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Original poster

Loss of interest, or still hope?

18 replies

Archie86 · 21/12/2022 13:53

I will try to be brief here, but some background is needed.

A couple of months ago I was in the UK in connection with a project I am working on. Beforehand, I had contact with a friend I knew from before who lives there. She suggested that I could borrow her apartment while I was there, while she herself was going away. So far all good. We kept in touch the whole time. When she returned towards the end of my stay, it ended with warm feelings and we slept together.

Afterwards, we communicated a lot via message and phone, again a lot of emotions. She finally suggested that I could come and visit her before Christmas, and even offered to pay half of the the plane ticket. I was happy, but for various reasons I couldn't make up my mind. After five days she wondered what I really thought. I then decided to go, but soon afterwards illness struck in my family which meant that I couldn't go after all. After this she wrote that it became too complicated, all factors taken into account. She starts a new life in a new place, etc., and doesn't want to worry, wonder or wait anymore.

After this we communicated a bit, but it seemed a bit different. I suggested several times to meet at this Christmas in our homeland, but she has so far declined to meet while she is at home visiting family, as it would be too difficult for her and mess with her head.

It should be said that we have communicated on and off for a couple of years before I went abroad this fall (but then I was in a relationship, and we had a friendly relationship, although I think she was interested in something more), and that I also know her from Uni from several years ago .

We have a lot in common, have had some wonderful conversations and really talked about everything, and felt a strong connection. I am also sure that she has felt the same. She said, among other things, that I was the first person who had really understood and seen her. We are both fairly independent people in our 30s.

What I am wondering now is of course: is it completely over? I understand that there might not be a point in pushing it any further right now and scaring her away. Did she lose her feelings when she was disappointed that I did not accept her invitation to visit her, or is it simply as she says, that it is getting too complicated with this distance? (Only 2 hours flight) She will stay abroad for three more years. I have been ready to invest in this, even to move (I have a job where that is possible) but I don't know if I should say it more clearly. I do have a small hope, but is ut wise to give her space for a while, and possibly pick up the thread maybe in January? Or do the opposite, really try to show her I want her?

OP posts:
FahridaFaraho · 21/12/2022 16:58

I'm sorry but I don't think she's interested in a relationship due to the reasons she's given and I would just let her go.

choochooandspook · 21/12/2022 17:01

yes you need to show her you want her.....if you do

YoSofi · 21/12/2022 17:24

You need to make it clear what you want.

She invited you over, you had to think about it for five days, then couldn’t come after all. It doesn’t seem like you’re keen and she is protecting herself by pulling away.

Be honest with her, today.

Original poster
Archie86 · 21/12/2022 17:43

FahridaFaraho · 21/12/2022 16:58

I'm sorry but I don't think she's interested in a relationship due to the reasons she's given and I would just let her go.

I realise that it is perhaps the most likely. But I do feel that I have to be certain before I let her go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Archie86 · 21/12/2022 17:44

YoSofi · 21/12/2022 17:24

You need to make it clear what you want.

She invited you over, you had to think about it for five days, then couldn’t come after all. It doesn’t seem like you’re keen and she is protecting herself by pulling away.

Be honest with her, today.

I am very keen! I feel sick of the idea of losing her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Archie86 · 21/12/2022 17:47

choochooandspook · 21/12/2022 17:01

yes you need to show her you want her.....if you do

I reached out to her today. Apologized that I was not able to see her, that I let her down and should have communicated better, and that I was sorry that I caused uncertainty. I stated that I really want to see her, either here or that I can come visit. Now I will just wait to see her reply.

OP posts:
YoSofi · 21/12/2022 17:49

Good luck!

ButterflyOil · 21/12/2022 17:49

FWIW, I think i’d be a bit fed up if i’d offered to pay for half a flight and and to suggest it myself
vs you coming up with the plan - and then you dithering and then couldn’t make it anyway. To then suggest you meet while she is visiting family does make it seem like you were not bothered about putting in the effort and to me would indicate what I might expect from a LDR with you.

