DH, DFIL, and grieving

[ColdAndSuch]

My DH lost his DM about four years ago. It was devastating, she wasn’t even 60, and had a very aggressive form of cancer which was dismissed by several doctors until it was too late.

DFIL and DMIL had been together since they were both 19 and by DH’s own account, were totally obsessed with each other. He has said that as a child, their household was about his parents being a couple, firstly, and then the kids and them being a family, secondly. This has come out as DH and I have been in therapy together - successfully - for some time.

DH has never really grieved his Mum’s passing nor had the space to do so as - understandably- his father totally fell apart. The entire focus was on supporting his Dad. What gets to me is his dad has never ever once asked DH or his siblings how they are coping and acknowledged that they have lost their Mum. It’s all been about him losing his partner, his grief, and how he doesn’t want to go on (which he has said several times prompting DH to drop everything and drive over to his dad’s to look after him).
DFIL had several months of grief counselling which he found really good, and then lockdown hit.
DFIL is 65 and this could continue for another 20 - 30 years. I’m angry and resentful about how he still has not asked,
not once, how any of his kids are coping. The answer is: poorly, at best. They’re all traumatised. It’s totally fucked DH up and is one of the reasons we are in counselling (and was the cause of a brief break up earlier this year).

not sure what my aim is for posting but after another incident of DH driving over to see his Dad because he had run out of food and didn’t “have the energy” to go to the shops (I genuinely think this is bordering on learned helplessness), I’m at a loss.

or maybe I am just being a cold hearted cow?

No doubt the years of conditioning results in this behaviour from your DH.

sadly he needs it spelling out to him. Whether he listens to whoever tells him is another matter.

My DH, when I ask how he isn’t livid with his Dad, sort of shrugs but does acknowledge the situation is appalling.

I am genuinely worried I am going to snap one day and end up saying something to his Dad. I understand how grief is complex and can make you come across as selfish but this beggars belief.

This is an incredibly tough situation. At some point, your FIL is going to need some encouragement (I hesitate to say 'tough love') to make progress as it's clearly getting out of hand if it's having these kinds of wider effects on others.

Similarly, your DH may have to acknowledge that his DF is not going to be a source of support in his ongoing grief, and he must find the best closure he can through another way, with the support of his therapist.

You all have my sympathy. The question you may have to consider is whether your departed DMIL would want everyone in their family to live a kind of half life wracked with grief, or whether she would want them to go on and make the very best of their lives. Your DH deserves that, but getting there is going to involve some tough choices.

I think given that your father in law is relatively young and is presumably in good physical health, it's time for him to take on the difficult business of learning how to live as a widower. It's not children's job to care for their father until extreme old age hits.

It doesn't sound as if the father in law is capable of offering your husband any paternal support, which is clearly very tough for him. Maybe 2023 is the year of learning to say 'No' to him. Keeping in some sort of contact but limiting phone calls, resisting manipulative calls for help.

NB. If really worried about a parent's mental health, it is always possible to write to their GP. (The GP won't get back in touch, but are likely to attempt to make contact with the person themselves.)

Thanks all for the comments. I agree with you all.
DFIL’s physical health could be better as he just doesn’t take care of himself (eg wont drink enough, becomes dehydrated and then unsteady on his feet, and falls over). When this (the falls) happen, he wont seek treatment. Last time this happened, DH had to go and tend to him. DH is the only sibling that drives.
I got his age wrong too, he’s 63 not 65. I have colleagues the same age so he’s hardly a doddering octogenarian.

I agree with the tough love approach. DH and I are going to be looking for grief counsellors for him (DH) in the new year as we are taking a short break from our joint counselling.

I just wish DFIL would even just once ask DH how he is doing. But he won’t.

Your FIL does sound like he's been allowed to be very self absorbed here. My DF wasn't quite as bad when my DM died, but he did at one point comment that I had only lost my mum, but he'd lost his wife 😯I then asked him casually if he'd been more devastated when his mum died or his wife. My DF adored his mum - he shut up after that.

For what it's worth I am the same age as your father in law. I am working - albeit reduced hours. I run regularly and am a member of two walking groups. I feel my life has opened up after years of hard slog. For so many people this period of life is a time of new opportunity. The demands of work are ending/about to end. A great many older people are wanting to learn new things, travel and make new friendships.

Obviously if someone is depressed and grieving this isn't how they are seeing it. I'm just saying life in your sixties doesn't have to be that way.

Hi
I think you need to acknowledge the great work that you have done. Really positive that you both did that.
Your attitude towards his dad is understandable, he is self obsessed, stuck in grief and incapable of striding out and getting a new life. I think you should acknowledge your feelings to your husband but don't push pressure on him or you to fix it further. It's OK to be raging especially where you can affect the outcome.
Your husband has learned through complex grief that his dad is not who he thought he was and will not support him. He has you though and you sound brilliant. Focus on that.
I think if you both focused on yourselves without pressure to impact or change your FIL things would be better for you both. Accept he is not capable and leave at that but do have boundaries that are clear - you will support within reason.
I hope this helps, I think you are wasting energy on understandable rage when you could be focusing on yourselves more.

Let me guess did MIL do everything for FIL before she died?

My former BIL has been like this. My DSIS pretty much carried him for their entire relationship. She died and now BIL has shacked up with some other gullible fool for him to cocklodge with. Meanwhile all traces of DN mother have been erased from their home. DN has had no time to process losing his mum before the replacement was shipped in.

Thanks again all for your insightful comments.

MIL didn’t do everything for FIL, but she was unwell in various ways and FIL focussed a lot of his energy on this aspect. I think that accounts for a lot.

The comment about my DH finding out his father isn’t who he thought is (as I am too) is a really, really good point and something I haven’t considered.

Thanks to all for the comments regarding the work DH and I have put in with our counselling. It’s been…a journey; let’s say.