Has anyone ever been in this position?

[reddwarfgeek]

Name changed for this. Posted in relationships for traffic.

I have one just turned 5 year old daughter, I'm in my late 30s.
10 year relationship, not great since DD for many reasons. Resentment on my part for him not stepping up, families falling out, my post partum MH, his drinking/going out and general selfishness. After a few years of being settled on being 'one and done' I desperately find myself longing for another baby in the last year.

My DD, despite saying she wants a sibling on and off the last couple of years, has recently started saying she doesn't want any more babies and wants the old nursery (which we still have) as a toy room. She has plenty of friends and is close to her cousin-also an only.
My partner would have another baby tomorrow but would do next to nothing in terms of looking after, housework, night feeds. He earns good money and pay bills but is a lazy man. He wanted 2 children close together, but would still have another.

Obviously the simple answer is to not have another.
But I feel something huge is missing in my life, I feel like not a 'complete mother' (not my views at all, I've just heard people say this and it's upsetting). I worry DD will go to another country or distance herself from me as an adult, and she might be all I have when I'm old. I worry she won't know the joy having a sibling can bring.
I know if I don't have another baby it will be something I'll always wonder ...what if...and I think it'll be my biggest regret when I'm old.
On the other hand, a new baby could destroy my admittedly quite fragile MH, relationship even more, I may have to give up work (I work a long commute away currently in a job I love) and hobbies etc. My partner and I are both close to our siblings.
My parents aren't interested in their grandchild (ren) and most of my friends have either older children or are childfree.

I know now the hard years pass and I absolutely love being a mum. I don't enjoy the first 2/3 years much, but I love watching children grow, their personalities, the laughs, the cuddles and love.

I know, relationshipwise, I could split from my partner. In theory I could find someone else or go it alone but I'm nearly 38, it's not something I want to do to my daughter and it's likely I wouldn't find anyone else. Ditto being a single mum and using a sperm donor, I know people do this but it isn't for me.

Has anyone ever been here and found a solution?
One way or the other- do you have any advice/regrets?
It consumes my every waking thought at the moment and has done for months. Wish I could make peace either way.

Thanks.

It sounds really tough. I didn't want to read and run but I'm not sure what to advise. Is there any way you could get more support to help you through the difficult parts of having a second child? Possibly your sibling(s)?

It's annoying that your partner would love another kid and yet would be likely to be of very little help. I'm guessing you've already tried many times to talk with him to no avail.

Well, for starters, I would suggest that your DD has no say in the decision, at all.
That should make it easier.

@MoonbeamsGlittering Thanks for your reply. I love my brother but he's a bit of a Peter Pan type with no children so he wouldn't be helpful.

The most helpful person I'd have is my mother in law who is great in some ways but not the easiest of people...as MILs often are!

@KnickerlessParsons Yes, you are right.
I only added that as it was the first time she'd said such a thing.

I have a friend with a 6 year age gap between her 2, and it looks so hard. They ahve absolutely zero shared interest, so she can't go to soft play etc, there's just nothing they both enjoy. So she divides and conquers with her DH, but if yours isn't interested that won't be an option for you.
Think realistically about how you'll manage, whether your relationship will survive, whether you'll care, but mostly about the practicalities.

@Relocatiorelocation Thanks for that perspective. I have wondered about that and the different ages...I suppose softplay would only be enjoyable for a child up to about 7 or 8 and by then the littlest would only be 1/2 and just about to gear up to softplay age.
Partner goes to football a lot at the weekend so the honest answer about how I'd cope is I'd be on my own a lot with two kids. I just cannnot shake these feelings.
I know some big age gaps where it has worked really, and some it doesn't. It's like a lottery isn't it?!
Can I ask if your friends children are the same gender, or different?

My kids are 8 and 3, and they play together a lot so far. I don't know if this will change in future, and of course a 6 year gap would be bigger than 5.

I'm a man and I find it difficult to understand how some men do so little to help and don't feel guilty about it. Does he justify it by saying he earns lots of money? Could the money be used to hire extra support which might help with your mental health or keeping your job? Or could his mother have some words with him? (Maybe you've already ruled out all of this - I'm just trying to think of something!)

Well I suppose it boils down to whether you’re prepared to be a single parent and do all the work.

@MoonbeamsGlittering Yes, he does justify it by saying he earns good money 🙈 He may has a skewed view of relationships as he was raised by his mum who was a single parent to 4 children...no doubt made of tougher stuff than me! So I think he sees that women should be able to get on with it.

I have thought about using money for doulas/mothers help etc. It could be an option. I'm very lucky with my job, they are extremely flexible and both my bosses have plenty of kids so they understand. I work for a university who offer career breaks, could be another option.

It's nice that your children play together :)

@Ohmygoshposh It does. And I can never quite answer this question honestly.

