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Relationships

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Original poster

Two people pleasers together

18 replies

Lookatthesky · 22/12/2022 19:23

This is bloody long, sorry.

I'm a real people pleaser but over the years I have learned to recognise others who would take advantage of that, and I will hold boundaries in quite a blunt way. Like I will just cut these people out of my life, avoid them, not get involved with them etc. (it's not healthy, I feel like I should be able to have difficult people in my life without totally cutting them off, other people make it look so easy! I tend to be very "all or nothing" as it's the only way i know how to deal with it, I'm not proud of it at all)
My DH is also a people pleaser, but in a different kind of way. He's definitely the more dominant person in our relationship, but will bend over backwards to help others outside of our immediate family. People love him as a result and guess what, I'm not that popular! Dont get me wrong, i love people, am quite sociable, love to help others and am in a caring profession, but i cant stand the thought of being controlled or taken for a ride personally. I don't mind him helping others but I feel he takes it too far and gets taken advantage of at times. He tends to take it in his stride though and either not notice or not mind.

We haven't had a lot of other people around/mutual friends in our lives for 16 years because of the nature of our jobs, young family and proximity to old friends etc.

We now have a new situation that I'm struggling with. His best friend has come back into his life/our lives as now he has settled down and started a family. We are in the process of emigrating, and will end up in the same city as they just emigrated a year before us. They have made it clear they want us to live very close to them, kids go to the same school, create our own little village as it were. This all sounds great on the surface and I welcomed the thought of it at first. However they did move close to us in the UK for a short while in the final stages of their emigration, and I've seen a side to his partner that makes me think she's a bit/a lot of a piss taker. I think she's seen us for the pleasers we are and immediately started treating us like the free help. I'm trying to steer us away from being too close, but it's getting more difficult. I'm also worried that wherever we go they will eventually follow.

I could give loads of examples of her behaviour, it started off small and ramped up somewhat over the course of 5 months. Wanting to spend all her downtime with me/us, very regular facetime calls, needy behaviour, always asking for help with the kids/daily tasks but rarely was it reciprocated, and actually when we did do a favour she would be almost insulting as we didn't meet her standards. After a couple of months of this i started to ignore a fair amount of her calls. However my DP seemed to fall for all her sob stories and answer every call. He would then volunteer my/our time and resources without consulting me first. So me ignoring her calls hasn't put her off at all. She's just circumnavigated me and gone straight for my husband, who obliges. Things like downing tools at work to give her a lift home from the docs, even though her DP was at home at the time, not working. (Her DP seems to turn a blind eye, why wouldn't he? It's a great deal for him.)

I'm so worried this will all continue or get worse when we move over. We'll be so isolated over there. My DH will agree that she is OTT and that he feeds into it, but then just continues the same way, being at her beck and call.

Totally accept I have a problem/maybe I am causing/I am the problem. I just feel stuck now and don't know how to deal or make things better for us. I know this sounds like such a trivial problem but I'm scared my family is going to end up a slave to this situation.

Do I need to just chill out, do my own thing take a step back and let whatever happens happen? I'm hoping my DH will tire of it all eventually and see its not worth it but he does love his best friend like a brother and won't want to lose him.

OP posts:

category12 · 22/12/2022 19:55

Sounds like you'd be mad to move anywhere near them.

You are not the problem. Crazy that your dh left work to give her a lift when her own dh was at home. Just what? 😖

I'd look at a town about 3 hours from them.

category12 · 22/12/2022 19:59

Or if you have to be in the same city, go for a different area of it. Do not entwine your lives.

Ivyonafence · 22/12/2022 21:25

Very strange behaviour by your husband. Does he fancy her?

You need a serious talk about boundaries.

