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Relationships

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Original poster

What do I reply to the in-laws after his affair??

23 replies

Energetictriangle123 · 22/12/2022 19:56

Good Evening,

I am divorcing my husband after discovering his long-term affair (long story!).

His parents have given me a beautifully-written card outlining their sadness (but respect) regarding my decision, wishing me a happy Christmas and offering their support. The writing spans the entire card.

I wanted to write back to do the following:

To thank them for card, gift and support (both now and when we were married).
To offer any help and support.
To wish them a lovely Christmas.
To help them understand how I didn't make this decision lightly.

Has anyone done this before? Is there anything I'm missing (or need to remove) or any eloquent ways of saying the above?

Thank you x

OP posts:

xmaslurgy · 22/12/2022 19:59

Do not offer them any help or support. Yes they've been your family and in an ideal world you'd all get on well. You may find they grow distant with time as you split. And that's ok.

xmaslurgy · 22/12/2022 20:00

I personally would say something about how you will always look back of your memories with them fondly (if you will).

Sausagelove · 22/12/2022 20:01

Just thank them for the card and their support. You don’t need to make them understand your decision. Besides, it sounds like they do understand.

AnneTwackie · 22/12/2022 20:03

I’m so sorry!
I think what you want to say is fine, I would think about how much you want to be involved with them going forward though before offering help or support, however natural that feels now it will feel difficult eventually so best to set your stall

Mrshanklee · 22/12/2022 20:05

Personally I’d just send a text. Thank you for your lovely card and thoughts. It is very much appreciated. Best wishes for Christmas.

Highfivemum · 22/12/2022 20:05

How lovely of them. That must have been a hard card to write for them. Could you arrange a coffee after Christmas. ? You are not divorcing his parents and if you have DC they are still grandparents. I would send a card saying thank you for their card and thoughtful words. How appreciated it is and how this was a very hard decision for you but one that is right for you. I would then ask would they like to maybe meet for a coffee.

Morielle · 22/12/2022 20:07

Do you have kids with him?

category12 · 22/12/2022 20:07

I'd also take out the bit about offering them help and support. You're going to need to look after yourself during the divorce, and you may not always have the mental or practical resources to spare for them.

And it's his job to help his parents.

I'd say you appreciate them welcoming you into the family, that sort of thing.

Oopsiedaisyy · 22/12/2022 20:13

If your DH continues his relationship with his affair, then she will be welcomed into his family, and regardless of the reasons for the split you will be his ex partner and I would think contact will drop and cease

Holly60 · 22/12/2022 20:17

Oopsiedaisyy · 22/12/2022 20:13

You can have family of all shapes and sizes. You have no idea what his parents are like, from the evidence we have they sound very very lovely. What is it from OP's post that makes you think they don't want to stay in touch?

Holly60 · 22/12/2022 20:18

xmaslurgy · 22/12/2022 19:59

Do not offer them any help or support. Yes they've been your family and in an ideal world you'd all get on well. You may find they grow distant with time as you split. And that's ok.

OP intimates that they have helped her in the past - why shouldn't she return the care and offer to help them?

They are not their son, what he did is not their fault.

Byfleet · 22/12/2022 20:22

What a lovely thing for them to have done. I disagree that you are likely to grow distant from them. Even if your ex establishes a settled relationship with someone else you will always be the mother of their grandchildren.

Sending a card is much nicer than a text and say everything you mention in your OP. However, don’t offer help and support. You will need to look after yourself for a while, and perhaps your own parents. It is your ex who is responsible for helping them.

Original poster

Energetictriangle123 · 22/12/2022 20:22

Thank you for all your advice so far - It is really greatly appreciated.

Just to clarify; we don't have children and the affair ended 9 months before I discovered it. My in-laws are both genuinely lovely and have always been so supportive. For some reason I've always been overly anxious about how to interact with them and have come across as socially awkward (long story too).

OP posts:

Byfleet · 22/12/2022 20:24

Sorry OP, I thought you had children. Even so, you will always have a place in their memories and they sound like the kind of people who don’t drop people.

MayThe4th · 22/12/2022 20:27

I never understand why people feel the need to be hostile to their ex’s family, almost to the extent that people are criticised for maintaining a relationship with ex’s family because how dare they because “they’re not your family any more.”

My ILs are lovely people and we have always maintained a good relationship. They pop in to see me when they visit my eXH, mil calls me for a chat a lot, in the beginning it could have been argued that they maintained a relationship with me because of my DC and the fact that DC saw so little of their father that contact between them and ILs had to be facilitated by me. But DC are grown up now and we still have an excellent relationship.

Clearly people feel the need to project their own bitter experiences on these threads.

OP your card sounds perfect. Yes perhaps the relationship will change over time, but that doesn’t mean that you just cut it off now when you have a decent relationship with these people.

category12 · 22/12/2022 20:29

Holly60 · 22/12/2022 20:18

OP intimates that they have helped her in the past - why shouldn't she return the care and offer to help them?

They are not their son, what he did is not their fault.

Show quote history

Because it's too easy to offer in a rush of gratitude and appreciation, and later find you can't live up to your promises and feel guilty about it.

OP's about to go through a divorce, and presumably has her own family commitments. She's the wounded party here and needs to take care of herself, not others. She needs time to heal, and may find at some point she herself needs time & space from them.

There's nothing to say she can't make the offer down the line if things stay amicable and they all stay in touch, but she doesn't need to create a sense of obligation for herself at this point.

Also, it's about resetting dynamics - often women take on caring roles for family members, including their in-laws, and she needs to let go of that role in their lives.

RememberNancyDrew · 22/12/2022 20:31

I would just thank them for the lovely card and wish them Merry Christmas and that's it.

xmaslurgy · 22/12/2022 20:46

category12 · 22/12/2022 20:29

Because it's too easy to offer in a rush of gratitude and appreciation, and later find you can't live up to your promises and feel guilty about it.

There's nothing to say she can't make the offer down the line if things stay amicable and they all stay in touch, but she doesn't need to create a sense of obligation for herself at this point.

Also, it's about resetting dynamics - often women take on caring roles for family members, including their in-laws, and she needs to let go of that role in their lives.

Show quote history

Yes this is exactly it. I wouldn't give hope of a relationship when it may turn out that OP wants to drift away

FuckConvoGiveMeAForest · 22/12/2022 20:53

They sound lovely 💕

whynotwhatknot · 22/12/2022 21:01

that was nice of them-remember though at the end of the day hes their son they will always put him first

it happend with my dsis inlaws all about offering elp and support they in the end said theyre son needed them and stopped contact

DogInATent · 22/12/2022 21:06

To help them understand how I didn't make this decision lightly.
Umm, I'd deflect this back onto the fallout of his decision to have the affair, and that any sadness should be felt for their son having put you and they in the position where these letters are being written.

healthadvice123 · 22/12/2022 21:14

Sounds fine and only you know them
My nan divorced my grandad but still stayed close to his parents and eventually even mixed with my grandad and new partner in family situations
But was kids and grandkids involved so maybe this helped
But not all families have zero relationships with ex partners etc if relationship was good to begin with

Honeyroar · 22/12/2022 21:22

I stayed close to my ex’s parents. They were lovely and supported me, not him, following his affair. They have had 20 years of unpleasantness from the woman he had the affair with and her mother (he went onto marry her) because she said she didn’t approve of how they got together. We still exchange Xmas cards 20+ years on.

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