I think if you want to have a birth child and can afford it - you absolutely should. I don’t know anyone regretting having child(ren) but know people regretting not to.
In your place - i’d focus on sorting out practicalness and making the second time around easier on you, without relying too much on your H helping with the baby. I’d organise help with cleaning, etc. I’d also get him more involved with the elder child, at least in the earlier stages. Often men are useless with babies, but are better with kids as they get older.
As to MH - knowing it was an issue and that you have handled it before - will help you if the same issues come up.
I don’t think there is an ‘ideal’ age difference. Mine are closer in age - and sure, there was a bit more overlap in the younger age - some, not massive amount of soft play trips together.
But I do find that going through teenage years x2 is actually quite hard.
With bigger age difference - at least one kid will be at school for part of the day and you can focus on baby.

Good lick!

If you want to have ‘A CHILD’ - not sure why my phone decided to add an extra word

I think he sees that women should be able to get on with it.

He sounds like a prick I'm afraid OP.

You need to prioritise your little girl which means prioritising your mental health, as this helps to keep you (and her) happy and healthy.

What if a new baby has additional needs? He won't support you emotionally or practically in the way you'd need.

What if something happened to you? He's have two children to raise solo when he isn't even an active, engaged member of the household now.

OP, protecting your MH for your daughter should be a priority, she is really going to need you happy and well over the next 10-15 years.

Her father sounds like a selfish waster so having another child with him is madness.

More often that not by a long stretch, a big age gap is challenging.

I have heard people describe it as "two only children", even worse when they are a different sex.

Your fagile MH and a waster for a partner would definitely have me advising you to focus on the child you have.

Maybe get some counselling because you are wasting her childhood pining for what you don't have.

Focus on what you have.

I found someone new at 38 when I was single with teenaged dc and had two more children after that, at age 40 and 42. You don't know what the future holds but I do think you'll regret having another child with your current partner

OP - You will, I believe, always regret not having a second child. You seem to me to be very keen on the idea. Your partner is also not against the idea and you say that he earns sufficient money that you would be able to afford a maternity nurse/doula/additional help.

I would do it, if I were you. I have four children, and the youngest was born when the oldest was 13. [So that went 13 (girl) 11 (boy) 3 (girl) and Baby (boy)]

All my DC played together although obviously there were two lots of children close in age. Interestingly, the middle two (with the 8 year age gap, and opposite sexes) get on best now they're all grown up, but all of them love one another.

My first husband was a nightmare who helped not a jot, but the second helped a lot. Neither husband had a lot of money (and I was a midwife, so neither did I) but that was not too much of an issue.

Go for it. You want to, really. I have a feeling that your DD would be thrilled with a baby once it is born. Yes, you have to go to different activities with different aged children, but that is not impossible.

Whatever you decide, have a blessed Christmas.

I think if you want to have a birth child and can afford it - you absolutely should. I don’t know anyone regretting having child(ren) but know people regretting not to.

This, 100%.

I think it's good that you're getting a mixture of replies - I would suggest thinking how you feel when you read the "have another child " replies, then think about how you feel reading the "don't do it" replies, and maybe that'll help to decide. I think the crucial factor could be whether you're confident that you would be able to find a way to retain your mental health, or whether you think there's a really big risk there.

I don't have any experience to offer on the question of how to juggle this against a complicated relationship (I'm a single parent by choice), but wanted to reflect that my experience of having a 6 year gap (opposite sexes but not convinced that's hugely relevant) and being in sole charge of them has been v positive. They've played together well and it was amazing having DC1 in school when DC2 was a baby. The fact that they need quite different things from me has helped me not feel completely depleted even though single parenthood plus full time work is a lot. They're 11 and 5 now so whilst that might yet change, actually I think we've been through the years most people are thinking of when they say it's hard for them to have much in common or enjoy the same activities.

The gap between my sibling and me is bigger still, which might shift my perspective.

Fwiw having a second child was v important to me and I do feel much more 'complete' and also happier with our family life and home, and more confident in my own mothering, since having my second. But of course that's only me, and there's no way of knowing how I'd have felt if instead of having DC2 I'd come to terms with deciding to stick at one, maybe just as content.

Wishing you all the best. :)

@dandelionthistle

I'm a solo mother by choice too, sorry to derail, can I message you privately?

Of course! Go for it.

Op I brought a second child into a failing marriage and it was a disaster, the final mail in the coffin. It was hard work being a single mum to 2 children and having to co parent with someone who only saw the dc when it was convenient to him.

Looking back I shouldn't have brought another child into the relationship, and should have left him sooner.

Do yourself a favour, concentrate on the child you have, and leave your dh.

Don't have another child for your existing child - that's all what-ifs and day-dreaming.

What's solid, is the child you have, the support you have, the job you love etc.

There's nothing wrong with families of any size, and apart from this worry that you're short-changing your daughter by not giving her a sibling, you actually sound happy with how things are now. In your shoes I'd take that win, and not have another child because of an imagined feeling of guilt that she's an only.