I think i’d try one more time as long as you are sure it doesn’t run the risk of her feeling hassled. It sounds like she’s liked you for quite a long time and was happy about connecting with you - but then you dithered and left her unsure and confused. Be clear with her and see what she sees, but be prepared to leave it as friends if she’s completely made her mind up.

Opentooffers · 21/12/2022 17:49

Hmm... sometimes women see sex as a bigger deal than men do and hope for a continued connection after. If enthusiasm is not gained after intimacy shared, then it is taken that the other was just up for some fun at the time.
First you weren't sure about going to see her hence it took you 5days to think about it - that's 5 days of hanging on for an answer that she had to drag out of you, which does not come over as enthusiasm.
So now she's decided she's put it out there and seemingly been turned down, she's moved on. Oh, but now she's less interested, you are suddenly full of enthusiasm, youll move jobs to be with her etc. - really, grow tf up! Learn and realise that the optimum time for showing how keen you are is just after you've slept with someone and not months after. You may well have blown your chance and maybe it's for the best if you are only interested in chasing what you can't have.
If you are genuine, and you do want her, you maybe need to prove your interest by letting her know you would consider moving nearer to her.

Original poster
Archie86 · 21/12/2022 18:13

Opentooffers · 21/12/2022 17:49

Hmm... sometimes women see sex as a bigger deal than men do and hope for a continued connection after. If enthusiasm is not gained after intimacy shared, then it is taken that the other was just up for some fun at the time.
First you weren't sure about going to see her hence it took you 5days to think about it - that's 5 days of hanging on for an answer that she had to drag out of you, which does not come over as enthusiasm.
So now she's decided she's put it out there and seemingly been turned down, she's moved on. Oh, but now she's less interested, you are suddenly full of enthusiasm, youll move jobs to be with her etc. - really, grow tf up! Learn and realise that the optimum time for showing how keen you are is just after you've slept with someone and not months after. You may well have blown your chance and maybe it's for the best if you are only interested in chasing what you can't have.
If you are genuine, and you do want her, you maybe need to prove your interest by letting her know you would consider moving nearer to her.

Well, I was very enthusiastic the whole time after I saw her in the end of October, even wrote her a long letter. Later, her invitation was a bit of a surprise as I tried for a long time before that to keep contact with her. I have had some psychological issues connected to some other stuff which she knew and I think understood in this period, which made it a bit difficult to travel to see her. In hindsight I regret this, as I have told her. Not saying that is a good excuse, but maybe a partly explanation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Archie86 · 21/12/2022 18:17

ButterflyOil · 21/12/2022 17:49

FWIW, I think i’d be a bit fed up if i’d offered to pay for half a flight and and to suggest it myself
vs you coming up with the plan - and then you dithering and then couldn’t make it anyway. To then suggest you meet while she is visiting family does make it seem like you were not bothered about putting in the effort and to me would indicate what I might expect from a LDR with you.

I think i’d try one more time as long as you are sure it doesn’t run the risk of her feeling hassled. It sounds like she’s liked you for quite a long time and was happy about connecting with you - but then you dithered and left her unsure and confused. Be clear with her and see what she sees, but be prepared to leave it as friends if she’s completely made her mind up.

I have been very clear the last days. Showing my interest, trying to apologise, offering to meet in different ways. She is still contacting me now and then, writing to me. But not being clear about seing me again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Archie86 · 21/12/2022 23:01

ButterflyOil · 21/12/2022 17:49

FWIW, I think i’d be a bit fed up if i’d offered to pay for half a flight and and to suggest it myself
vs you coming up with the plan - and then you dithering and then couldn’t make it anyway. To then suggest you meet while she is visiting family does make it seem like you were not bothered about putting in the effort and to me would indicate what I might expect from a LDR with you.

I think i’d try one more time as long as you are sure it doesn’t run the risk of her feeling hassled. It sounds like she’s liked you for quite a long time and was happy about connecting with you - but then you dithered and left her unsure and confused. Be clear with her and see what she sees, but be prepared to leave it as friends if she’s completely made her mind up.

