Let's share our stories of...

lookingforafantasy · 2022-12-22T19:30:31+00:00

Being with someone you thought was *the one* who actually turned out to be a massive nob head, and then breaking up and finally meeting someone wonderful? I've come out of a toxic/abusive relationship and the trauma bond is reaaaal! The intensity and the highs and lows make me think I'll never find someone else who has such an effect on me (which is bloody stupid!) but I'm looking forward to healing in the new year and hopefully getting my happy ending one day. So, tell me, who were you with, why didn't it work and how much better is your current relationship? Give a slightly hopeless woman some hope please 😂😂❤️

YoSofi · 22/12/2022 20:03

I can’t give you help yet, still firmly stuck in that fucking trauma bond, but it is getting easier and easier…we split in the summer so I’m hopeful that I’ll be much better in the new year!

Original poster

lookingforafantasy · 22/12/2022 20:21

YoSofi · 22/12/2022 20:03

I can’t give you help yet, still firmly stuck in that fucking trauma bond, but it is getting easier and easier…we split in the summer so I’m hopeful that I’ll be much better in the new year!

Honestly it's so bloody hard isn't it! We split in august too. I'm hearing stories of him moving on with multiple women etc and I'm 13 days no contact at the moment so hoping that breaks the cycle. How you doing?

OP posts:

HerReputationMadeItDifficultToProceed · 22/12/2022 20:44

This is me for sure. First love who I thought was love of my life... just everything I wanted and dreamt about from childhood onwards. Literary and scholarly and really clever in all the areas I was similarly clever in. He was an English teacher and I was an English student who had ambitions to teach or lecture in the subject. He would quote Shakespeare to me while we walked hand in hand on the park, recite whole sonnets as we cooked in his kitchen drinking fine wines and being all sophisticated. We would finish each others sentences and loved all the same books and films and plays... I really felt that it wasn't just that we were soulmates but our bookcases were too.

But as time went on it became clear that what I'd initially seen as worldly sophistication was pretentious arseholeness. He eventually cheated on me and he also had a pretty serious temper and drink problem that were arguably more of an issue than the shagging around. But he broke my heart.

A few years on I met my now DH, a man who knows as much about Shakespeare as I know about his areas of expertise- which is not a lot. He's a natural scientist, writes papers about species of spiders and our bookcases would never even get talking in a pub, let alone be soulmates. And yet somehow he and I are just perfect for one another. No one has ever made me laugh or think or feel as comfortable as he does, and did from the first day we met. He's a legend. Ten years married now and I still feel genuinely lucky every day that he's mine.

It's not what I thought perfect would look like, but it's absolutely brilliant.

YoSofi · 22/12/2022 20:48

No contact is absolutely the way to go. It really is. And don’t worry about him moving on, they’ll be getting the same version of him that you got and he doesn’t sound like a prize.

Im actually ok! I didn’t think I’d ever say that. This man verbally abused me, smashed my things up, stopped me going out or having social media, would walk out every week and block me then come back. He left for 2 months once and was in another relationship the whole time. That was the point I got my shit together, had some therapy and cut him off.

Hes turned up at my house, popped up again last week telling me how he was lost without me, crying, he missed me, never loved anyone like he loved me.

I’m so ashamed that I used to beg for him to come back, but the good times were SO good I was addicted to him and the cycle continued.

He’s a very damaged individual, I pity him because he’ll never be happy. No going back, one day at a time.

Have you got real life support? X

Original poster

lookingforafantasy · 22/12/2022 20:50

HerReputationMadeItDifficultToProceed · 22/12/2022 20:44

This is me for sure. First love who I thought was love of my life... just everything I wanted and dreamt about from childhood onwards. Literary and scholarly and really clever in all the areas I was similarly clever in. He was an English teacher and I was an English student who had ambitions to teach or lecture in the subject. He would quote Shakespeare to me while we walked hand in hand on the park, recite whole sonnets as we cooked in his kitchen drinking fine wines and being all sophisticated. We would finish each others sentences and loved all the same books and films and plays... I really felt that it wasn't just that we were soulmates but our bookcases were too.

But as time went on it became clear that what I'd initially seen as worldly sophistication was pretentious arseholeness. He eventually cheated on me and he also had a pretty serious temper and drink problem that were arguably more of an issue than the shagging around. But he broke my heart.

A few years on I met my now DH, a man who knows as much about Shakespeare as I know about his areas of expertise- which is not a lot. He's a natural scientist, writes papers about species of spiders and our bookcases would never even get talking in a pub, let alone be soulmates. And yet somehow he and I are just perfect for one another. No one has ever made me laugh or think or feel as comfortable as he does, and did from the first day we met. He's a legend. Ten years married now and I still feel genuinely lucky every day that he's mine.

It's not what I thought perfect would look like, but it's absolutely brilliant.

