Managing an abusive parent

[Greyandrare123]

I am an only child in my 50's and I have my mother who is in her late 80's. She lives about 90 miles away from me. We have a v difficult relationship and I have learned how to befriend her, grey rock her and base everything on her needs.
She takes no interest in me at all but relies on me as her only real social contact. She never has taken any interest in me or my life yet idolises her neighbours.
For eg she knows I had cancer but never has mentioned it or asked how I am. But she was deeply saddned at the queens death to the point of crying and has been incredibly over invested in some neighbours.
She knows what my job is but has never asked me about it or showed any interest in it.
She gets angry if I dont bring 'news' about my own friends, my neighbours etc but she never has any interest in what I do.
She gets angry if I dont take her out for lunch once a week
She doesnt ring me ever but will ring me if something is broken in her house.
She never shows appreciation for things I get for her or when I drive the 120m round journey to pay a visit.

Last Fri she got ill with a virus. I made a daily trip to make sure she was ok. I got her build up drinks, food, etc. I got her to the docs and picked up her antibiotics. This morning she called to say her TV was broken so i made the trip to sort it out. I wanted to immediately leave as she is getting better and I am at work at 6am tomorrow and I have side effects from tbe chemo I am on. I did tell her I cant stay She got v angry with me so I agreed to stay.

She wont involve herself with any social activity at the church she attends even if I went with her. She is so passive and unless the conversation is about her she isnt interested. She then has spent the time bragging abt her beautiful and amazing neighbour.
She is compus mentos.

I know she is abusive but any ideas how I can manage this and not have a panic attack? I dont want to go no contact as she simply wont manage.

"Simply won't manage"

What do you mean?

What do you think she will do?
How many more hours of your life do you want to sacrifice this way?

You owe her nothing.

OP you need to stop being available to her constant bec n call . If her TV breaks she can call an engineer etc .
She is not incapable she is manipulative and nasty .

Cut yourself off from her. Your own mental health is at risk if you don't. She will find someone else to help her especially if she has other contacts eg through the church.

This.

Report her to SS and step away.

She has had enough of your time and peace.

You must be a saint and have great patience to endure that treatment from her! Honestly, NC would be the only way if you can't say no to her demands.

Maybe be clearer in setting boundaries in your own mind. Like when you wanted to go after fixing her tv, you should have left. She might have complained a little, but you had done enough.

It is really kind of you drive 120 miles a week to take her to lunch. Maybe you reduce reduce the frequency or perhaps be clear in your mind that you don’t need to do much beyond that.

There will be curveballs, like when she’s ill or has medical appointments. But you need to free yourself of your constant responsibility to her. Good luck.

Find a therapist and walk away. Not easy but you deserve peace in your life.

Have you tried telling her it’s hurtful that she doesn’t ask about you?

Another option hint strongly eg by mentioning a “friend “ who only ever talks about herself.

Honestly though, elderly people who live alone do get like this. Their only daily routine is based around their own needs and this becomes entrenched

Make sure she is on social services radar. It’s only going by to get worse.

set your boundaries now and make them strong

She is controlling you by 'getting very angry'. This needs to stop working and you're the only on who can change that.

My dad was similar. If he got angry and started shouting and going on I simply told him I was leaving as his behaviour was appalling and I won't be spoken to like that, and I left. It did work - I started getting thanked for the things I did.

Do you want to take her out to lunch every week? If not then tell her (next time it comes up) that you don't enjoy it because of the way she is treating you, so you won't be doing it until that changes. Yes, she will get very angry - and then what? Why does it matter if she gets very angry? She had been a adult for a long time and it was time she started to regulate her own emotions.

Thank you. I know its abuse and this week has been extra difficult as she has had a covid virus.
I had no idea there was social services for the elderly and I will contact them
Thank you for your responses

Yep call the council

and you will have to be VERY clear that you won’t do it

It's hard when your parents train you from an early age to believe that everything is about what they want and need. I was in a very similar relationship with my mum (also an only child, my dad died many years ago) and it took a couple of years of therapy for me to get my head round the fact that the things she asked of me were unreasonable. I think I also had this thing where I thought that if she was happy I could "justify" disengaging a bit, whereas obviously she'd kind of grasped that on some level and so was never going to be happy because it meant I'd disengage. That separation of child and parent is healthy and it is supposed to happen. You're not a bad person to want your own time and space!

I think maybe you could do with some support to decide whether you want to continue to see her and if you do what terms you're prepared to see her on.

If it makes you feel better - I won’t be doing anything to look after either of my parents. I moved to the other side of the world which makes that easier!

I have a similar relative. I just call them out now at the time the outrageous behaviour occurs. I don’t do it emotionally, just calmly and factually. I think it is about setting boundaries. I am sorry that you have been treated like this- I understands how much it hurts.