No closure & not knowing the truth

[Neveragain85]

My 5 year relationship ended suddenly a month ago by my now ex partner. I've been having counselling to try to help me understand why I tolerated the verbal & emotional abuse from him & why I turned a blind eye to all the weird things that happened during our time together. My mind is overrun with questions of why he did that, what was he up to, what was really going on. I decided a few weeks ago to go NC with him & I know even if I ask him I wouldn't get the truth but how do you move forwards not knowing the truth? How do you put all these questions running through my mind to bed? Is it just time?

It's over. Tell yourself to look forward not backwards and stop wasting time trying to figure out the truth about why. Why doesn't matter. What is done is done.

I’d tell yourself that you do know all the whys and hows. He’s an arsehole. The most obvious answer is the most likely so anything that he lied about is clearly because he didn’t want you to know what he was really up to. Answer those questions yourself with the details you suspect and you won’t be far wrong. Then put it behind you and don’t give him any headspace.

You won't get closure from a narcissist. Don't waste your life on it OP.

I think it will help you draw a line under things if you accept that the answer is that there is no answer as such. There are no clear details to understand other than that he wasn't who you thought/ hoped and that you were justified in having your suspicions about inconsistencies/ odd goings on.

I think you're doing to best thing looking inward for the answers, rather than expecting anything from him.

It must be very raw right now.
Things will get more manageable as you have space to recover.

It's the worst answer, but it is time. Your brain needs time to process, to work through memories, to make sense, to accept, to become familiar with your new abuse-free normal ...

A month is hardly any time at all. It will happen gradually, with support, patience and perseverance.

It may also help to accept that there is no such thing as closure, it's a concept from fictional stories not reality. There is no act or statement or anything anyone can say that will magically put everything in order and to rest.

What's happened is part of the tapestry of your life, over time you will have more experiences that displace it and it won't dominate in the way it does right now

You start by 'comparmentalising' or boxing up that period of your life. It's finished, over but by dwelling on it your still living it. You'll never get the answers you want so its you that has to close it. There were many indiscretions in my 24 marriage that I'll never get the truth from. Life starts today not yesterday, everytime it enters your head you get up do something engaging and look to tomorrow.

I'm definitely an armchair psychologist but honestly....... just focus on your own Why's. If not, You'll be stuck in an eternal loop trying to understand people's motives, it's hard enough to know our own motives and minds. The funny thing is that when you understand yourself it will be easier to make an educated guess as to why you fell into and accepted that dynamic and into figuring our your half of this story you can work out what half he brought into the relation and why you were together so long. You were both getting something or reliving or rehashing some trauma or childhood bonding issue together.

“You start by 'comparmentalising' or boxing up that period of your life. It's finished, over but by dwelling on it your still living it. You'll never get the answers you want so its you that has to close it. There were many indiscretions in my 24 marriage that I'll never get the truth from. Life starts today not yesterday, everytime it enters your head you get up do something engaging and look to tomorrow.”

This with bells on.

Thanks everyone for your comments. He was definitely a narcissist so I'm struggling with recovering. Due to my delayed trauma response I've put all the pieces together yesterday of all the weird things that happened but didn't feel quite right. I believe he's cheated on me with at least 3 different women, probably more. I don't know why it's taken me this long to figure this out but I knew I didn't trust him but I stupidly stayed with him. The anxiety is me is so bad & hard to accept & control especially when my mental health issues were the reason he dumped me! No wonder my MH was bad, I was in a relationship with a bare faced liar & on some level I knew this. If anyone has any suggestions to get over the pain I'm all ears. Also need to get a STD check after the new year

He's a cunt and you're well rid of him. The End.

That's all you need for 'closure'. He certainly doesn't deserve any more of your mental energy than that.

Bit crap and cliché - but it's time and gradually waking up to what he was like, and the damage he's done.

If he's a narcissist, then it's a personality disorder, and that's about all the reasoning there is behind it - he did what he did because as far as he's concerned, he's the main character in his own life and everyone else is a NPC.

You'll probably find you realise more and more of what he did and said was lies or gaslighting or calculated to mess with your head. It's a process and it'll take you a while to unravel. I personally don't think it's a bad thing to try to look at what happened in the relationship with more objective eyes and question it all. It's early days from the split, so it's expecting a lot to find closure already. Perhaps consciously take it out of its box to think about, and then put it back in.

