Anyone feel stress and guilt seeing so much family over Christmas?

[LovelyRachel]

DH and I both have two sets of parents (divorce and remarried).

In the lead up to Christmas we get:

1. repeatedly asked who we are spending Christmas Day with and then guilt tripped (this year we are alone in our house due to upsetting others!)

2. asked repeatedly where we are for Christmas Eve and Boxing Day and then guilt tripped by other parties (even if we've seen them recently e.g 23rd)

3. Nagged about the Christmas next year and plans

4. the Parents (all in their 70s) often start saying how Christmas is hard for them, tears start, and drama begins.

5. the parents (all in their 70s) refuse to drive to us. So it falls on us each year.

6. Yesterday we had a passive aggressive Christmas Card from FIL about how we never see them. We saw them 2 weeks ago but we always drive to them - they refuse to leave their "village". Fit and healthy young 70s who enjoy wild swimming.

Each parent feels like theyre entitled to see us every day / every week.

This year is more difficult than most. With my mum now claiming Christmas Eve, crying about Christmas Day and badgering us about Christmas 2023 already! My father in law has also claimed Christmas Eve and is now sulking.

I feel like each limb is being pulled into a different direction and I can't cope anymore. DC say it's suffocating and overwhelming.

How do other families cope?

I coped, in part, by becoming immune to the manipulation. I don't think the things you describe above are the actions of emotionally healthy people - most of it just sounds emotionally immature, manipulative and selfish.

They have cars but refuse to drive? Their choice.

The ridiculous part is that this above behaviour has the opposite effect - I to see less and less of them!

Thank you for your reply @Scriabin - you're 100% right.

Both sides have been divorced for over 30 years (divorced when DH and I were very small!) - and they still point blame at each other. Very emotionally immature and manipulative and getting worse as they get older.

Can't have them in the same room. Our wedding was horrific.

Covid Christmas was delightful. I miss it 😂

I cope by seeing NO family. Christmas Eve to Boxing Day is spent with my kids and my kids alone. The rest of the family are grown adults and can make their own decisions on how they spend the time. I decided as soon as I had kids I wouldn't be pulling them all over the place when they just want to be at home, and have stuck to that for almost 18 years.

@CornishGem1975 are you in Cornwall? We are! We have family down in Sennen and also up near the border. Its too much driving!

I think I may do the same as you.

Permanent rule Christmas Eve - Boxing Day sounds bloody perfect.

Just say no! Bit late for this year, but next year why don't you book to go away on holiday over Xmas? It's a fab thing to do & shows people that you won't give in to manipulation and nonsense.

I completely sympathise op. There were far too many Christmases before dc where me and dh felt guilt tripped into either hosting for one side (my divorced bickering parents in the same room) , or going over to the other side's house on Christmas day (this wasn't pleasant as they were strict difficult toxic people). What ever we chose would huff the other set of parents, we mainly hosted to avoid the unpleasant side, getting cooked for wasn't worth their wrath. The strict difficult side are now estranged and that has eased alot of stress.
The other side who won't now be in the same room still guilt trip to be hosted for (get annoyed if I choose one over the other and expect to come on another key date to make up for it!)

After cooking for far too many Christmases since my late teens I have started having acouple just me, dh and the kids. I became annoyed that I was guilt tripped into hosting so many before dc when i just wanted to be young and not have it to do. All my friends would be going to family for Christmas and I'd be stuck cooking for selfish able bodied adults, who wanted waited on hand and foot.
After being unwell and having a baby while still hosting i finally had enough and stopped doing it, this will be the 3rd year! They still try to guilt trip, usually lines like "I'm not bothered about Christmas this year, oh I'll not have a dinner, will order takeaway" woe is me sort of thing. Then I get "I cooked Christmas Dinner for x amount of years and can't be doing it anymore" despite said parent having stopped in their early 50s as i had to take over then! They have people to go to and just winge because it would mean they need to cook or help with the cooking! One of them my dc never see, they make no effort through the year yet still expect to come on Christmas, it's bonkers.

Sorry for such a lengthy post op, what I'm trying to say is don't be scared to let them down. Don't give in to their manipulation
and do what suits you. Just say "this year ae are actually just having a quiet Christmas and doing our own thing." I've honestly never looked forward to Christmas so much!

Just be honest

"We can't see you all. Whomever sulks or tries to guilt trip us the most will be last on the visiting list next year"

I feel for you. Personally I'd say you're hosting at home for whoever wants to come to you and bring a dish each. Or nominate one day.. Say boxing day and do alternate years. That way there is no argument, or claiming.

I'd then keep a day just for you, say Xmas eve for your own traditions

I'm 1 of 3, and that's what we do, with not much fuss. As parents live far from each other.

This thread is from last year!