I received an answer - she said the distance would be too difficult, and if I had come to see her this December, it might have changed things, or it might not have. She also said that we had good chemistry and connection, we might be friends in the long run.

So, disappointing, but as I expected 😪

OP posts:
Original poster
Archie86 · 21/12/2022 23:12

Archie86 · 21/12/2022 23:01

I received an answer - she said the distance would be too difficult, and if I had come to see her this December, it might have changed things, or it might not have. She also said that we had good chemistry and connection, we might be friends in the long run.

So, disappointing, but as I expected 😪

Show quote history

I even mentioned that I could move for her, probably sounded desperate but I figured I had nothing to lose.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 22/12/2022 07:36

When you meet a compatible partner, it doesn't feel like this 'craving and not knowing' thing. That's a symptom of your anxious attachment style. What it feels like is happy, sure, and confident. Communication is clear.

As you move forward, try to recognise that a lack of clarity means a lack of compatibility. Say what you feel, and if you don't get a clear response, steer clear of the person, because having feelings for someone who doesn't communicate clearly with you hurts. As you've found out with this person.

Original poster
Archie86 · 22/12/2022 10:01

Watchkeys · 22/12/2022 07:36

When you meet a compatible partner, it doesn't feel like this 'craving and not knowing' thing. That's a symptom of your anxious attachment style. What it feels like is happy, sure, and confident. Communication is clear.

As you move forward, try to recognise that a lack of clarity means a lack of compatibility. Say what you feel, and if you don't get a clear response, steer clear of the person, because having feelings for someone who doesn't communicate clearly with you hurts. As you've found out with this person.

You are right, except I think that I am the one who didn't communicate clearly.

I see now that I messed up my chances with her already a few weeks back, and that she has been very clear the last couple of days that it doesn't work for her.

But yes, I think I've attached to much feelings to this. Makes me feel a bit stupid, actually.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 22/12/2022 10:41

Your willingness to see yourself as stupid is the problem. Not her, or her feelings for you. If the two of you were compatible, no communication issues would have arisen. There is no fault or blame, the two of you just don't 'work'.

It's got nothing to do with you being stupid or messing up, but if you're willing to believe so little of yourself that you could unwittingly ruin a relationship with a compatible partner, just by being you, then you're not going to be able to have a healthy relationship with anybody.

'Attaching too much feelings' makes it sound like you've made a decision about how much feeling to have: we're not capable of that. We can only avoid situations that give us feelings we don't want. She's told you more than once that she doesn't want a relationship with you. Accept that, and give yourself time to recover emotionally, without beating yourself up for wrong steps. If she was the right person for you, she wouldn't be brushing you off, and you're not stupid, you know that, so don't put it down to that.

Original poster
Archie86 · 22/12/2022 11:30

Watchkeys · 22/12/2022 10:41

Your willingness to see yourself as stupid is the problem. Not her, or her feelings for you. If the two of you were compatible, no communication issues would have arisen. There is no fault or blame, the two of you just don't 'work'.

It's got nothing to do with you being stupid or messing up, but if you're willing to believe so little of yourself that you could unwittingly ruin a relationship with a compatible partner, just by being you, then you're not going to be able to have a healthy relationship with anybody.

'Attaching too much feelings' makes it sound like you've made a decision about how much feeling to have: we're not capable of that. We can only avoid situations that give us feelings we don't want. She's told you more than once that she doesn't want a relationship with you. Accept that, and give yourself time to recover emotionally, without beating yourself up for wrong steps. If she was the right person for you, she wouldn't be brushing you off, and you're not stupid, you know that, so don't put it down to that.

Thank you! It certainly makes sense. I do see that, but it's still difficult to think about it in that way. My brain keeps dragging me back into the lines of "if only" and "what if".

I won't be texting with her anymore. Although truth be told at this moment I am in right now, if she were to make contact with me in let's say a couple of weeks, I would probably reply. I will try to work on these patterns.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 22/12/2022 12:02

Your brain keeps dragging you back because it's been conditioned. You've had a bit of trickiness as a child, in the way you were treated by your mum, I'd imagine.

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