Wondering if DH is autistic

[Poinsettia12]

Will try to keep brief. Our DS receiving a recent diagnosis of autism has (also with other things) made me wonder if DH is autistic too. By now after the long process with DS I feel l have a pretty good idea of what to look for in children, but I'm not sure of presentation in adults (other than of course to know that it varies absolutely hugely). Listing a few examples of things that make me wonder here (roughly speaking the most notable first).
-Often does not seem to 'read' the social cues for a conversation. Most striking when e.g. at an appointment relating to DS (doctor or nursery review chat) where the agenda is more for the other person to set, but DH often ends up sort of steering the whole thing. Through wfh together in lockdown I noticed he seems to do this on work calls too, or if he has a job interview he will have the tendency to try and steer it all.
-In social situations (particularly big groups) he sometimes just totally zones out to the point of coming across as very rude. However not always - he can be very charming socially and he is also really good at remembering details that people told him ages ago which of course is always appreciated. He would openly say that he doesn't like large groups. We both have big families but Christmas ends up being spent largely just us, mostly driven by DH preferences.
-Seems to need very long windows of time to himself, often difficult with DS (and we have another DC), but gets very frustrated if he can't spend a couple of hours in the weekend morning just reading articles or whatever. Not very flexible on that
-I guess he can get a bit obsessive about certain topics, but perhaps also just as an intelligent, interested person. He is obsessive about finances and will look at bank balances several times a day.
-Extremely stubborn and black/white on certain things, has led him to fall out with family members quite often. Although at the same time if I let him know something he does which upsets me, he takes it on board pretty well and never gets sensitive about anything like that.
-Goes through periods of struggling a lot with stress/ anxiety. Life is quite hard at the moment but it seems to hit him particularly so.

Writing them down it doesn't seem like much I suppose (not in comparison to DC) but I guess I'm wondering whether to gently encourage him to look into it further, or just to help myself perceive him a bit different (and have more patience with certain things perhaps). Interested for any thoughts. I did meet a couple of parents at DS's school (one mum one dad, separate families) who both ended up getting diagnosed after their DCs, and aside from the list above I guess that DS's diagnosis is the biggest thing that's made me wonder.

I dont think it is for you to "gently encourage" another adult to look into whether they are autistic or not! ANd I do know that the more you think about autistic traits the more you see them everywhere. How would you respond if he approached you today to "gently encourage" you to look into the possibility that you might be autistic?

The discussion is about both of you or neither of you

@Nimbostratus100 I think I'd be open to it (although I doubt he find any examples at all, we are extremely different). I know he does get frustrate that he finds things like big groups hard, I think he does have the sense he's different in some way and I guess I was thinking maybe it could help him in some way. But I take your points, fair enough.

maybe you are right, and maybe it would help him, I just get concerned that this becomes almost weaponised as an accusation - I look after autistic children so I see it quite a lot.

If a child is autistic, it's very likely one or both parents are too. It isn't a disease that just springs out of nowhere and it's definitely not something to be ashamed of that you can't bring to your own husband, unless you don't have that type of relationship with him where you can't even say "I wonder if we..."

Those traits alone wouldn't exactly ring a bell but when you look at them together from an autism perspective, they are traits but there has to be more (and they have to fit the triad of 'impairment' to meet criteria) and they have to have been there most of his life from when he was little.

There's no harm in looking but equally, there's no harm in leaving it alone if it doesn't bother anyone, most of all your husband. But it's always a good thing for people to understand why they do what they do and be aware of it (If there is indeed an explainable 'why').

I disagree with people saying it's not your place to gently encourage him.

I was diagnosed in my early 40s.

It was other people asking if I was, had considered I was and 'gently suggesting' I looked into it that made me.go for an assessment. As far as I was concerned, I was no different to anyone else because I couldn't see it. But I also knew I did things differently to a lot of other people and couldn't (still can't) fathom out a lot of NT behaviours and thinking. But I assumed the way I was was still in the 'normal' range of being.

The main thing for you to consider/be aware of is that tot isn't going to make any difference etc to who he is. His thinking won't be any less black or white; his routines won't be any less rigid; and he won't appear any less rude in social.sotuations when he 'zones out'. He won't be able to make an effort to change any of these things about himself even if he wanted to.

Also, as an adult who is functioning in daily life, he might not get a diagnosis even if he did meet the diagnostic criteria because there is no help at all for high functioning autistics so actually no benefit in a diagnosis unless he is experiencing significant difficulties and would benefit from reasonable adjustments at work.

From the examples you've put forward it sounds more like he is an introvert which sometimes, because being in a large group (or socialising in general) can be draining has poor social skills. Controlling the conversation could be because he is insecure of having free conversation which is less predictable. Or he may be autistic but if he is functioning normally in society, holding down a job etc then would there actually be any benefit in getting a diagnosis - would it change anything?

Thanks all, really helpful responses and food for thought. I think in part (knowing him well) he would probably benefit from the extra insight to his personality, if he did get a diagnosis. Maybe also to relate more to DS in a way, also if DS has the question down the line as to whether either of us also have autism? But also in part I would probably find it easier (I think) not to get frustrated because I would see it as less in her control to change than a NT DH. I am definitely aware though that that benefit (for me) should not be a driving force at all - it would have to be for himself.

It wouldn't be a particularly sensititive topic in the context of our relationship, also a logical one with DS and wondering about the genetic link etc. But on the other hand I think it is perhaps better shelved for when we are in a slightly better place, getting less frustrated with each other - I don't want it to seem like it's a reaction to that.

