text and never asks my husband how I am.

There are so many small things that just annoy me and have caused arguments between my husband and I. He doesn't see it. Like what on earth? And says it's maybe all in my head but how can it be. The facts are there.

I am very close to my family so this really hurts me and I really really struggle with it. I now dread being in her company because I find it so awkward. It's always one sided conversation because she never asks about me. It actually breaks my heart that I have to live like this. I find it so uncomfortable.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I get so upset thinking about it all the time.

Ps this sounds like it's all me me me. It's not, I'm just trying to share my view.

Families are all different. You come from a very close family. My family is the complete opposite.

My DM would never have wanted involvement with my sil. DM didn't really want involvement with her DGCS, except some photos for her mantelpiece. She was my DM and she didn't want to be involved in my wedding. She certainly wouldn't have wanted the responsibility of a key. She never gave presents to adult children and would have worried if she had received presents from a dil. She wouldn't have known how to respond.

How old is your MIL? I think you might be taking this personally when it isn't about you, it's just not the way some families work.

This is hard (Christmas tends to bring these things to the forefront of our minds)

i think I would be grateful to have a nice husband and your own lovely family and just go (I suppose grey rock) about her
don’t contact her or look for anything. Let Dh sort it. you haven’t done anything wrong.

I do believe there is something wrong - did she want someone else for her son or is she jealous she hasn’t got full control of him now ?

whatever her problem is you are your own person - you don’t need her. I’m so so sorry you lost your baby. Very cruel of her not to reach out to you. Also your Dh is fully aware but doesn’t want a fuss.

Thankyou to you both these are such kind words I will take them both on board <3 xxx

What is your MIL’s relationship like with her son? It’s strange you never mention your H and his mother’s relationship. Have you discussed this with him?

I understand why you find the lack of relationship between you and her but 12 years is a long time to still be hoping it to be different.

We can all speculate why she behaves the way she does but your H knows her a lot better than we do.

It's sucks because family is such a lovely thing when people want to be close.
But this women doesn't want to for whatever reason. So you need to stop begging it basically. I mean that nicely! Just leave her to it, you have your family, husband and presumably friends and lots of others that like and love you. She doesn't want closeness and you can't force it with all the heartfelt notes/gifts/ gestures etc.
I do think the not contacting you after your baby loss is just down right cold and cruel though. She's not a nice MIL so you actually don't need her so focus your attention on your positive relationships

Take MILs lead

Stop trying to make her someone she's not

Stop projecting what you think she should do and being disappointed when she doesn't do it

Treat her as she treats you

Thanks everyone!

@AgentJohnson they are close but she doesn't ever pick up the phone to him or come visit him. It's always my husband phoning her . Makes me so sad. He would do anything for her but at the end of the day it is his mum.

And when he does phone she moans that he hasn't been in touch for a while. I always say to him eh it works both ways.

@miltonj yeah you are so right. The gift thing at my wedding I done for my mum and bridesmaids, so it wasn't just her.

I wasn't wanting anything in return but maybe just a simple acknowledgment would have been nice.

But your right x

@RubyF30
Obviously I don't know your MIL but maybe...
My brother and his wife moved close to my parents, 10 minute drive. They couldn't understand why my parents didn't drop round etc. My mum was desperate not to intrude, she was/is so self effacing. Might simply be that MIL thinks like that?

If he thinks his mums behaviour is fine then just copy it back to her.

It's what she wants so you're not being rude

@lbnblbnb possibly but we only live 15mins from her and she says we live miles away.

Been in the house 5 years and she has came over 3 times.

Can we swap?