When do I tell I am autistic?

[XmasElf10]

I have a first date tonight with a guy I’ve been chatting to online. I’m not particularly invested but of course I hope it goes well. I am autistic. I have a great job, house, car, kid, close family and a few old friends. My life is happy but it would be good to add a boyfriend to the mix for nights out, sex. I’m happy to disclose that cohabiting isn’t something I want until my DD (currently 12) leaves home, if then.

I am also autistic. I am
clumsy, I have a few sensory issues, I like routine and clear plans, my thinking is very black and white, I don’t lie (I can manage little social lies about why I don’t want go to a party but I don’t bother even with those with close family). The big one is that I lack empathy. Not sympathy; I feel for people in trouble or pain very deeply. I care very deeply. However I cannot look at your actions or hints and understand what you mean or some underlying message. It destroyed my most recent relationship because I just didn’t understand what he meant and in the end he thought I was withdrawing from him because he wanted us to move in together but he never bloody said that in words and I didn’t understand. I had told him is was ND but not sure I ever managed to convey this issue properly (or maybe he was just a head-fuck!)

So with new guy - do I tell first date? I won’t be upset if he says he doesn’t want to date someone who is ND. However maybe it’s just an overshare. Although it seems wrong to spring it on him later!!

Do you really need to bother? Half the world is now ND it seems. It's no biggie. I would leave it

I'm not autistic but I have ADHD. I like to bring it up early as it's a pretty significant aspect of who I am. I find there's usually an opportunity to bring it up organically. For instance if he's asking me general questions about my life and my past, I might say "well I have ADHD so school was always a struggle for me". I just drop it in casually and let him ask questions if he wants. I find that if things progress, people are usually quite open in asking me questions about how it affects me.

I'd suggest not to bring it up in the context as though you're divulging a personal or shameful secret. Just keep it casual. How you talk about it will frame how others see it.

Yeah, just casually drop it in if you feel you have to

Just drop it into conversation as time goes on and you see this progressing, I think your ok for now

I'm really open about my AuDHD as it's exactly who I am. If someone thinks they won't cope, then off they go.

I just want to say though, you don't lack empathy at all from what you've said. Your ex partner wasn't direct with you and expected you to just know what's up. Not going to happen!

Yeah that doesn't sound like a lack of empathy tbh.
(I'm autistic fwiw)
It might be useful to think about language to describe what you struggle with, so that when you're ready to talk about it, the person you tell understands what you mean.
I've heard people talk about things like differences in social imagination, or difficulty interpreting social cues.
But I like the double empathy ideas - they make sense to me. So I might say that I might struggle to understand someone who isn't autistic unless they state things clearly.

From what you've written, it's sounds mild, and the fact you have a good job and home you are self sufficient? No human is perfect it's just about finding someone compatible as that doesn't mind our quirks. I probably wouldn't mention before the date but rather let him judge to see if he likes you on the date, besides he may not be right for you!

Would it of worked with the ex anyway? You've stated that you don't want to live with someone at least until your DD leaves home. Given that not living together is why you see the last relationship ended, it would of ended if he had asked as you would of said no. It is possible that he plucked out a reason to end things as an excuse, some men do this to cover up their real reason for going (such as finding someone else). That is the headf**k part.
Anyway, currently, I'd say tell him when you feel ready. You don't have to on a first date, pointless if there isnt a 2nd date. You might as well tell him if it turns into a few dates, tell them the upside - you can't lie, that's a bonus in anyone's book.

Coming from someone who was the other person- I wouldn't tell him, yet. My now-husband assumed I knew (we attended the same college) before we started dating but I had no idea. I'm glad I didn't as I was very ignorant on what being ND was and what a huge spectrum it is. Getting to know who he actually was rather than who I would have assumed he was were two very different things. When I did find out I was taken aback at first, then realised it meant very little, as I'd fallen for him and it wasn't an issue.

I would tell him and try to be clear about what it means. It will help him to understand any behaviour you have which is, well, diverse.

We’re so conditioned to perceive a neurodiversity as wrong that we often take the blame for things when the fault lies just as much with the NT person. We don’t tend to describe an inability to modify their social communication as a deficit, but it is one.

Don’t go into the dating pool with the attitude that you’re somehow less than, or a problem. Go with the attitude that you’re searching for a partner who will be a good fit with you; one who is capable of accommodating someone who is a little bit complex but wonderful nonetheless.

Drop it in the conversation on the first date but don't get too deep about your last relationship ending over it that's too much.

But it is a big deal to the OP, and ASD does change communications and relationships.

OP I would say when you feel comfortable, maybe after a few dates if you think it's going somewhere.

You might need to say it one day but you sound very self aware. Initially I think its enough to talk about how you work. E.g. if you're having trouble understanding what he means you can say 'Can I ask you to explain it really plainly, I don't really 'get' things if they aren't spelled out in black and white'.

Thanks all, sounds like it’s not something I HAVE to tell on date 1 (e.g. you ought to say if you are married). I think I’ll wait until it comes up naturally. You are right in that it may not go anywhere anyway 😁

I wouldn't say you don't have empathy (at least based on your ex partner situation). Just that you struggle with putting yourself in other people's shoes when you aren't told what they are thinking. You don't always pick up on body language clues ect...

I'm sure if someone you love feels upset and tells you this, then you feel bad too right? You worry for them? Then you have empathy.

You don't need to mention it at all. DH is autistic, but we had no idea until DS was diagnosed twenty years after we met. You either get on and can tolerate each other's foibles or you can't.