Just realised how low my self esteem is

[Spongebobsmartypants]

I need some perspective
came out of a 22 year emotionally abusive relationship and i feel like i have lost the concept of what i should be willing to put up with
been in a relationship for 5 months
we live a Distance apart but chat daily and see each other when we can.
hes lovely and considerate but his ex girlfriend of 10 years, although they separated 2 years ago has a key to his flat
she turns up whenever she likes, they have drinks together, takeaways, go shopping together. She stays over but in separate rooms.
they have no children

would anyone else accept this or is it a huge red flag

That wouldn’t work for me. Is this his first relationship since they split up? It sounds incredibly enmeshed and neither of them will have a normal relationship with other people while they’re still this connected. I’d walk. Find someone who’s properly single.

yes its his first relationship since they separated. When its just us everything is fantastic but when she arrives, There is no warning and he will ignore me as he cant text etc when shes there as he doesn't want to hurt her.

So he’s putting her feelings above yours. And that makes it anything but fantastic.

I wouldnt be happy with that either, in fact I dont really know why anyone would be. Its one thing remaining civil / friendly with an ex but not having a key to his house and staying over.

But he doesn't mind hurting you.

I am so low i feel like I would put up with anything. I have no idea how to put my own line on what i think is acceptable.

Doesn’t sound like they’ve separated to me.

Anyway, you’re not okay with it.

Have you spoken to him about it? What did he say?

Ultimately, if he’s not going to get his key back and cut ties with her properly then you need to end it.

If you don’t then you’re disrespecting your own boundaries and that is a marker flag for you to look at yourself and figure out why you’re willing to accept something that’s making you uneasy.

Does she know you exist yet, or does he not want to 'hurt' her with that info either?
Nope, your standards have dropped too low. There's no DC, so no need to still see each other. It actually sounds like they are still dating. He can't prove that she stays over in a separate bedroom.
Basically if he knows texting you would hurt her, he's telling you that he's going out and having sleepovers with someone who still has deep feelings for him, otherwise there would be no potential hurt.
So at best he's keeping her in reserve knowing OW she feels, but actually as likely, they are still a couple although not living together - BTW, are you sure they don't actually still live together? Do you go round there much?

They definitely dont live-together and i have spoken to his brother who is also adamant they are separated and just friends.

however you have all said exactly what I have been thinking, this is way too much work and i shouldn't be worrying about an ex from 2 years ago whose still hanging around whatever the reason is.

would it be wrong
to ghost him, as i know he just try to talk me round

You can't put boundaries in place for other people. Your boundaries are in place for you If you find their arrangement to be something which you choose not to live with, you state that you are ending the relationship because of your personal boundaries. If he cares enough about maintaining the relationship, he will make adjustments.

You need to be prepared for him to decide that he may prefer to keep the longer friendship over a 5 month long distance relationship. If that is his view, you just move on realizing that this was not the relationship for you.

It Is not unrealistic at several months into a relationship to discover that your views , values, and outlooks are different.

thank you everyone

It's a no from me

For a successful relationship you need your partner to be disentangled from his last one - being amicable / civil to sort out things with the kids is one thing but the ex having a key and staying over is way too much

Thats a really odd arrangement isnt it. Not really how its mean to be….Does she know about you? As others said he’s putting her feelings before yours..

Hey, you trusted your judgement, have seen red flags and are doing something about it.
There's plenty good about your self esteem!

I wouldn't put up with it.

He is prioritising her feelings above yours.

I dated a man a few years ago. I met his ex wife with whom he was friendly (and co-parented well). They were together for 20 years and divorced for 5 when we dated. He also had an ex girlfriend of 6 months. They'd been together for a year.

I dumped him because he was bothered by his daughter posting a photo of me him and her on SM in case his ex gf saw it. At the point at which seeing a photo of me and him together on fb made him think of how his ex gf would feel rather than being happy about being with me, that was the point at which I knew he wasn't for me.

A good way of working out where your natural boundaries are is to pay attention to when you ask the 'Does this cross my boundaries or not?' question.

We don't ask that question unless our boundaries have been crossed. It simply doesn't come into our heads. If it's your birthday and your friend buys you a drink, the question doesn't come into your head, does it? But if it's nobody's birthday, and your boyfriend looks gleeful that a good looking woman in the pub has bought him a drink, you might feel uncomfortable, and wonder if your boundaries have been crossed. And that would be because they had.

We can't tell you, and we can't know, whether his behaviour is acceptable to you. We can't tell you if it's a red flag, any more than we could tell you if one person buying another person a drink is a red flag. Things are very nuanced, and your own perspective about what's right for you isn't something anybody can help you with. But if you're asking yourself, and wanting to ask on a forum, whether his behaviour is a red flag, then the fact that you're asking the question is what tells you that for you, this is a red flag.

I am so low i feel like I would put up with anything. I have no idea how to put my own line on what i think is acceptable.

Then you shouldn’t be dating.

Don’t ghost him, send hip a text or email but don’t suddenly disappear.

Let this be the catalyst for working through your stuff because if you don’t, you will just keep repeating the mistakes of the past.

This

What's too much for one person isn't necessarily too much for everybody. Your experience and feelings aren't universal. OP's feelings are all that matters.

Don't just ghost. This is an opportunity for you to practice doing right by yourself. Just tell him his lifestyle doesn't work for you, he is clearly still enmeshed with his ex and you aren't interested in hanging around because of that. That you have no interest in 'changing' him, but instead wish him the best and are calling it a day.

Don't agree to meet in person. Just 'no, sorry but I'm not interested in doing that'. You don't owe him it. Just block him if he continues to bother you.