Husband just does not listen

[User11122]

Sorry I just have to vent as I feel like this is putting a huge strain on the relationship. Been married 4 years, always had problems with DH listening. When I am talking to him, most of the time he is not listening, head is elsewhere. I end up repeating what I've said 2 or 3 times. Sometimes, he won't respond at all even when he had been listening.

I have communicated this to him and said if he cannot engage in a convo at that time for whatever reason, just say 'hold on let me do this', then it'll save me from just talking to a brick wall. After this he tried to make an effort to listen first time but went back to his old ways. I have seen him do this to others as well and someone suggested his brother does the same. As you can imagine over time this has become more annoying and hard to deal with.

This morning ticked me right off the edge, we have a 9 month old I am a FTM. I try my hardest to establish a set routine as babies need them with regards to feeding/eating/sleeping. I got baby into a good routine and have drilled this routine into DH head lots of times. If LO does not have his milk at the time he should, it impacts his next meal time. My baby isn't the biggest milk drinker/eater, 25th centile. So this morning DH woke up with baby, and spent 2 hours trying feeding him a bottle (why). As he was still trying to feed him milk during his breakfast slot, my LO refused his breakfast. Now missing this slot for a meal. I was fuming because I've said it over and over again to him. And I'm just fed up and sad.

Sorry for the vent and thankyou whoever read the whole thing.

My DH is exactly the same (and his bothers, and father)

I don’t have any great tips, other than sometimes I make him stop and look me in the eye while I tell him it is important, then get him to relay it back to me. Infantile I know, but if it really is important this is seemingly the most effective route I have found so far.

this trait is especially tough when you’re dealing with babies , do what you need to be selfish OP. Maybe ‘forget’ to tell him you’re off out by yourself for a few hours tomorrow

Thankyou! I have tried the whole relay it back to me and he has said I treat him like a child and am patronising. He is great with baby, but yes I honestly just wanted to disappear this morning and instead he has.

"Are you listening to me?" Before
"What did I just say?" After
That's the only way I can be sure with my DH. He knows he's hopeless though, so usually doesn't mind!

For me more annoying is when he listens to half of what I've said, puts it back together in the wrong order and fills in the blanks with stuff he's made up. Drives me crazy.

No advice…..but you’re 100% not alone.

That made me laugh! Filling in the blanks😂that would drive me insane!

I lived with someone like this once, the lack of respect drove me nuts. Its a complete disregard of anyone elses need to be heard and is rude and selfish. IMO They CAN actually help it (otherwise there would be a whole lot of unemplyed people around) but choose not to with the people who they don’t believe are worthy of listening to.

My DH can be similar, distractability during conversations. He thinks he can do or listen to 2 things at once and that may have been true once upon a time but not as he gets older. I've done a lot of research into ADHD, he agrees he may have it and his traits fit the bill. The great thing is there are lots of ways to improve communication if that's the issue, and just knowing that's probably the case with him has helped me calm down and cut him a bit more slack, we have fewer blow up arguments as a result. He does accept it though and tries to work with me on it if I give him tips. I think if he was mostly pig-headed we'd have major issues.

My OH can be exactly the same, to everyone! Including the kids. Drives me nuts! His dad is the same. It's really not great and can be very testing as well as immensely frustrating!

My DH is exactly like this, except he insists he's listening. Which is maddening. Anyway, he is on the waiting list to be assessed for ADHD. He has a lot of traits and of course agrees so for the ball rolling for diagnosis (it's a long wait though!).

We have started to notice patterns of when his phases of not listening start. It's usually when he's overwhelmed with work. It tips him over the edge. We have two young kids, so of course home life is absolutely chaotic most of the time. I need him to be on the ball but a lot of times he's not. I feel your pain. I don't have any tips as we are still figuring it out, we just end up arguing a lot. Or rather me getting angry. I'm slowly working on trying not to get angry, and instead try and help him, but it's work in progress.

Its nice to hear I'm not alone..!! Even though it isn't easy to live with

I think it's a man thing. X

Look up George Simon on you tube, his book is Wolf in sheep's Clothing. The odds are that your husband knows exactly what he is doing. You're being taken for a ride.

Some very funny comments on here particularly about the husband who reassembles the order of comments and makes up the gaps

On the flip side I went out with a woman many years ago who talked incessantly so it just became white noise and I usually missed the odd important thing. It didn't last long

When I say to my husband "You never listen", he replies "Eh??" Oh, the wit
Sometimes he's missed out on meals/drinks/sex/money from me because he wasn't listening. I don't bother about it.
Married 42 years.

I lived with this for years. It felt disrespectful because he felt his time was more important than mine. Plus he only half remembered what I said, so sometimes ended up getting the wrong end of the stick. Or denied that I’d ever told him in the first place.

I would suggest you follow up/replace these conversations with a text. Also write your baby’s feeding schedule and put it somewhere like the fridge.

You shouldn’t have to do that, I know. It’s just putting more of the mental load on you, but until you find a long term solution it’s just a stop gap.

Its incredibly demeaning and only breeds resentment.

Have you guys got a camera in my house…..hmmm these all sound very familiar 🤣🤣🤣

I say my DH’s name and get him to look at me not his phone it works about 40% of the time.

Making a list of my DD feed/nap times on the fridge didn’t work as he didn’t look at it!

I think a lot of it’s weaponised incompetence, he then plays the dumb card and says I didn’t know that !! Drives me crazy

Haha these have made me laugh! And I've actually tried a few of the suggestions such as allowing him to put his phone down or look at me so I know he is engaged. And yes I wrote down babies schedule yesterday on a piece of paper😆!