50, single, and dating is the pits!

[EMGEMG]

I turned 50 a few months ago and so far, I'm enjoying it. My 40s were horrendous for many reasons (including a traumatic end to a relationship which triggered chronic term mental and physical health issues, racism at work, bullying at work and more!), so I was very glad to leave that decade behind.

I'm feeling ready to start dating again - I haven't done it since meeting my ex-partner in 2015.

I know quite a few women who have left their husbands / long-term partners over the last 2 years, and some have gone into happier relationships after meeting really nice men on dating apps. I'm genuinely glad for them. They deserve to be happy.

I've never been the kind of person who's easily gone into relationships, and have spent most of my life single as a result. When I did settle down with someone (who turned out to be a liar), his behaviour ruined my life. So you can imagine, my faith in online dating is sub-zero.

Plus, apps are pretty expensive nowadays, and all of them seem to be laden with even more idiots than I remember (you know, with the ghosting, false profiles, arrogance, etc)! A younger man relentlessly pursued me via an app recently, begging for sex so I blocked him. I mean, he was clearly desperate - so not flattering!

Another conversation via the app seemed to flow really nicely, but he literally blocked me or deleted his profile in mid-conversation. Utterly and totally bonkers.

It's really hard work, yet friends seem to be meeting really good men online. It feels impossible to me and I refuse to lower my standards again, like last time.

Also, I live in a small-ish coastal town. It's brilliant for my wellbeing - I love it here, but it's terrible for dating options. I can't travel far to meet men for dates due to my chronic health issue (ME). Another barrier😧

This has turned into a rant, rather than a request for advice! I don't think there's a solution! But it'd be really good to hear other people's stories and thoughts about dating while dealing with life's complications and the dreaded dating apps...

And Merry Christmas!

There's a bunch of those best avoided on such sites (the stock). Better people come along (the flow) and are those you need to 'snap up'. But, most do seem to struggle with this!

You can use most of the apps like Tinder, Bumble, etc, without paying. You can chat to people if you match. You do need a thick skin and a healthy dose of cynicism, and there are plenty of idiots to trawl through, but there are good men out there too.

You do hear of people who meet a life partner on their first or second date from a site, but plenty of others take a lot longer.

If I were you - and I will be at some point, just taking some time out of it at the moment as got loads of stuff to sort out. I'd stick to the payed sites. I've dabbled with both over the years and on balance payed sites are much better if after a relationship, whereas free sites can be OK for flings, but there's a lot of chaff to sort through on those - so much - and more people use them as an easy hookup as it's free.

Thanks for your interesting replies!
There are sooo many idiots on the apps. I don't really have a thick skin when it comes to looking for romance - it feels as if the kindness and fun of it all has largely evaporated since I last dated.
But I'll probably save up some money and pay for a paid-for app where people are going to be more committed to finding a relationship.😊

Good on you for trying. Fellow ME sufferer here. I'm too exhausted to try just now. And I'm not sure I want to risk the emotional upheaval of meeting someone even though I would love to. Feels safer to not try... though I feel sad I'm nearly 50 and alone.

I'm sorry but am totally with you. I've recently come out of (early) menopause too, and I'm doing better nowadays (I think the menopause and ME symptoms were mixed in together). I turned 50 earlier in the year - it was a turning point for me, so I thought it was worth getting back out there. But I get to tired using screens, I end up giving up really quickly.
It's triggering for the old anxiety too.
I also unexpectedly fell for a male friend last year, who's unavailable, but it was a catalyst for trying to find someone who's actually ready to date!
Blimey, eh?

I may be wrong but I honestly think the people finding decent men on the apps are either very very lucky (and in the minority) or are not picky. There seems to be way more women (and men) who struggle with the apps than there are having success. So, this really is normal unfortunately. I have given them up for good as they did absolutely nothing for my mental health and confidence.