This was really lovely to read, thank you, and I am so happy you've found your perfect man!

OP posts:

Original poster

lookingforafantasy · 22/12/2022 20:52

YoSofi · 22/12/2022 20:48

No contact is absolutely the way to go. It really is. And don’t worry about him moving on, they’ll be getting the same version of him that you got and he doesn’t sound like a prize.

Im actually ok! I didn’t think I’d ever say that. This man verbally abused me, smashed my things up, stopped me going out or having social media, would walk out every week and block me then come back. He left for 2 months once and was in another relationship the whole time. That was the point I got my shit together, had some therapy and cut him off.

Hes turned up at my house, popped up again last week telling me how he was lost without me, crying, he missed me, never loved anyone like he loved me.

I’m so ashamed that I used to beg for him to come back, but the good times were SO good I was addicted to him and the cycle continued.

He’s a very damaged individual, I pity him because he’ll never be happy. No going back, one day at a time.

Have you got real life support? X

Totally relate to so much of this. I've had the police involved and he was arrested for stalking, harassment, coercive control etc but was released on bail. He broke his bail conditions blah blah blah, smashed my car up, tried to break in, tried to kill me, all that good stuff.

But like you say, the passion that I felt was in our relationship is what was/is so addictive. Knowing that he was OBSESSED with me and "would die for me" (quoted) made me feel a sense of love that I hadn't felt before. He got my name tattooed on him only 4 weeks ago (when we had already been separated for months) so I wonder what his new girls think of seeing my name...

OP posts:

YoSofi · 22/12/2022 20:56

lookingforafantasy · 22/12/2022 20:52

Totally relate to so much of this. I've had the police involved and he was arrested for stalking, harassment, coercive control etc but was released on bail. He broke his bail conditions blah blah blah, smashed my car up, tried to break in, tried to kill me, all that good stuff.

But like you say, the passion that I felt was in our relationship is what was/is so addictive. Knowing that he was OBSESSED with me and "would die for me" (quoted) made me feel a sense of love that I hadn't felt before. He got my name tattooed on him only 4 weeks ago (when we had already been separated for months) so I wonder what his new girls think of seeing my name...

Show quote history

These trauma bonds are great aren’t they?!

I watched a lot of YouTube videos and did a lot of reading on it all in the early days, that helped a lot.

I had to look at myself and what had happened previously in my life to make me accept his behaviour, that was uncomfortable but there was so much support from the ladies here. It really is one day at a time, I just knew that if I let him back again nothing would change, I was just kicking the can down the road.

Olivia199 · 22/12/2022 21:16

Okay so slightly different from what you're after but it's my happy ending so here goes.

I met someone who I was absolutely certain was the love of my life. We fit in every possible way. Of course there were difficulties but there are in any relationship right?
We got engaged and planned our wedding. I bought my dress and everything was perfect until a few weeks before.
He'd seemed off for a couple days but I'd just started uni to retrain so assumed it was all just adjustment. I had just finished my first day of placement and I came home to find him grumpy and non communicative.

Eventually he told me he'd changed his mind on a fundamental. He no longer wanted children. I did so he was leaving.
Packed his stuff and left an hour or so later.

Let me in our two bed home, with cats, when I was at university. Three months left on the rent I couldn't pay. Zero money of my student loan left and nowhere to go. And of course, totally and completely heartbroken with a wedding to cancel.

Figured it out eventually as you do. Moved somewhere cheaper (and kept the cats!). Finished university and qualified. Started my new role and loved it.

Little things started creeping in. Those little problems I didn't think were any different to what anyone had? Big difference. They were unworkable and unmanageable but at the time I didn't see it. I couldn't see it.

Realised my happy ever after didn't necessarily include a partner.

Got myself a lovely home, settled in a good job and pursued IVF with a donor to have my DD who's now 15 months.

I am the happiest I have ever been. I never thought it got better than what I had with him but in hindsight, so many things were better. But what I've got now? I wouldn't change it for the whole world.

I love every single part of my life and I've never felt more like me. Maybe I'll meet someone one day, maybe I won't. But all I know is my family right here is the most perfect life I could have imagined for myself. Even if it wasn't textbook.

Olivia199 · 22/12/2022 21:21

It's so easy to feel as if the lows were just part of these highs and you'll never find one without the other or without him. But those lows, they're so much more than we think and so much less than we deserve.

Hindsight gave me glaring clarity on some of the actions, reactions and behaviours that'd I'm not sure I'd have ever have clocked onto.

It took me a really long time and unfortunately I didn't go no contact which made things all the more painful. (Though at the time it felt like holding onto a bit of it? A bit of the good bit?).

I have now and the clarity has given me a lot of peace.

Wishing you all the luck in the world.

Original poster

lookingforafantasy · 22/12/2022 21:21