How can I protect us?

[Prisonpocket]

Today my son had a hospital appointment. Originally scheduled for the pm and his dad (separated) received a text to say the appointment had changed.

His dad currently does not have parental responsibility for our child due to past abuse matters, however the court have suggested that we communicate through a specific app and my child can still see him unsupervised (it was originally supervised). The court let him off due to good behaviour on a course he had to do. But since then he has become abusive and right back to his own ways. Quite frankly I'm terrified of being in his presence. My child is also not keen.

Anyway back to the point. His dad must have contacted the hospital at some point previous to the appointment (he knew he was having them, just not when). And changed the contact details to his. Hence him getting the appointment reminder. When I booked a follow up appointment they checked my number and it was his. I promptly asked them to change it back.

I'd got to the appointment early so we were seen earlier than scheduled. On our way out we bumped into his dad. Luckily we were near reception so security guards were about. He did however start giving me grief about why we were leaving already and that he wasn't late for the appointment. He had never messaged me to advise me he was planning on turning up. And if he did I would have changed the appointment.

My child was also incredibly uncomfortable by his unexpected arrival.

Where do I stand on this? Is this not a safe guarding issue? I'm not extremely stressed about future appointments and what else he can get details on to intercept us unexpectedly.

This man is incredibly manipulative and powerful.

I will be calling the hospital department in the morning to ask how they can secure it to my contact details only.

His dad currently does not have parental responsibility for our child due to past abuse matters, however the court have suggested that we communicate through a specific app

The hospital should never have changed contact number without contacting you first. Anyone could call a hospital/GP surgery and say my number is the contact number. As well as contacting the hospital department I’d contact PALS too.

Did you have a solicitor when you separated? If you did, maybe go back and ask their advice about his behaviour.

Also, how old is your ds? If he is uncomfortable with his dad’s behaviour then this should be respected and I’m sure courts listen to children but I’m not sure what age they accept children’s opinions.

It sounds like he paid lip service to his course to get Brownie points and is reverting to his normal behaviour. I think legal advise is the way to go.

I had and still occasionally have this issue with my ex. I have established with our local nhs trust that contact details must not be changed without my agreement as the children live with me, there is a marker on their files. Ditto school, gp, dentist, health visitor, building society, exam boards... the list goes on. It's extremely tiresome, he has parental responsibility but very limited contact with the children. He usual behaviour has been to change contact details, make appointments and then complain to social services that I've missed them and am neglectful.

I feel your pain, this is a particular kind of asshole

My son is 6.

And we did have a solicitor involved at the beginning but had to drop them as we couldn't afford it.

My son will tell people that he likes his dad because I think deep down he doesn't want him to be gone. He's just not 100% comfortable in his presence. Dad has previously mentioned my son may be autistic because of how he responds to him. But he's the only one he behaves like that around.

I think it just needs time for my son to understand his feelings more.

@jayhoo I'm so sorry to hear that. It's another level of crazy to be honest. I don't have the time nor energy to be doing such malicious things.

He's also tried hacking into my FB. Managed to track his IP address which is ironic cos he works in cyber security.

It's so hard to prove that you're in an abusive relationship to authorities when there is no physical proof.

This abuse all happened 5 years ago and it's taken me that long to realise what it was!

He doesn't have parental responsibilty, but managed to obtain personal information about your son from the hospital?! I would be contact PALS (patient advice liason service) and the department, and telling them they've breached confidentiality, and ask them how they are going to avoid this happening again.

So sorry you're going through this. I also second the suggestion of getting more legal advice.

Can you get in touch with domestic abuse services and see what advice and support they can offer?

You may also be able to get legal advice from the Rights of Women rightsofwomen.org.uk/

I'm sure you are already but you need to be keeping a record, reporting all this and potentially going back to court.

If he hasn't got PR presently, complain officially to the hospital for what has happened. It's not right and it put you both at risk.

It sounds like you are both playing games with your DS in the middle. It is not acceptable at all that your ex changed the contact details, although it's not out of realm that he asked his to be added and they just replaced it instead. I had a hospital mike's away calling ne to offer my adult child an appointment because they couldn't get hold of her and they had my number as emergency. Hospitals do strange things.

But even if he did, you got him back by going early, and not waiting for him when it was obvious by his previous actions that it was his intentions.

If you want the best for your son, you both need to stop playing games behind each others back and work together on important matters.

Did you miss the part where the ex is an abusive man who doesn't have PR because of the abuse and has previously only had supervised access? That he's returned to his abusive ways and OP is frightened of him?

Don't paint it as the op needing to work with someone who is actually a danger to her and their child and as if she's in the wrong. Ridiculous post.

Posting on a thread where the OP is dealing with an abusive man, and berating her for not intuiting his intentions, and not pandering to him... for fucks sake.

Give your head a wobble.

His dad currently does not have parental responsibility for our child due to past abuse matters

How were parental rights removed from him? It usually involves a court order specifically addressing the issue of parental rights and is a fairly complex assessment. Even abusive parents usually retain parental rights and responsibilities. When parental rights change organisations (such as the NHS, schools etc) would ask for a copy of the court order because without it they have no grounds not to share information about a child or to release a child to a known parent.

Do the hospital have a copy of the court order? If so they’re in breach of the order and I’d be raising a serious complaint because your ex has no more right to information about health appointments than any other member of the public. If they don’t, I’d provide a copy and ask them to flag their records.

He sounds like a nightmare and I can imagine you’re very scared about his continued intrusion into your lives. Do you have access to an IDAA, they can help negotiate difficult contact arrangements and give advice on how you might protect yourself with your child’s hospital appointments given that if he has that information he knows where you’re both likely to be and when.

What the fuck have I just read? Go back and read the OP. Playing games? Fucking hell.