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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice on what to do- Potentially break up?

3 replies

user0000000000 · 23/12/2022 19:36

Seeking advice on how to break up with my SO or at least just advice on what the best decision to make is- I’m 19M, she’s 20F. We’ve been dating for almost a year now and in that time she’s become very intertwined in my life. She began to work at my parent’s business, the same one I work at, about six months into our relationship. We have all of the same friends as a result of our respective friend groups merging into one larger friend group shortly after we began dating. She has very little family and the family she does have is crazy and abusive, so she’s taken on my family as her own to a certain degree. I can see it’s obviously very good for her mental health because, arguably for the first time in her life, she has a stable support system. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt over the fact that I have an urge to break things off for a few reasons: For one, breaking up would do away with this life that we’ve built up together, and this support system would more or less dissolve. Even if I don’t feel as strong of a connection to her anymore, I still care about her and I don’t want her to be stranded. Also, a primary motivator in my desire to break up is because of the spark just…fizzling out. At least for me. I don’t feel the same joy telling her about my day or listening to hers. I never want to have sex and we probably have sex twice a month, if that. Maybe we’re just so busy and there’s no time to get away from it all and reflect on why this works. Or why it doesn’t. At any rate, I just don’t feel the same sync I used to. We both are full time university students, she works one job and I work two. If I were to break up with her or even bring up the state of our relationship, it would take her completely by surprise. As far as I know, everything to her is fine.

OP posts:
category12 · 23/12/2022 19:45

Just be as gentle as you can about it. You're only 19, some relationships just don't have staying power. It may be that you can become friends afterwards, given time, if you both want that.

Are you interested in someone else? If you are, be sensitive but honest if and when you start dating a new person. Don't sneak around.

Opentooffers · 23/12/2022 19:50

Your 19, she's 20 - if having sex 1-2 x a month has passed her by, she's got her head in the sand. While I was at uni probably every other day was more like it.
It's a lot of pressure to entwine yourselves to that degree in the first year.
Your friends can work it out for themselves after, they don't have to take sides.
Just tell her you don't feel the same about things, the longer you drag it out, the worse it will be. Maybe after Xmas as its so close - unless Xmas plans involve family, as that's just awkward.

minticecreamisjustok · 23/12/2022 20:01

Be open with your parents, don't let it be a surprise to them so you have support with the working situation, although don't let them influence you into staying with her. As for your gf just be truthful and kind about it as you can.

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