Try to concentrate on your own healing and the counselling should help.

Closure isn't something the other person gives you, it's you accepting things as they are. You didn't do this during the relationship. You may have accepted the things he was doing, but you didn't accept the reality that that meant he wasn't a viable partner to you.

Your anxiety comes from not listening to your own feelings in this way; you knew he was hurting you, but you stayed, knowing you'd be hurt more. Who wouldn't feel anxious, knowing that the one person who's supposed to look after us is knowingly putting us in the path of harm? YOU are the person who is supposed to look after you. YOU were the person letting you down.

This might sound harsh, but what it means is that, although he was at fault in his behaviour, YOU are responsible for your own wellbeing, and as soon as you start to behave responsibly with it, you will feel less anxious.

So, would a person who has your back say 'You stupidly stayed with him', or 'No wonder your mental health was bad, you opted for a relationship with him', or do you think they might take a more supportive tone? When you can find a way to deal with yourself in a more supportive tone, you'll be able to accept that his lack of giving you closure is closure in itself. There's nothing more you need to know about him. You'll never have answers with regard to his motives and behaviours, but lots can be gained by figuring out yours.

Thankyou @Watchkeys it totally makes sense. It's just so hard when it's raw. This man introduced me to his family, spent most of his free time with me & my kids, went on holidays together & with our children, we were buying a house together. All the time he was lying & cheating on me & when I noticed weird things happening & called him out on it (like you should be able to in a healthy relationship) he turned it back on me & was verbally aggressive & nasty. He was the last person I'd think would cheat but maybe it's his narcissist charm which makes women drop their knickers even knowing he's in a relationship. All 3 women saw me with him so they knew about me. I've never encountered a narcissist before, never been cheated on before, so it's a huge shock to realise that for the last 4.5 years of my life I was being played. Or maybe he's just a pathological liar. The urge to get some answers is huge, to understand why & how many women were involved but I know I won't get any. I now realise the relationship anxiety was my body trying to tell my head something was badly wrong & I had put my trust in the wrong person, but I didn't pick up on it. But I accept your comments with the benefit of hindsight it totally makes sense & when it's less raw will start to work through. I had no idea who he really was, I've been very naive

I suspect that you need to get a better idea of who you are, rather than concentrating on him. There will have been red flags you overlooked. He won't have been as perfect as you think, and your responses to him won't always have been the you that you would like to be.

Examine you, not him. He will be the eternal unanswered question, and what will change will be that you don't care anymore. I know this because I have one in my past too. They don't matter, except for the lesson that you learn from them, and it's so valuable. But you have to be ready to learn it.

I am so sorry you have gone through this. As you say you will not get answers but also you are trying to reason the unreasonable, you can’t. Look forward, plan for the future and move on. Easier said than done but you can do it every day you will get stronger.

There's a guy in my friendship group who has been married 3 times, he appears to be the best husband and appears to adore each wife but he is constantly unfaithful.

Each time he has genuinely loved his wife and the life they were living, but just can't seem to stop the thrill of chatting up and sleeping with other women.

At one Christmas meet up he introduced us all to his latest girlfriend, who he was about to get engaged to and then tried to chat up his ex wife. His current girlfriend who he's now about to marry was friends with that previous girlfriend.

You won't get any answers from your ex as he probably has absolutely no idea why he does it.

I went through something similar in 2017.

And while it is mainly a question of time there are also things that you can do to help yourself.

For example I wrote a long list of his behaviour during our five years together, and every time I started missing him/wondering why he dumped me I read the list and visualised him when he really hurt me. I deliberately replaced an positive fantasies with memories of his abuse.

Now I look back and understand that he dumped me to hurt me, strung me along with suggestions that if I apologised ‘correctly’ he would tell me or take me back so that he could prolong the abuse.

I still see him around and now all I think when I look at him is that I deserved better. Then I get on with my life - which is 100% better without him.

And I can’t say this strongly enough - it is not you. It is him.

There is no mileage in trying to figure out why he is abusive. Just know that he is and focus on yourself. This might include the Freedom programme with Women’s Aid, reading books such as Women Who Love Too Much and Boundaries: When to Say Yes and How to Say No, Worthy of Love: A Gentle and Restorative Path to Healing After Narcissistic Abuse (The Narcissism Series).

If you really can’t stop trying to understand then Lundy Bancroft’s books are excellent, and Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing From Narcissistic Abuse.