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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he do this?

10 replies

SameScriptDifferentCast · 22/12/2022 08:28

Df was rushed to hospital last week with a suspected heart attack. (Number four)
My sister messaged me and let me know what was happening. His wife wasn't allowed to go with him so we all were waiting for news.
I don't live in the same country as them so I was no use at all. I just sat panicking, waiting for news.
They weren't even sure which hospital he was being taken to.
Other sister rang round the hospitals and he hadn't arrived at any despite the journey time being less than the time she waited to call.
This made me think something had happened on the journey and they'd had to stop.
I was sick with worry.
We then found out which hospital he was at and first sister went there to try and see him. As she was on her way, and we still hadn't heard anything, df posted on his fb about being taken in an ambulance!
He didn't bother messaging us or his wife to let us know he was ok and his wife doesn't have fb.
I text him a bit of a shitty message which I probably shouldn't have done that said 'would have been nice to hear you're ok from you and not from fb'
He sent an equally shitty passive aggressive message back saying 'thanks for asking how I am, I'm doing well'
Sister arrived at the hospital and said all the test results bar his bloods had come back saying he wasn't having a heart attack but they are doing further tests.
He has form for posting stuff on sm for likes and comments. He loves a good vaguebook post. Few people respond anymore because he's burnt so many bridges with friends in the past.
I'm just so fed up of the mind games he plays.
I had some counselling for the damage he and my mum did over the years and this sort of thing sends me right back to the child version of myself and I hate it.
I'm going to have to work hard to settle her back down.
It's so depressing. Luckily my Dh is amazing and so supportive with my family stuff.
I don't really know what I want from this post. I just...I don't know. Why do they do this?

OP posts:
Bosk · 22/12/2022 08:32

The question isn't 'why do they do this?', but 'why do you let him jerk you around?'

You have physical distance, now work on mental distance.

Original poster
SameScriptDifferentCast · 22/12/2022 08:41

Bosk · 22/12/2022 08:32

The question isn't 'why do they do this?', but 'why do you let him jerk you around?'

You have physical distance, now work on mental distance.

I've got much better at it over the years.
I used to feel really sorry for him because I thought he was part of the 'victim' side of our family. Then I discovered through counselling that my mum likely has some form of NPD and from that I've realised that he is the same. He's just as manipulative but on a different level.
I've spoken to him once about how he behaves and treats us and he listened but then a few months later went right back to this sort of thing.
There's a lot more to it. So much damage.
I think I'll work through it today and I'll feel better tonight. I'm going for a big walk to stomp it away.
Any tips?

OP posts:
Dacquoise · 22/12/2022 08:59

You really need to learn to detach from him. He does it because it gives him attention and it works. He does something unreasonable, you get upset, react by sending him a message. Attention achieved.

There are lots of books and websites on NPD Perhaps reading up on it will help you identify the traits and how to 'grey rock'. Unfortunately if he has a personality disorder, and that can only be diagnosed by a psychiatrist, a relationship isn't really possible with him.

If he's just highly narcissistic ie selfish, you need to learn strategies to protect yourself. Have you tried therapy? You sound very enmeshed with him and his drama and have probably been trained to dance to his tune.

Original poster
SameScriptDifferentCast · 22/12/2022 09:17

Dacquoise · 22/12/2022 08:59

You really need to learn to detach from him. He does it because it gives him attention and it works. He does something unreasonable, you get upset, react by sending him a message. Attention achieved.

There are lots of books and websites on NPD Perhaps reading up on it will help you identify the traits and how to 'grey rock'. Unfortunately if he has a personality disorder, and that can only be diagnosed by a psychiatrist, a relationship isn't really possible with him.

If he's just highly narcissistic ie selfish, you need to learn strategies to protect yourself. Have you tried therapy? You sound very enmeshed with him and his drama and have probably been trained to dance to his tune.

So true. I've been used as his confident, friend, enemy rather than his daughter for decades. I think most of the time I just ignore or keep it very basic in my responses to him.
He rarely messages asking how I am unless it's to orchestrate a conversation about himself.
He sends me memes most days several times which I kind of thought was just that he was thinking of me and that he's not capable of a decent relationship with me but maybe those memes are a way of keeping me on the hook?
I'm going to do some looking into some links. Thank you

OP posts:
category12 · 22/12/2022 11:51

I'd consider dropping the rope here.

What is he actually bringing into your life, other than pain/confusion/toxicity? Low or no contact may be the way to go,

Original poster
SameScriptDifferentCast · 22/12/2022 14:16

category12 · 22/12/2022 11:51

I'd consider dropping the rope here.

What is he actually bringing into your life, other than pain/confusion/toxicity? Low or no contact may be the way to go,

I pretty much have gone lc. I don't think I can go nc but it's in my mind now.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/12/2022 14:20

I wouldn't describe getting memes off him every day low contact tbh - it's a lot of him keeping active in your headspace with little effort on his part.

Original poster
SameScriptDifferentCast · 22/12/2022 14:23

category12 · 22/12/2022 14:20

I wouldn't describe getting memes off him every day low contact tbh - it's a lot of him keeping active in your headspace with little effort on his part.

Yeah I'm thinking that now. I guess that me not making any effort and replying was, I thought, enough but maybe not.
I've had a lovely walk with my family and not given him a thought.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 22/12/2022 15:49

I'm just so fed up of the mind games he plays

He can't play mind games with you any more than he can play tennis with you, if you refuse to play. This isn't about your relationship with him, it's about your relationship with you, and you choosing to do what's healthy for you. One of the most valuable things you can do for yourself is to filter your people until you have company that's good for you, for as high a proportion of your time as you can manage.

Opt out.

FictionalCharacter · 22/12/2022 15:54

He does it because it works. He gets the attention he wants, gets to play the victim and gets to have a go at you for not asking how he was. You can put a stop to it by never taking the bait.

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