And yes @Singleandproud he is certainly an introvert so that could also be it.

His parents have a lot of children and are quite elderly now, they have pretty limited memory of childhood development although I know that he spoke late, and when he did it was suddenly in full sentences. Not sure about the social side of things for him growing up, think not really many obstacles.

By now after the long process with DS I feel l have a pretty good idea of what to look for in children
No you don't. You know what traits your child has. It's not one size fits all.

If I'm honest, I'm not sure why you're hyper analysing him. Everyone is different, I'm not sure why there's a huge need to put people in the neurodiverse box.

I also think the way you've described him, especially socially, is quite insulting to him. I'd be mortified if my partner was analysing me like that.

What do you gain from giving him this diagnosis? Besides trying to maybe explain your son's diagnosis? He's a grown adult who won't get any support as it's not even obvious if he's different from the average (non-perfect) person.

@ForTheLoveOfSleep i don’t think DS’s traits are the only traits, obv. I mean there’s been a long process of education and as such I have learn a lot about autism in children (and come across other children other than only DS via childcare and support groups)

@EmmaDilemma5 he wouldn’t be insulted, he’d admit he zones out himself. I assume that’s what you take exception to. Not massively insightful/ relevant to compare how you’d feel if your DH was raising the same q though , unless I’m missing something

I actually disagree with this. I have a child diagnosed at 2 with autism and I have done extensive research for the last 4 years into autism , I get hyper fixated on subjects and autism is one of them for me and I would say I'm obviously not expert I don't know everything there is to know but I certainly know way more than just my child's traits. So that's a little unfair.

I think it's very natural when u have a child diagnosed with a condition especially if there is a potential heredity link that you would see traits in ur family members and possibly yourself. I've definitely done it. And my husband has autistic traits like I do have, also adhd, which is why I'm going through adhd assessment process myself currently. Unfortunately autism on mm is a touchy subject where people get quite defensive annoyingly

@Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 I understand why you have done your own research (my daughter was also diagnosed at 2. I have posted about her on various threads) however, I would only ever trust qualified and experienced professionals regarding such a complex neurological condition. Just "being along for the ride" as your own child gets diagnosed means nothing in terms of recognising ASD in children. Neither does googling.

I'm not suggesting anyone trusts my opnion over a professional! I also have primary education degree and part of that was focused on special needs and signs of autism so I obviously had an advantage when i found signs in my daughter that and she is super obvious. But i think its unfair to suggest that when looking into autism in general and seeing triats in family members some how isn't valid because its not traits in own child.

@Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 and I think it's unfair to suggest if you've seen one autistic child/adult and googled enough then you've seen them all. Armchair diagnoses a bugbear of mine when it comes to neurological conditions and mental health as its just so dangerous.

Well it's come from somewhere. That's what we were told when ds was diagnosed anyway! Why don't you just talk about it with him, you don't need to gently encourage him into anything just say what you've noticed and see what he thinks. It's really not 'dangerous' and I have no idea why people would suggest it is. How would anyone ever get a diagnosis of anything if they weren't aware and no one else brought it up. It could really help him to understand why he is the way he is.

Well I don't trust your non professional judgement on whether or not people who have read a lot and have personal experience should be able to suspect that someone may have ASD.

I wasn't 'just along for the ride' when mine was diagnosed, I wrote pages detailing everything from birth onwards, as a result he was diagnosed at 10 in half an hour after one session with an ASD specialist (NHS).

But please do tell me how suspecting that my DH may also be autistic is 'dangerous'?

I have never suggested that! As the saying goes u have meet one autistic person. Its absolutely not dangerous. Its incredibly helpful. I am grateful for my own research and my husbands and the discussions we had in me deciding to go for an offical adhd assessment. That wouldn't have happened if I didn't research and discuss with him. And ' armchair diagnosis ' myself.

I said armchair diagnoses are dangerous. Not suspicions. Whether you like it or not you were along for the ride as this was your child's diagnosis not yours. It was YOUR choice to do the "research".

You will absolutely be the complete expert on your child's ASD (as I am on my daughter) but that means nothing in terms of diagnosing others.

But noone is claiming to be experts . She is also not diagnosing her husband she is literally just speaking out loud traits she sees. Its just thinking and discussions its will only be confirmated if they then go for an offical diagnosis in the future. There is nothing dangerous about me telling people I am undiagnosed adhder , who is waiting on a diagnosis. There is nothing dangerous about a wife thinking about traits her husband has and wondering if he is also autistic.

Gaining a greater understanding of autism following my Ds’s diagnosis has left me pretty certain I also have it. It explains so many of the difficulties I have struggled with throughout my life and in particular my childhood (now 52).
However, I have not sought diagnosis for myself. My view is the children and young people need all the resources and support they can get. These are scarce. I don’t need them. I’ve made my way and made my peace with life. I understand my weaknesses and strengths and celebrate both and have strategies to manage both. For example, I struggle so much with planning, organisation and timings. I am cooking a Christmas feast that MUST be ready for 1pm. This has been drilled into me after years of my poor family sitting down to eat hours after I’ve told them we’ll be eating. So this time it has been planned with military precision. I have printed a timeline as I am useless visualising and every single step is plotted on it.🤗

I'd like to add the comment 'just along for the ride' sounds quite insulting I'm sure u didn't mean it to come across like that. But when I realised my daughter was autistic I was 8 months pregnant with younger daughter and I spent hours researching therapy, strategies, self referring to professionals to get the support she needs. I wasn't 'just along for the ride' as I'm sure most families are not.