This is very long I apologise, if anyone is able to read it I would be so grateful. I am in a crisis:
I am in a fantastic relationship with my girlfriend of a year, we are incredibly happy and I know she is the one I want to spend my life with, she is the one and I love her dearly.
Before we got together I was in a rubbish relationship in which my ex had a long term affair (found out after she left me). After that ended I looked forward to dating and going out and meeting with/kissing/sleeping with people as I had never really done that much and had always really been in a relationship.
I signed up for a dating app, and within a couple of weeks had matched with my current girlfriend. We met up, and I quickly realised that she was great and I wanted to carry on seeing her, and I decided to not date anyone else. At the time I had thoughts that I hadn't really experienced single life all that much but I was so enamoured by this girl I just assumed those thoughts would diminish. I did consider ending it very early on just to be single for a bit but she was so fantastic I thought it would be crazy to let her go and so committed myself to her.
Our relationship blossomed and developed into a truly happy one and we are building a life, planning to live together, talking about marriage and kids one day etc, it really is my dream come true after being so unhappy in previous relationships, I feel so so lucky to have met her.
However, I hate myself for this but now and then that niggling feeling would creep into my mind - "should I have stayed single longer and got it out of my system", "am I missing out on being single and free before settling down" etc. These thoughts would be much stronger when I had had a few drinks (when my girlfriend wasn't with me).
I have always had a poor relationship with alcohol and binge drinking, in particular knowing when to stop, and on countless occasions ended up completely blind/blackout drunk. My sober rational mind knows that I am in an incredible relationship and I constantly have happy thoughts of the future with my girlfriend, but those stupid, single-y thoughts were at the back of my mind.
Last weekend, I met up with some friends that I hadn't seen in ages for drinks, and ended up (again) getting horrendously drunk (cannot remember much of the second half of the night). A girl I was talking to via text around the same time I initially matched with my girlfriend and was potentially going to go on a date with (but I chose not to because I started seeing my girlfriend and didn't want to date other people at the same time) was out as well and was also drunk. We talked, and in my complete blind drunk state in the early hours I flirted with her. I am not 100% sure but at one point we may have kissed briefly. I cannot exactly remember doing so but I feel so guilty I feel I must have, the memories are very blurry/non-existent.
Nothing went further than this, I went home shortly afterwards, too drunk to even realise and appreciate what had really gone on I was in such a state.
I woke up in absolute and complete horror at the thought I had cheated but not really remembering the actual events. Since then I have been in absolute mental torture with guilt, have barely eaten or slept, and have quite frankly felt the worst I have ever felt, it has completely torn me apart. I deeply, deeply hated myself for doing this and putting my relationship in jeopardy, and have been frantically searching the internet for advice, reading about people who have been in a similar position. Some people said to confess, but a lot said to use the guilt to finally rid yourself of the alcohol and commit to never doing it again.
With regards to the potential for her finding out, my friend saw us flirting and I found out the next day was annoyed at me, but I have spoken with him and he says he does understand, he is a loyal friend and it would not come from him. I do not have any contact with the girl herself (friends on Facebook however), but out lives have only ever crossed on very few nights out (which will not be happening again). She doesn't know my partner.
I actually believe my partner would forgive me if I were to tell her because we have such a brilliant relationship and so much hope for the future, but the thought of tarnishing the relationship and causing her pain is just so so incredibly horrible that I don't feel I can do that to her, or to us.
After a lot of panicked thinking and soul-searching I just about got my thoughts in order, and realised the reason this happened is firstly those idiotic thoughts about missing out on being single, and secondly my ability to get into a completely blackout state when drinking. The combination of those two things was in my case catastrophic.
This happening has led me to realise that these thoughts of fear of missing out on being single and getting drunk and meeting girls in town were so so stupid and that is of course not at all what I ever want, I want to be with my fantastic partner and have a happy life together. I can honestly say those thoughts are out of my system and I will NEVER EVER have them again. The thought is now abhorrent to me and I can't believe I thought that, but from reading a bit about it thoughts like that can be common for people sometimes apparently (like cold feet sort of thing??)
It has also led me to seriously look at my relationship with alcohol. I have known for a while that I cannot handle alcohol in those crazy quantities well, I completely change and lose myself, however alcohol is a horrible and cunning thing and I kept convincing myself I could control it and I would be "fine this time" (clearly not). This is the final straw for me and I will NEVER EVER get drunk again, that is certain. I do have the ablilty to have a couple of drinks and no more, for example share a bottle of wine with my girlfriend which we do often, but I may even stop this tbh I am so disgusted with the way I acted with alcohol in my system.
After reading a million threads and comments on the internet, I eventually confided in my mum (who also loves my partner), and her opinion was very similar to a lot of the comments, that I should not tell her, be glad that I didn't go any further and do something incredibly stupid, STOP DRINKING AND GETTING DRUNK, and commit to being the man she knows I really am, a good man and a good partner and future husband, put the whole thing behind me and forget about it, and work on those things, committing to doing those things and being the best I can be to my partner.
I feel like this may be the way to go, I just feel so so incredibly guilty and I was terrified and despairing at the thought that I might feel this intense guilt forever. Reading other threads has made me realise it will subside and I could live a happy life, whilst recognising that it will never fully go.
However I do now see that as a good thing, which was hard to see but with the help of my mum I do - I feel like my regret will forever make me remember what happens to me when I get blackout drunk, and ensure I never get like that again as I may get cravings again I'm sure, and make me forever appreciate my partner and remind that commitment to her and monogamy are what is important to me, and that the grass is not greener on the single and free side of the fence.
To anyone that has read this I thank you, if you wish to comment on it please do, I fully accept if you wish to berate me and tell me I am terrible, I guarantee I have thought much worse of myself since it happened. But I hope you don't think I am as terrible a person as I thought I was. Thank you very much.