My Mum is getting on my nerves at the moment.

[Doodles29]

Hi all. Merry Christmas!

For context - I am 26 years old, had my own house last year with my ex partner. Unfortunately, he cheated, it ended bitterly and I had to move out back to my parents.

My ex partner at the time was refusing to give me half of everything, so I went through a painful process of solicitors and threatening to take him to court. Luckily it never went to court and he agreed to pay half after months of him living in the house and me having to pay half the mortgage. My parents helped me out a lot through this ordeal (not financially but emotionally). They allowed me to move back home with my dog and really took care of me while I was feeling vulnerable.

Fast forward to now, and I have the money (almost 100k) but with the cost of living will struggle to afford bills at the moment living in a one bedroom place on my own. I also do not think now is the right time to buy. I pay my parents rent , although not much (£200 per month).

Recently, my mum has been getting on my nerves. She has to give her opinion on everything and will get moody/ give me the silent treatment if I don’t agree or do what she says.

For example, she will ask questions about my fairly new relationship “who paid for dinner when you went out?” , “I don’t know why he started decorating right before Christmas!” , “what did you have for dinner last night? Why didn’t you have the chicken he said you were going to have?” disapproving looks and rolling eyes

Its getting to the point where I’m lying to her about little things as I don’t want her knowing my business.

They are just little niggly comments but are really getting on my nerves. She asks nothing about my younger siblings lives/ relationships but thinks it’s appropriate to make these comment at me.

Im finding it hard to tell her to back off as she supported me to much at the beginning of this year.

My current boyfriend has suggested me moving in with him at some point next year when his lodger moves out, I mentioned this to her and she made a backhanded comment about how convenient it would be for him and for me not to step into this right away. Obviously I know this - and after my last relationship - am going to be very careful. But I don’t need to be told it!

I just feel controlled all the time.

• so much at the beginning of the year

Also to add she comments on my financial behaviour

Have you always got on okay with her before this or thinking back, have there been other instances where she’s shown herself to be like this?

My DM as well as other, more abusive things from my past would always be like this. She’d constantly make comment, judge and question everything I did or wanted to do in a very negative way, under the guise that she just ‘cared’. It resulted in me telling her nothing about my life.

Someone helping you out doesn’t mean they just get to make comment on your life constantly or do things that make you uncomfortable. How do you think she would take you trying to speak to her about it?
If you can’t, I would just adopt the silent or limited information approach to give her nothing to comment on.

Please be careful not to rush into moving in with your boyfriend, especially if it’s his house, just to escape her. I made the mistake of taking whatever I could just to get away from mine and it was fairly costly!

You have more choices; the one I'd recommend is to rent somewhere on your own. Stop thinking of renting as a waste of money, and think of it as a fresh start for the new year.

You need to move out. You have £100k savings and need to look at finding your own place to live. You want your mum to treat you like a flat mate when it suits you and like a teen when that would be better (as in charging you tiny amounts to live there).

Time to move on.

She's your mum. You are living in her house, mostly in her largesse. You have options. Maybe waiting until the house market meets your standards isn't one of them.

To be honest you sound a tad self centered.

Well you kind of are using her financially a bit, aren't you? I mean, where else would you live with your dog for £200 a month? Sorry if I've read your OP wrong, but is that the long and the short of it, in terms of the practicalities?

I speak from personal experience here, but there’s a very good chance that you are getting on your mum’s nerves too.

Nothing that you’ve mentioned sounds controlling to me and you being all “Secret Squirrel” about things will not be helping I assure you. It’s funny how parents are expected to be there to bail you out when things go wrong, but God forbid they ask general questions about your life.

The reality is you’re too old to be living at home. You want your independence. There’s a very simple solution to this - move out and get your own place.

You need to move out asap but NOT in with a new boyfriend who is likely suiting himself......half of everything paid and a cleaner...i know that may be just badminded.

Keep the information of your 100k to YOURSELF!!!

No one needs to know this, least of all any boyfriend.

Protect this money.

Your mother has been very good to you, but she's getting on your tits.

Get out of home asap and protect your relationship with her.

Thank her sincerely as you leave.

You need to move out, but don't move in with the BF it's too early. Rent if you think it's not the right time to buy.

This. Well put @Remona.

Moving back in with parents is hard - for parents too!

I'd say you've overstated your welcome and your getting on your mums nerves. Do you do your share of house work, shopping, cooking and all the other jobs needed?

You need to move out.

If you pay her more fairly she may be less irritated.

I feel for you OP having to adapt to living with your parents again after having your independence. But it was always going to be hard. I don’t know anyone who has done this and not found their parents irritating, so it’s entirely normal your mum is getting on your nerves.

Ultimately you have very loving parents and the financial stability to move out of you choose to. Only you can decide when the cons of living with your parents outweigh the pros.

£200 a month is nothing. You need to move out.

Time to move out and get a short term rental that can be extended month on month may be the best option. £100k is a great deposit so you should be able to get your own place without having a huge mortgage to manage alone as long as you’re canny. The 6 months or so in a rental will give you time to assess the housing market where you want to live, allow interest rates to calm down and possibly property prices to do the same.

Start making plans to sort the first phase in the New Year and in the meantime be honest about how much you do around the house. Have you reverted to childhood levels? Even if your DM likes to rule the kitchen, for example, as someone who has lived independently will know, there are loads of other jobs you can do. Empty bins, put out the correct dustbin each week, change the beds, clean the bathrooms, run the hoover over, tidy up after yourself, pop to the shops when you run out of something - all without having to be asked. When my adult DCs stayed with me, I found having to carry the mental load for them the most wearing - especially knowing they’d managed before they moved back. But they seemed to want me to do their thinking for them.

And perhaps invite your DM out for a meal away from the house. I’m sure she’d appreciate the gesture.

I dunno, you're not long out of an acrimonious seperation & with a new guy who's asking you to move in very early.

I can see questions like 'who paid for dinner?' and not loving the idea of you cohabiting with your new boyfriend as her being protective, maybe she's concerned you're being used for your 100k & mostly she does not want to see you hurt again like you were earlier this year.

That said, it sounds like you ALL need some space. At 26 and with your equity I personally think you should consider renting or buying your own place. Make something just for you.