Is this Gaslighting?

[Freeflight]

So I've just been perusing social media and something came up explaining different types of gas lighting.
After reading it I am starting to question if my partner is gaslighting our daughter and what to do about it.
Apparently Emotional Gaslighting is when someone dismisses another person's feelings implying as if they are unable to identify how they feel.
Now my partner has a habit of telling our dd that things don't hurt. All the time. I've told him too many times that he needs to listen to her.

For example if she says the water is too hot, he tells her it's not. It usually isn't but I've said to him that she is the only one who can decide that as its her feelings so he needs to listen to her.
I'm fed up of telling him that he can't tell her how she feels or what hurts but he seems to not be able it.

Is it gaslighting, is it just him being bad with feelings.
What do I do about it, as I've told him a million times. Do u explain gaslighting to him?

For note, we are having issues in our marriage due to his infidelity so I probably am seeing him in his worst light.

I don't know if the label is gaslighting but I don't like the sound of it.

He's teaching his daughter that whatever she feels or thinks, a man knows best and as a woman, what she says doesn't count. It's insidious and will stay with her into adulthood unless you try to stop it in its tracks.

Do you have sons? Is he different with them? That would be the litmus test.

Is he gaslighting you over the infidelity?

For example if she says the water is too hot, he tells her it's not. It usually isn't but I've said to him that she is the only one who can decide that as its her feelings so he needs to listen to her.

doesn't he realise that heat to a child is very different to how it feels to an adult?

@daisychain01 we do have a ds but dd is 9 and ds is 3 so there is different dynamic anyway.
I don't think he does it to ds really, but to be fair, ds likes warmer water and doesn't get upset if he bumps something whereas dd does so there would be more scope for him to dismiss her feelings.
I very much stop him when he does it and actually get very frustrated with him about it and use the point that you can't tell someone else if something hurts because you are not them.

@category12 how would I know if he is gaslighting me? I find it all quite confusing terminology.
The infidelity was a long time ago, he denied denied denied (which seems standard), slowly found out more but he will only admit to the definites I know.
He claims he "stopped it going further", but from what I found soon after there was no regret in their discussion.

Why do you need to name the behaviour? Why can't it just be 'He invalidates our daughter's feelings?' What help will it be to you to diagnose this, and isn't the time you spend finding its name time that could be spent doing something about it?

Thanks for your input @Watchkeys
I actually haven't looked into it, that's why I have asked. I happened to be on social media and was scrolling through things and there was a post on it and it's a term I have heard and lot, but am not massively familiar with so wanted some people with more experience to shed some light.

I am intrigued as to what you feel would be an appropriate resolution to it. Any thoughts would be helpful.
I always pull him up on it and have spoken to him about how he needs to stop.
What are other options, possibilities?

I would say that I often find that if I am able to coin a term for something it makes it easier to find resources with useful guidance as otherwise it is all too vague to have purpose.

Gaslighting you over the affair/infidelity would be things like saying "oh you're just being paranoid, you're so insecure, why don't you trust me?" when you reacted to weird behaviours of his at the time (like if you suspected stuff at the time and he convinced you it was all in your head). "I never said that" - when he did/. "I told you that ages ago" - when he didn't. "You said it was OK, you must have forgotten" - when you didn't. Or something like it was your fault he was protective of his phone, because you're so nosy and suspicious.

It's calculated to make you think you're the one being unreasonable, being oversensitive or paranoid.

With your child, I wouldn't call it gaslighting exactly, I'd say he's not respecting her and invalidating her feelings. People feel pain and temperature differently, so if she finds something too hot, it may be OK to him, but not to her. I suppose invalidating her feelings and telling her how she should feel is sorta in the same ballpark as gaslighting, tbh.

With the affair, if he's resisted all along telling you anything and has never made you feel like he's been fully transparent, then you're going to struggle to ever "get over" it.

"Gaslighting" has become quite the buzzword and divorced from its original meaning - which was where an abuser does or says things, deliberately, to make their victim feel they are losing their sanity. The term was coined from the old film "Gaslight" where an abusive husband kept turning the gas lamps up or down and telling his wife that she'd done it herself.

What your husband doing is invalidating abs denying the legitimacy of your DDs feelings.

You could try pointing out that showing her that her physical comfort is inferior to a man's is a very worrying lesson for a girl to learn as she approaches the age of sexual maturity.

Or you could take it to the offensive. Snuggle up behind him in bed one morning, then jam a bag of frozen peas into the small of his back. When he leaps up shrieking "it's cold!" just keep saying "no it's not, don't be silly, it's the perfect temperature."

I'm fed up of telling him that he can't tell her how she feels or what hurts but he seems to not be able it

Have you tried talking to him about 'disrespecting her feelings'?

He sounds like a shit parent and an even shitter husband. You don’t need a name for it.

My parents were like that: unable to understand that I could have my own feelings, thoughts and interests.

Whatever you want to call it, it is very damaging to a child sense of self.
Your husband is basically telling her that what she feels is not valid/real/ which is frankly not acceptable.

He simply sounds like someone who doesn't think about others and doesn't care about how they feel too. He's a habitual liar and invalidates others' feelings.

How does your daughter feel when he says that? Sometimes things like that aren't a big deal but if it's regular and it affects your daughter, then he needs to listen and change that habit. Otherwise, there's a problem. It really doesn't matter what you call it.

Thanks for the tips.

@Watchkeys i haven't phrased it in that way I guess, but I will try and remember as I think that sounds easier to grasp.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation i think that's why I find the term confusing as it seems to suddenly be used everywhere.

@category12 not sure I will "get over it" tbh, but that's another story and something we will be dealing with after the festive period.

@Greenfairydust you are right, it must undermine her and having struggled so much with my own self worth growing up, which is part of why I think I didn't leave after the infidelity so I want dd to have what I didn't.

@PenanceAdair dd is upset and will cry about how daddy said she was lying. He lacks empathy I think sometimes yet I can't seem to stop empathising with others.

Poor girl. What does he do when he hears (about) this? Sounds like a terrible father if it hasn't caused him to stop.

Pps are right, invalidating is the word for this. It means simply naming what the child is feeling, and reflecting it back to them.
It can help to explain validating someone else's emotions by saying, eg:
"You don't have to agree with someone's pov to validate how they feel about it. Their feelings are real to them, even if the water's tepid all you have to do is say, oh I can see you're really upset that it's too hot for you."