Son and dad relationship very strained

[teamonster34]

Our son is 14 and on the autistic spectrum. He is a lovely young man very quirky, and very different to other 14 yr old boys. He is very socialable and very popular with people - he has a very dry sense of humour and people love him - generally adults and girls (he doesn't have any male friends) . All his friendship group are girls. However he speaks his mind tells people if he doesn.t like them and will tell them the reason why (in other words he has no filter!!) so he also pisses people off but he doesn't care.

Here is the problem. He hates his dad and his dad doesn't get on with him either. To give my DH his due he does try but son just doesn't like him. When he was 3 his dad was 5 mins late to pick him up from nursery and he has held it against him ever since. He holds grudges so much -he didn't speak to my mum for 3 years because he told her he didn't like rolos and that year she got him a rolo easter egg. I try reasoning with him but he can't comprehend that people can make mistakes - because he rarely does. He likes winding my DH up to get a reaction by talking about things he knows pisses his dad off - I have told DH to ignore it as DS is doing it for a reaction but DH hates the disrespect. All of this is in response to him being forgotten 11 years ago. He also thinks his dad wanted a proper boy for a son not an autistic weirdo. I have literally tried to get them to bond or like each other for 11 years and I am now thinking is it worth it. Does it matter if they don't get on? I can see both sides. My son is autistic and different and no one can change who or what he is but my DH is embarassed by who he is and my son has fantastic intuition and at 4 years old he told me he could tell his dad didn't like him. A few times over the years my DH has tried bonding with him but as their interests are so very very different DH has given up at the first hurdle. They literally do not acknowledge other or speak - during holiday times when everyone is home - it is heartbraking to watch. Should I just admit defeat and realise they are never going to have a relationship rather than keep trying to make them gel!

Yep admit defeat. Your son won't let go of the incident when DH was a whole 5 mins late. No matter what DH does it won't help. Let them both go on with their lives. Your OH doesn't have to get on with him but I hope he has his back as with that sort of issue of holding grudges his life will be difficult.

Sounds like there’s not much you can do. It’s clearly disproportionate his hatred of your DH and after trying for years and getting nowhere I can’t blame him for backing down either and not trying anymore

I do think that part of the extra work parents have to do on social skills with many young people with autism should come in to play here.
Yes, it won't come to him automatically and will take some specific teaching, but I don't think you are doing him any favours - in terms of his social life, and in terms of his employability and relationships in the workplace in a few years time - to let him believe it is acceptable to "hold a grudge" for 11 years for something that was a normal event in everyone's life. He needs to learn that people are not automated robots, and that life is a bit flexible sometimes for reasons out of your control (or in this case his Dad's control).
I'm not dismissing that this doesn't come naturally to him, but I think it would be something worth working on.

I am going to disagree with the other posts.

You DH is the adult here and does not have the excuse of having a condition that affects his behaviour.

''My DH is embarassed by who he is and my son has fantastic intuition''

The above stood out for me. This is not just about your son punishing his father just for being a few minutes late a decade ago. But rather the fact that your boy can generally feel that your husband does not and has never accepted him and wishes he was a ''regular'' son which must heartbreaking for him. So he acts out.

It is sad that your partner is unable to love your kid just for who he is. ''DH has given up at the first hurdle'', well, there you go. A dad who really cared would have continued to try.

You say he's held a grudge against his dad for 11 years but held a grudge against his grandma for 3 years. What got him over the grudge with his grandma, how did he get past that?

You say he rarely makes mistakes but also that he frequently tells people that he doesn't like them? But he's angry that his dad "doesn't like him" (which tbh seems pretty reasonable given that he's being punished for being 5min late a decade ago). How does he square that circle?

They are not going to have the relationship that you would like them to have. My dd is ASD and her ability to hold an perceived grudge is incredible. Her brain rarely remembers nice things. It makes me sad sometimes.
The deliberately winding your dh up is his boy way of punishing dh. Maybe get firmer with a 'stop being silly'.
Your poor dh, his efforts are just unwanted.