Original poster

Lookatthesky · 23/12/2022 00:08

I honestly don't think he does fancy her or that there's any chance of an affair going on currently, he just doesn't seem able to say no. He's been raised to always help people out as much as possible which is really lovely but in my opinion he does go to extreme lengths with it and I don't really know his exact motives for that. His heart is in the right place. He forgives and overlooks a lot of shitty behaviour from people.
Yes I've talked him through boundaries, and that you don't need to be horrible in order to distance yourself a bit and protect yourself. He doesn't have to answer the phone every time, for example. I don't know whether he'd feel massively guilty if one of her "emergencies" turned out to be legit one time, and she does tend to frame things as if she's desperate for help and there's nobody else to ask. My issue is that her problems are not our responsibility. I feel like she's breaking up my team so she can have 2 husbands helping her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lookatthesky · 23/12/2022 00:13

The other issue is the "best friend" is also in agreement with this behaviour, so in effect I'm the only one objecting to it all, therefore ending up feeling I'm unreasonable and unable to change anything. Feel like I have 2 extra people in my marriage who I never invited, and they don't have mine, my DH's or my children's best interests at heart at all.

OP posts:

YouTarzan · 23/12/2022 01:01

Fucking hell - this would drive me potty!

category12 · 23/12/2022 06:31

Lookatthesky · 23/12/2022 00:13

So you really need to put a stop to this talk of living together like a commune or whatever it is. It sounds all a bit like there'll be wifeswapping!

But seriously, don't move near them. Just don't.

daisychain01 · 23/12/2022 06:54

Sounds like your DH doesn't have any other friends so he's overcompensating with this couple. You'd be crazy to move near them if you've already seen the signs of them taking advantage.

Just don't agree to emigrating anywhere near them, and if your DH insists then you'd have to question his motivation for doing that.

Ursuladevine · 23/12/2022 06:57

Were you ever, even slightly, concerned that your DH was attracted to her and or vice versa?

Ursuladevine · 23/12/2022 06:58

But ultimately - your DH sounds like a limp lettuce. Every time her bent over backwards for her, presumably he was leaving you and his young family high and dry

Ursuladevine · 23/12/2022 06:59

And all these people taking advantage, all this “shitty behaviour” from others…. Really?

Ursuladevine · 23/12/2022 07:02

Feel like I have 2 extra people in my marriage who I never invited, and they don't have mine, my DH's or my children's best interests at heart at all.

FGS it’s your DH who doesn’t seem to have you or his children’s “best interests at heart” but rather this woman!!

Ursuladevine · 23/12/2022 07:03

Your focus is all wrong. Forget them. It’s your DH that is well and truly the problem

ChristmasCrackler · 23/12/2022 07:04

My ex was like this. He came from a damaged family and his response was to fawn over people to get them to like him. What he failed to recognised was that he often left me and our young dc high and dry, as @Ursuladevine put it. I often came across as the difficult one as I tried to express our needs as well so I hear you @Lookatthesky
I have since married a man who dnaf about what other people think of him and it is so refreshing!
Think very carefully about isolating yourselves with this.

Ursuladevine · 23/12/2022 07:06

My DH will agree that she is OTT and that he feeds into it, but then just continues the same way, being at her beck and call.

why can’t you see op that the problem is your DH!!

he completely disrespected you here

nancydroo · 23/12/2022 07:18

It must be frustrating because you can't behave with her as you would with others and cut her off. You have no control over your DH's actions. I'd say his behaviour is typical nice guy response. My husband would be the same and I'd be rolling my eyes and tutting as he did so.

Bottom line you're not going to escape these people and you're not going to be able to control the outcome. So you will have to fake like them but continue to decline to be helpful. You're DH will pick up the slack as you know. Not much fun emigrating now

Ursuladevine · 23/12/2022 07:19

nancydroo · 23/12/2022 07:18

I'd say his behaviour is typical nice guy response. My husband would be the same and I'd be rolling my eyes and tutting as he did so.

but certainly not a “nice guy” to the actually important people in his life, namely his wife and children.

I find this “people pleaser” “nice guy” stuff just a way of describing a man who is generally very happy to help other women at the cost of his own wife and children

DogGoneCrazyNow · 23/12/2022 07:29

My ex husband was like this (and I've worked hard to overcome my own doormat tendencies). The thing is, he would drop everything for everyone else and not me. Turned out he just wanted other people to like him. He was controlling and abusive though, which doesn't sound like your DH. However, if he can say no to you, then he can certainly say no to her.

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