Hi @EMGEMG, paid for Tinder for 3 months, had a couple of dates but the guys were well flakey with very intermittent texting. You could tell they were multiple dating and just hedging. Now half way through a 6 month Match subscription and it's no better. I get between 1-5 guys message daily (depending on holidays time etc) and 95% I decline to message back, had about 3 dates but no luck so far. I'm late 50s by the way. Don't lower your standards and good luck.

@EMGEMG Blimey indeed!

You're cheering me up though. I have hope that menopause might pass and I'll feel a bit better. I'm definitely going through that too.

I do admire you. I mean getting back out there is good! I'm just rotting away it seems. All my energy is spent on work and my child. (Single parent).

I fell for someone via OLD a good while ago and massively got my heart broken so I'm a bit bruised still. I don't think I bounce back quickly anymore. I think I feel vulnerable because of my illness.

Totally understand. When you have limited energy reserves, you simply can't do it all. I think ME, menopause, and being a single parent is one tough combo, and with heartbreak on top of that, it's hard!

Although I posted about dating, having a partner is not guarantee to happiness (it can make life a lot more stressful actually), so being single can be a very good thing.

Main thing -take care of yourself.

x

Bloody hell. It's nuts isn't it? Sorry that you're going through all of that hassle.

Yes, I agree. But surely by not being picky means you're going down a road to misery? I know a lot of people who met lovely men on Tinder and Match - they know women who've met great men on the apps too! All second marriages/ partnerships. I used to assume this sort of thing was extremely rare, but I'm no longer so sure. Which makes me feel really crap actually.

Send messages to those you like, and don't respond to anyone whose reply doesn't blow your socks off. It's only hard work if you keep engaging with challenging people, but that's just general life-wisdom and applies everywhere. Make things easier for yourself; you can't expect it to just 'be easy', and nobody's going to make it easier for you.

Hear what you're saying, but I don't expect it to be easy - but neither do I expect it to be massively populated with idiots. The vast majority I match with do not reply to my messages (and, yes, I've read those flippin' tutorials on sending engaging messages), and I already don't engage with men I have little or no interest in. This slims down my chances of success to a VERY narrow margin. Which is very disheartening.
Like I said in my original post, I'm ranting a bit, as I realise no one has the answer. If anyone did, they'd be extraordinarily wealthy from writing the book, making the movie and then some!😃

Surely a very narrow margin is a good thing? The world and OLD are populated by idiots, whether you like it or not, and a narrow margin will filter more of those out. If you're looking for a partner, the ideal would be that you only respond to one person, and they're your mate in the future. You don't get a narrower margin than that, and that would be a good thing.

The reason nobody has made a million by publishing the right answer isn't because it's too complicated for anybody to have discovered, it's because it's a one-line piece of advice that people follow: don't engage with anyone you don't think is amazing. It's really very simple, and will save you lots of time and energy and ranting if you follow it. You're currently making your life hard, and it's in your hands to make it easier. Take responsibility, rather than lamenting the state of OLD.

When was the last time you met someone you thought was amazing? It's incredibly rare. And it's why I'm almost 51 and single. So, age IS part of the issue - no doubt about that. You simply don't meet as many people as you do as a younger person. So you meet fewer men. Because you're meeting fewer men you're less likely to meet and engage with someone who's 'amazing'. It's just not realistic. It's very tough. Which is why there is in fact a big podcast and book market about dating...

How have the last 6 months been date wise @EMGEMG ?

I'm not looking but have met a couple of decent men in their 50s recently whom had relationship breakdowns and are single.

IRL not online clearly.

Just talk to people. Everyone you meet.

I feel your pain OP. I’m over 50 and been single over 3 years.
Im very social and chatty out and about big just don’t seem to meet anyone.

As for OLD - it’s been grim. Lots of likes and quite a few matches but I seem to attract the men who are looking for sex talk within a couple of days or who are monosyllabic.

I am very comfortable with myself and confident so I’m ok with being single but I just didn’t expect it to be this hard

*but don’t seem to meet anyone

I find it odd when I read these messages about the difficulty dating after 50 because, despite being on the surface fat, 53, a single parent, I forget that I am and strum feel 24.
So I forget that it's meant to be hard.