Whether to let DD send gifts to estranged grandparents

[Mummyof287]

Our relationship with DH's parents has been difficult and conflictual on and off for several years now, with the most recent fall out being in the summer, where they told some other family members lies about things we had never said, which resulted in them having a massive go at us without getting the facts from us first, then cutting us off.There was a big family disagreement and 2 of DH's siblings also cut ties with their parents as the parents were trying to blame them for saying the things about us instead, just to cover their own backs.

DH's parents are pretty toxic people tbh who are very self absorbed and have no ability to reflect on their shortcomings and wrongdoings....DH and siblings experienced a difficult & seemingly quite neglectful (DH can't remember much but his older siblings say stuff) upbringing due to the ups and downs caused by their parents problematic characters.

We tried again with the relationship once the dust settled after our first big fall out a couple of years ago for the sake of DD1, then we had DD2 last year at which point things were okay (we were always abit wary and detached with them since the first issues) but we have now not spoken to them and cut contact since the summer as we got sick of their dysfunctional and disruptive behaviours.

DH asked them not to send any more gifts, cards, messages etc for the main reason that we didn't want them using it to make themselves feel better and also because we didn't want to confuse 5yo DD (who we explained the situation to, in an age appropriate way).We have never sugarcoated anything but we have also never tried to discourage her from holding her own opinions about how she feels about them, but she has maintained that she doesn't miss them/mind not seeing them (they were never very hands and she didn't have a particularly strong relationship with them)

Today, unexpectedly, cards came through the door from the grandparents for her and baby sister with toyshop vouchers in.Being unaware who they were from, or even that there were vouchers inside, I let DD open them before discussing it with DH, and she was full of excitement about the voucher.I was honest who it was from, and now she is asking to send them a present back 'because they got her one' so it's opened a can of worms really! Obviously at her age she can't see their hidden flaws (they are fine with DD on the surface) and I think she thinks they are nice because they have sent her a gift she likes.

I feel inclined to let her if she wants to on one hand, but then DH and I both worry his parents are going to see it as some kind of peace offering or that we have forgiven them and are letting them off the hook for what they did.And whilst they have never exposed our DDs to any of their inappropriate behaviors, the way they are with us adults obviously feeds down into causing stress within family life when they cause problems.

Also whilst i'm kind of glad in a way they have made the effort to send DDs xmas gifts, as it did make me sad to think of the girls not getting anything, they have technically disrespected DH's request not to.

WWYD?

you daughter is 5. Will she actually remember any of this by tomorrow? I’d leave it a few days. If things are as toxic as you say I’d stay well clear !

Ignore

If she really wants to send something send a thank you note directly from her. Not from you

Nope. And as someone in a similar situation with family, you need to be more careful opening post in the future.

We have moved since we went BC and my family no longer know our address, but prior to this, any parcels or post that didn’t have any obvious return address on, were not opened in front of dc. I’ve received some crazy stuff from them and it would have been very upsetting to open and have to explain to dc.

*NC

Don't be tricked back into any contact. At 5 it might not work, but I'd try distracting her and redirecting, like "we'll have a think about that later DD, right now we need to do/watch/go to xyz".

They've sent gifts for a reason and you'd be niaive to think a response from either you or your child will end there. Learn from your earlier mistake in reintroducing your child to them.

Agree with all the PP. Don’t let them override your DH strong wishes /needs. Your DD does not understand / appreciate the situation - she wants to get a return present as she has a kind heart, so redirect those kind thoughts.

Tell her that his DP were not always nice to him and he can’t see them any more because it makes him too upset. She is not too young to hear this. You could suggest making DH a lovely card for this reason, and giving him extra hugs.
You could suggest using some/ all of the vouchers to buy toys for little children who won’t get many presents this Christmas.
You could suggest making biscuits or doing drawings for a nearby old peoples home where there might be some who won’t see any DGC this Christmas.

But crucially
Maintain boundaries. Stay NC. You are NC because they can’t be trusted with contact with your own beloved little family.

Personally I'd do one of two things .

Ignore the vouchers and hope DD forgets or secondly get DD to write a thankyou note . That's it , nothing from you .
If however grandparents had sent an apology letter with the vouchers I'd probably thank them but remain NC. People are generally NC following a pattern of behaviour that's unlikely to change

This.

They knew exactly what they were doing. They are using your child to manipulate you. Don't let it work.

Your daughter is 5 and too young to understand the wider implications and issues around this. You and your partner have to do it for her, that is your responsibility. Take it as lesson learnt that you need to screen all post going forward, and I'd say some non-committal things and hope she forgets. If she doesn't then I guess there are 2 choices - have her write a thank you then let her think you sent it, but bin it instead, or (my preferred choice) speak to her about tricky people, that these presents do not change bad behaviour, and be honest that you cannot respond. Only you know what is appropriate for your child.

Don't undo all the hard work of going NC over a gift. Any contact from you will be used as a wedge to open the door further and you know it. Nothing has changed, they are trying to force their way back in by spending money, not by doing any actual work to repair the relationship with their son. It's insulting when you actually stop and think about it.

This is more manipulative behaviour dont get involved. Tell your dd you sent chocolates and leave it there, she is 5 and she won’t think of this again after tomorrow . You can’t let a 5 year old dictate your involvement with toxic people and split your loyalty with your dh.

No.

And it's not your decision, it's your DHs.

He's the one most affected by his dysfunctional family and his upbringing. It's really important that you back him up and don't accidentally pressure him into managing things the way you think he should, (especially if you don't come from a toxic family yourself).

Your dd is 5. Do not put her childish whim ahead of boundaries your DH has set in place for good reasons.

Essentially the present is a wedge, and they're trying to turn you and your dd into their flying monkeys. Don't fall for it.

Thanks everyone for your really helpful responses and ideas, which ive also shared with DH- we told DD we had decided we wouldn't want her to send them a gift back- we explained to her that she and her sister have done nothing wrong so deserve to be sent presents, whereas their nana and grandad have been unkind to Daddy and haven't said sorry, so don't deserve presents which she has accepted.We don't want to give them any 'bite' to their bait as it were, or in any way give them the idea that they are forgiven.We did say to DD she could send a short thankyou note, as a compromise, but I'm hoping and thinking she will probably forget that she wanted to do that anyway!